This Week We Have Been Unashamedly Watching… The TOWIE Series Premiere
The Debrief: Even Bobby's beachside outfit couldn't raise a smile...
The girls have gone to Tenerife, and they have brought Bobby, who doesn’t even seem to have a personality or sexuality any more. He’s not presented as a gay man, but as the Seasonal Goods shelf in Sainsbury’s on January 2nd. Wearing a red rubber posing pouch with Lolita glasses and drinking a fruit festooned glass of chlorophyll, he shrieks automated aphorisms about men being dreadful and how they’re all worth more than the masculine equivalent of a box of McNuggets. ‘HASHTAG TENNERS!’ he cackles. Tenerife is a dystopia, guys. I much prefer The Hunger Games.
Ferne riffs on the recurring reality theme by complaining Gemma threw her under the bus, and talks about ‘beef in Tenerife’. Aha! This is why Bobby was complaining about McDonalds! They would all rather be in an Angus Steakhouse. ‘She’s unfollowed me on Twitter now.’ When you’re on reality TV, social media moves are the realest thing you have.
Back by the pool, bitchy Bobby is still complaining about Ferne, “I saw a white witch, and she told me there was a female snake in our midst…I think it might be her.” We learn Ferne’s latest gaffe concerns Danni, an ‘event’ and a false anecdote about someone else’s penis. Ferne is playing the banter card harder than Dapper Laughs at a CCJ hearing, but Danni is deeply hurt. Certainly angry enough to embrace Bobby’s claim that Ms McCann must be bringing bad juju to the group. This is the second recent reference to the occult on a scripted reality show after Victoria BH accused Sophie of witchcraft on MIC. If this stacking of coincidences doesn’t result in a Celebrity Most Haunted special, I’ll eat my pentangle.
The lads have stayed at home, and they’re sweating it out in a sauna together - guys, I’m EATING! (It’s safe to assume I’m always eating, please don’t do any sweat themed activities in my eyeline.) Dan is chatting about the trauma of childbirth. His new baby is large, apparently. ‘A big baby to come out of someone’s vagina!’ The mother’s, Dan. Everyone involved in a birth usually knows which specific vagina will be involved. You don’t just stand in the street hoping a passing fanny will shoot one out like a literal human cannonball. Elliot bitches about Chloe but does not mention the widely covered entertainment news story about him smashing her phone at the NTAs after she received a text from Danny Cipriani.
Ricky is doing very well without Jess, and when we say well, we mean that he has been having it so large that his flat is ankle deep in unwashed pants, and it looks like he is one Berocca away from having the ‘good idea’ of giving up on plumbing, creating a well from dirty socks and christening it the Toilet Corner. But apparently it’s because he’s been so busy shagging, and not because he’s sad and lonely. Apparently. They all go to the pub for a party, and Elliot stands around looking like a lost, elderly man as everyone piles onto the new boy Dan Edgar, who has more bodily hair than Bobby has novelty hats for his penis. Later, Elliot manages to take a selfie with ‘two birds’, which he tweets. Over in Tenerife, Vas takes it upon himself to get the wifi code for the bar that they’re in, so he can show Chloe the picture, to be helpful. Elliot’s scary sister Leah starts shouting about how awful Chloe is. ‘The tension is brewing like a…bitch!’ Chloe observes eloquently. Then Lydia and Danni start shouting at each other about Ferne. ‘I’m really angry with this situation!” screams Danni. That makes no sense unless she means Mike Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame, AKA The Situation.
Danni Facetimes Lockie about how much she hates everyone. Lockie does not have a face for Facetime. It looks like Danni is watching a training video made by a captive to be used in a hostage negotiation lesson. Leah shouts at Chloe, Chloe points out Elliot broke her phone and Leah replies ‘Yeah, because you texted another guy!’ Leah, if you’re backing the dude guilty of actual criminal damage, you’re on the wrong side. You ring up Protect Your Bubble and explain Chloe is claiming because your brother is a psychopath, and then tell us how you feel about the matter.
Elliot is back at the bar being a sad old man and claiming ‘There’s two types of women, the ones you play with and the kind you marry.’ Yeah, Elliot? Maybe there are two kinds of guys - generalising twats and EVERYONE ELSE. Gemma turns up and claims she’s an Essex Buddhist, but her zen vibes don’t stop the most boring fight ever breaking out between Chloe and Elliot, who are screaming the word ‘disrespect’ at each other like confused, passive aggressive Jeopardy contestants. More cheerfully, Danni might be about to make it up with snakey Ferne - she has Fort about Fings.
I used to love TOWIE for the LOLs and drama combo, but drama isn’t drama when the same fights get rehashed 27 times and even Bobby’s beachside outfits can’t raise a smile. Reality is my favourite genre because all human life is there. But if this is a reflection on being human, you can fuck this shit, I’m off to become a unicorn. I was hoping to say the debut episode got two thumbs way up from me, but I’m giving it two fingers instead.
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