Daisy Buchanan | Contributing Writer | Monday, 11 April 2016

Made In Chelsea

Steph’s In Pursuit, Lucy Won’t Be Mute And We See Binky’s Toot Toot!

The Debrief: The gang are back in town. And buggering up spectacularly already.

Whenever it’s time for a new series of MIC, the action starts with an extended recap, summarising the entire series that went before. It doesn’t matter which series it is, whether there are leaves on the trees or how many times the gang went to Ibiza three months ago - this summary always look like an episode of Only Fools And Horses where Del Boy has entered a coma and briefly goes to heaven. There are young men in unconvincing white tie, smiling, shining blonde women clutching champagne glasses that might actually be filled with Asti Spumante, and a sense that if you talk to anyone for too long they might try to sell you their Dad’s yacht mooring in Dubai, because they 'know a bloke'.

The only real difference between Chelsea and Peckham is that the Trotters were the sort of family to shower in their sheepskin, but the Binkys and Biscuits of the world are more frequently, enthusiastically naked than babies at the beach. We begin with Binky, Rosie and Louise doing a sexy photoshoot for an art exhibition, while Biscuits, Mytton and JP play strip poker. Now, I am very  concerned about the deregulation of the gambling industry in the UK, and the way gambling is constantly advertised on TV, but seeing posh, sweaty men fumbling with poker chips makes me think that we needn’t worry. Anyone who was thinking of working their way through their salary on JustLikeVegas! dot com might see the sad lack of glamour in the situation, and think again. ‘How come it always ends up with just the boys playing strip poker?’ pouts Biscuits. Truly, it is a mystery.

Mytton is still seeing Nicola, explaining 'There was the intention to break up but that didn't really happen,' before almost falling head first down Stephanie Pratt’s top. She’s turned up to find out whether Mytton is single yet, and whether her fancy new Chanel necklace is the real deal - it looks like the gold might come off if you blow on it, but will she get hives? Only time will tell. 'Oooh, screening Nicola’s calls, are we?' she coos, seeing Alex ignore his phone when his girlfriend’s name comes up on the display. No, you big stirry Stirrerson - it’s completely legitimate to ignore a call if you know who it’s from. The only reason to pick up immediately would be a scary call from an anonymous number (I genuinely think it might be the police arresting me for something obscure, and it’s best to go quietly) or your Mum.

Elsewhere, there is yet more stirring, as Olivia the naked photographer is revealing that she ‘boinked’ her old school chum little Sam Thompson a couple of years ago, and now that Louise is being photographed in the nip she’s seen both Thompson siblings naked. Louise and Rosie are also suggesting that Binky’s relationship isn’t all that it should be, otherwise why would JP have gone to Dubai without her, leaving her to post Thomas Cook brochure pictures on her Insta?

Steph is telling anyone who will listen that she likes Mytton, but not to mention it to anyone - which is like taking all your clothes off in Parliament Square, lying on your back, opening your legs and pulling a light up banner out of your foof that says, in eight foot letters ‘DON’T LOOK AT ME, I’M SHY’. JP is much more worried about his relationship with James than his love life, and suggests that Lucy is refusing to allow James to shut his eyes and stop looking at her for long enough to go to sleep, or to visit the toilet unaccompanied.

We briefly meet Toff’s insanely glamorous Granny, who looks like a very young Donatella Versace and chats about coveting a Peter Pilotto frock. Toff is planning on moving in with Millie and Jess, but we reckon she should shack up with her Nanna. It would make the greatest spinoff series. Louise tells Sam that she had a run in with his old boinkee, although we’re distracted by watching Biscuits’ face as he learns of the naked photo shoot. It appears that he’s come in his pants so hard that he’s accidentally circumcised himself. “You’re sick!” says Sam. “You’re a sycophant!” We could tell him, but then he’d never learn for himself…

JP confronts James about the fact that he’s an adult man with a long term partner, Mytton uses the expression 'crackalacking' and Louise reveals she once had 'dry sex' with Jamie Biscuits. 'AND A BLOWJOB!' yells an indignant Biscuits. I’m just going to leave this here.

Louise reveals that she and Rosie used to do naked headstands at school. Rosie’s expression could be classed as ‘litigious’ while Binky competitively claims that she used to snog girls in the airing cupboard. Naked. Art lover Biscuits is delighted that the exhibition has “got everyone talking”.

Nicola has a new house and a new fringe, and she might miss Mytton’s presence but she likes that the new place is “all white”. Tiff gets wind of Boinking Olivia, after Sam gives her the worst heads up ever.

‘She's been saying to people that we've hooked up before.’

‘Have you?’

‘Yeah.’

Picture Hitler looking sad and saying ‘They’ve been telling people that I invaded Poland’. Sam does not help matters by attempting to walk a mile in Tiff’s shoes (or stand on the metaphorical pavement in Tiff’s shoes before calling a cab.) ‘Would I get annoyed if someone said 'I boinked Toff?”’ he ponders, while everyone wrings their hands and wonders just how stupid you have to be in order to orchestrate such significant syllabic failure. Lucy has the opportunity to enjoy her perfect relationship and give JP the space to work out why he’s unable to deal with the success of his best mate’s relationship. But she decides not to take it, and to get up in his grill instead.

It’s time for the exhibition! The sexy exhibition! The sexhibition! Steph, subtle as a poo balanced on a radiator, bounds up to Mytton and Nicola to say ‘Hey, I thought you guys had broken up! Alex, remember how last time I saw you, your flies were undone? Do me! Do me!’ Tiff, not really helping herself, aggressively introduces herself to Olivia and sniffs ‘You’ve been going around telling people you’ve slept with my boyfriend. I don’t think I’m being too sensitive - I’ve checked.’ Millie - the answer to every question that was too ridiculous to be asked - forms a passive aggressive echo chamber, whinging ‘You might not know you’re wrong, but you are.’ When it comes to STIs, gonorrhoea is a picnic compared with your conquest’s future girlfriends turning up and being rude to you at your own gallery openings.

Lucy goes after JP, and tells him that his relationship with Binks is all wrong, in a scene which magnificently ends with him yelling ‘Do you have a statistics book in your pocket?’ Oh, for the Big Book Of Relationship statistics, in Kindle form, to be whipped out whenever you need to be a real dick to someone. This cannot end well.

Hero of the week

It’s got to be Nanna Toff, who is total Style Goals and clear proof of the genetic perfection that Toff was built on. We want to go to Harvey Nichols and drink champagne with you, Nanna Toff! You can buy Peter Pilotto - and we’ll buy Peter Pilotto for Target.

Villain of the week

Is it Steph? Is it Mytton? They’re clearly going to be boinking before Nicola has her first foundation spill in the weird white room. And it’s bad that Steph is pursuing it - because if you fancy someone who has a girlfriend, protocol dictates that if you bump into them when you’re out, you simply scream ‘THE TOILET!’ and hide from them until one of you dies. But we’ll give it to bloody Mytton, because ‘crackalacking’. I will never understand why so many women voluntarily have sex with that man.

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Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl

Tags: Made In Chelsea