Daisy Buchanan | Contributing Writer | Monday, 7 September 2015


MIC LA 5: Jess Is A Big Tease, Salads Are Covered In Cheese And JP Gets A Dressing Down From Louise

The Debrief: Plus, how does Binky's 'chat' with JP go?

It begins down the ol’ fishing hole as Mytton, continuing his bid to be The New Proudlock, offers Biscuits quite a lot of unsolicited advice while failing to catch any dinner. ‘Jess is like a catch you can’t reel in,’ says Mytton sagely, while wondering why the crew have failed to procure him a knackered old wise man oil-skin hat. We think he had a pipe, but he dropped it in the sea. Mark Francis sees them and takes the bait. (We’re so sorry. Well, we’d like to be.) ‘How PRIMAL!’ he bellows, lustily, before seeing the maggots. ‘Don’t you dare try to make me touch that sordid little bag.’ Which is clearly the way we all feel about Biscuits.

Naz is having jar cocktails with Lucy and Stephanie, who are only one more margarita away from finding a blonde doll with weirdly dark eyebrows and sticking pins in it. Jess is whining to a very patient Binky who’s being nice and big sisterly, but is also quite stern when it comes to Jess’s life choices. ‘This does keep happening,’ says Binky gently, with more grace than we’d muster if Jess slept with our exes the day after we broke up with them.

Back on the beach, James and JP come out of the water shirtless, and Newly Fat Alik becomes so apoplectic with jealousy that he appears to have a small stroke and has to go somewhere else. Admiring his torso, Binky, now back from lunch, tells Louise that she wants to ask him out. Jess is discovering that even Biscuits is a bit fed up of her. ‘What you do – SO ANNOYINGLY – is that you never take responsibility for yourself.’

‘I’m not a fucking slut!’ protests Jess. No, love. Just an arsehole.

Later, over lunch, there is chat about the ‘LA lifestyle – salads every day!’ when Mytton’s salad is clearly a big plate of salami with some hefty chunks of parmigiano grated on the top. Obviously, we’re in favour, but it’s no more LA than a picture of the Taj Mahal, or a man in a Jimmy Krankie mask eating neeps, or Borgen. Jess bangs on about how very HAPPY she is, to the point where she’s more repetitive and less convincing than Pharrell.

Lucy and James make chocolate milkshakes and have a whipped cream fight, and we should be happy for love and dairy products, but the whole thing is more twee and uncomfortable than the garden varnish advert where the fringey, indie girl does a little dance as she paints the shed. But they’re both pro Binky and JP, which is encouraging. Everyone goes out to drinks, Jess and Biscuits do some making out and the bitching begins. It’s like watching a load of prefects supervising at Hester Prynne’s school disco. Happily, Mark Francis is on hand for peculiar relationship metaphors. ‘You could say that you two reasphalted your street!,’ he beams at Alik, who is clearly longing to say, ‘HARRR! YOU SAID ASS!’

The tension is turned up to 11 at the wine tasting picnic – or to be more accurate, wine drinking picnic. ‘I feel really awkward, sitting next to Jamie,’ wails Jess to an unsympathetic Lucy, who hisses ‘Yeah!’ and then makes a very sneery face. Louise lays into Biscuits, adding, ‘Naz really liked you, you just threw that away, Jess doesn’t even fancy you,’ which is true if a little awkward, as Nas and Jess are right there. Binky thinks this would be a good moment to slip away with JP and ask him out. It’s a no from JP.

Apparently he’s confused. ‘What is there to be confused about?’ wails Binky. Well, QUITE. Unless JP has become concussed while walking up the hill, we’re not buying it. It turns out that JP is worried, because other boys have been so bad to Binky that he’s bothered by her baggage. BOOOOO! Poor Binky is left alone on top of the canyon, chewing her sunglasses for answers. JP, we are very disappointed with you.

Biscuits is caught by Mytton drinking beer, watching nature documentaries and sweating like a man so consumed with self loathing that he has become allergic to his own body. In fact, that might be a pointless simile – it could well be the case. Mytton tells him that Jess probably doesn’t really like him and then departs with a cheery, ‘Bye, off to dinner!’

Binks is flinging things into a suitcase dramatically, as we wait for JP to burst through the door and say ‘Noooooo! I thought we were playing Opposites! Stayyyyyy with me!’ But she leaves for the airport before he arrives. (To be fair, he goes out for drinks with the bois first. Idiot.) Louise gives him a proper bollocking, but it’s a sad day for love. ‘I don’t want her to be stigmatised by her past for life,’ says Louise, as if Binks was found in a basket by the door of a crackhouse and cursed by a local crone, instead of just having a couple of twatty boyfriends. It is a very gloomy ending.

Hero of the week

It’s got to be Naz for maintaining dignity in the face of extreme provocation, outsourcing the sulks to Louise, Steph and Lucy. She’s far too good for bloody Biscuits. We like Naz. Come to London?

Villain of the week

Obviously JP for having less guts than a tapeworm, which is the first thing I found when I Googled ‘animals with no digestive system’. Not only has he broken Binky’s heart, he’s swizzed us all out of a happy ending.

Like this? Then you might also be interested in:

MIC LA 4: Toff Is Not Easily Led, JP Can’t Be Read And Jess And Jamie Biscuits Get Into Bed

MIC LA 3 : The Gang Go To Nevada, The Bois Make Nas’ Relationship Harder, And Mark Francis Probably Doesn’t Keep Ice Cream In His Larder…

MIC LA 2: Gabriella Returns, Naz Learns (Of Biscuits’ Romantic History) And Josh Deserves Third Degree Burns

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Tags: TV We\'re Unashamedly Watching, Made In Chelsea, TV