Jess Commons | Deputy Editor | Monday, 10 August 2015

MIC L.A.

MIC LA: Biscuits Won’t Behave, JP Gives Binks The Curry She Craves And Mark Francis Has A Lobb’s Loafer In The Grave

The Debrief: America, watch out. Here comes Chelsea

The trouble with sending Team MIC to California in 2015 is that there is a shortage of trouble for them to run into. We’re looking at six weeks of watching posh people learning about all the different things one might be able to juice. Once they’ve done some poolside dog yoga all boxes are pretty much ticked. Once upon a time (although probably before most of the MICs were born) it would have started with a suitcase full of money and a massive mountain of cocaine. Now we just have JP and Jamie Biscuits hiking up a boring old hill. We assume that they went off in search of the Hollywood sign, and then turned their GPS off because the producers told them they weren’t allowed to expense their 4G.

It’s not a total loss because they bump into a couple of new girls, Tara and Naz, who immediately want to know if they’re single, and fancy coming to Naz’s pool party. Tara and Naz were clearly out renewing their prescriptions for medicinal marijuana during the week that their school did Stranger Danger.

The girls are also hoping for some sexy time, chatting in Stephanie’s limo as they clamber out of their fancy private jet. (We assume the plane picked them up from LAX after they got out of the Virgin Economy Plus section.) We learn that Jess hasn’t spoken to Biscuits since the festival - Biscuits is upset, but Jess had fulfilled all contractual obligations and clearly wasn’t going to waste time with him if she wasn’t getting her day rate. Binky announces that she and JP ‘have banter’, and a million female viewers feel their vaginas shuddering shut. ‘Banter’ is less sexual, as a word, than ‘ingrown’.

JP rings Binky - and look, they still have those non iPhones that they’re forced to use for commercial reasons! - to tell her ‘there is a pool party and you are not invited, but I suppose you can come if you really want’. They do. Biscuits goes all out to impress his hostess crush Naz by walking in and screaming ‘POOL PARTY’! Phew. Nothing more erotic than a man who goes around shouting out what things are.

Poor Toff is stuck with Mark Francis who wants to shop and visit the cemetery and avoid all places in which excitable young people might take their tops off and drink rum based cocktails out of plastic pineapples. ‘It’s not that I don’t love gravestones, I just can’t get the pool party out of my head!’ she gabbles, before sprinting off into the distance, following the scent of chlorine. Luckily Mark makes a new friend, the luscious Olivia, who, like Mark, enjoys hanging about by headstones in case she can lecture people about who is lying underneath them. Where’s Victoria? Sure, she’s a bit of a bitch but she never goes around badgering people with facts.

Back at the party, Jess and Biscuits have a bit of a stand off in which Biscuits tells her not to date other guys 'in front of me' before he goes off and asks Naz on a dinner date. The thing that confuses about MIC is that it’s the only programme I know of in which relationship rules work entirely in reverse. Say Spencer has a girlfriend - that gives him the chance to date loads, and loads, and loads of other women, and for many of those dates to be televised. But when you’re single and not dating, that’s apparently the point at which your ex can stop you from seeing anyone else! Truly baffling.

Lucy and Biscuits have a face scruncher of an argument about who’s ‘more LA’ - which begs the question, where is Proudlock? He’s the only cast member who’s remotely LA - he probably makes special t shirts for pet psychics - and he has yet to show. Maybe he’s washing his hair.

Josh tits about being his usual cyborg self. Has he left his shirt on because he’s been hitting the burritos, or is he worried that we’re going to see his battery compartment? Stephanie frets that he’s ‘forgotten’ they’ve been talking about marriage. We doubt that, but we have a horrible feeling that he’s about to ‘forget’ that he’s supposed to be her boyfriend at all. Jess and Toff meet Dakota Fanning’s old child stunt double and his mate, who looks like a full human skin stretched over a five drawer filing cabinet. Still, they’re both vaguely more alive than any of the men Toff might have met in the cemetery. (Also, LA needs better child labour law legislation if eight year olds are currently allowed to do stunts for money.)

Biscuits is mooning over Naz, who is clearly going to use him to get with JP, who has gone to Binky’s house on her birthday and surprised her with some leopard print trainers and a chicken jalfrezi. What a banterous gift! He immediately runs away, leaving Binky to have a big swoon on the porch. This is going to be more painful than watching a wannabe psychic attempting to network at a Clairvoyant’s Convention with the use of a Magic 8 Ball. Still, we predict that next week, a mystery guest will be back to help Binky FIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! FOR LOOOOOOOOOOOVE!


Hero of the week

It’s got to be JP because he turned up with curry, and a man could be a bogey covered BO boasting Hitler-Voldemort-on-fire-and-with-leprosy and I would welcome him with a hug and a handjob if he came over unannounced with hot food in a foil container.

Villain of the week

That would be Jamie ‘If you won’t date me don’t date anyone’ Biscuits, who seems to think that Edwardian divorce laws are so hot right now. Let’s hope his date with Naz is a miserable trip to a kale smoothie factory.

Like this? Then you might also be interested in:

Jess From Made In Chelsea: 'Anything Could Happen In LA'

MIC 9.11 Lauren Says It’s Back On, Mytton Hears His First Song, And Spenny’s Hat Is All Kinds Of Wrong

MIC 9.10 Alik Must Flee, Spencer Might Have Been Naughty, AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHELSEA

Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl

Tags: TV We\'re Unashamedly Watching, Made In Chelsea