MIC LA 2: Gabriella Returns, Naz Learns (Of Biscuits’ Romantic History) And Josh Deserves Third Degree Burns
The Debrief: Plus, Binky's off the booze.
It begins on the beach, with the bois ‘showing off their buff beach bodies because they are "surfing", or standing well within 50 feet of an upturned fibre glass board. Mytton says the waves are ‘gnarly’ in an accent that absolutely qualifies as a hate crime, probably setting back Anglo-American relations to 1861 levels or worse. JP is gloomy and confused because a drunk Binky busted the chops of a girl who dared to chat to JP at Binky’s birthday dinner. ‘Hopefully she will learn from this,’ smirks Alex, as smug as Yoda if Yoda stopped saying wise things and started sticking his penis into all inappropriate spaces - gaps between sofa cushions, say, or Darth Vader.
Jess and Toff are also super smug, having snagged their hulking Americans. If you have a tattoo that you regret, go and stand next to Cody and Brian. Their excessive inking makes them look like the least wanted items in the Tesco Reduced To Clear Section, covered in multiple wonky bar codes. Biscuits sees Jess gurning and giggling and is predictably annoyed, even though he’s about to go on a date with Naz, or Naaaaaaarrrrrrrz, as they call her.
Binky is cringing about her drunken outburst, and Lucy is comforting her as efficiently as she can, which isn’t very as a) This is Tough Love Lucy and b) It is very hard to take words of comfort seriously when they’re coming from someone in a metallic pleather effect halter bikini. Binky decides that there’s only one solution - she’s going to throw herself ‘into the LA lifestyle’ and give up booze. Bloody hell. And hot on the chapped, sunburned heels of that bombshell comes another one. Josh has dumped Steph! Hurrah! Callooh Callay! I mean, bad luck Steph! Soooo sad.
Mark Francis’ mysterious relationship with Olivia continues, and he even agrees to do beach yoga with her - although he does manage to to turn it into an invitation to drink wine and look at the sea. JP comes in to say hey, wearing a towel, and his eyes pop out of his head so far that his central retina veins are trailing on the table. (That joke was sponsored by the Wikipedia page The Human Eye. For more totally accurate science facts, please consult…anyone but me.) I can’t wait to see where this goes - especially when JP whispers ‘So, what’s your name and where are you from?’ and she can lean in and murmur ‘Olivia’, answering both questions at the same time in a puntastic way.
Binky goes to a make up store that sells only blusher and is called Blushington’s. We see someone who works there dip a brush into a pot as gingerly as someone with a chickpea allergy sticking a carrot into a pile of hummus. Here’s some great career advice that will stand everyone in good stead - don’t go and work in a shop if you’re a bit frightened of the main product that the shop sells. Happily we have the poster girl for overconfidence hanging out back - mad Gabriella has returned, Fiiiiiiiighting for Love and her right to have Azalea Banks’ 2012 mermaid hair. She drags Binks’ off to an exercise class. In LA, there’s no such thing as Legs, Bums and Tums - you either lie on the floor staring at your hands and it costs ninety dollars, or you sign up for a course of intense physical and emotional abuse, five times a week. This is the latter, and Naz has also come along to be shouted into shape before her date with Biscuits.
We’ve all been on that first date with someone who thinks they’re ‘great fun!’, haven’t we?! We just want to go to the pub and bond over red wine and chips, they have tickets to the ENO all day silent disco season. And so it is that Naz is dragged to a film set, and then, in subtle and hardly noticable product placement, an advance private screening of Paper Towns. ‘Oh look, he’s going to kiss her! Maybe he’s nervous about kissing her! You should always just kiss,’ says Biscuits earnestly, before lunging. Smooth Like Lotus Biskoff Speculoos, Jamie.
The girls are feeding Steph margharitas and telling her she’s a strong, independent woman, as she sobs about the engagement ring Google image search Josh had been showing her. To be fair, I’ve just done that search and some of the rings are from Elizabeth Duke. That would put anyone off. Steph’s response to distress is to cry in a British accent - did she pick it up from Louise? Elsewhere Josh is eating JP’s spiralized courgette pasta and claiming that he had to dump Steph in order to focus on his career, and has no desire to drive around Silverlake in a big car with the top down and a bumper sticker that reads ‘Ladies! Ask me about my MASSIVE PENIS!’ He’s already feeling so sexy and free that his chest hair is trying to have sex with his beard.
Toff throws a Mark-Francis baffling ‘cook off’ at Malibu Canyon, and poor Naz realises that Biscuits has dated every single one of his girl mates before moving on to her. Olivia waxes lyrical about nature and invites JP to go and ‘play among the rocks’. Mark Francis spots a very, very small amphibian and shrieks ‘OH MY GOD! IS THAT A FROG? IT’S HUGE! IS IT DEAD!’ There are plenty of close ups of delicious lobster, and Binky and JP make it up in a manner of speaking, even though she knows he likes Olivia and her little heart is breaking. Binky, we love you, but you had your chance, no? That said, JP is sending out more confusing signals than an old timey radio that has been assembled by a team of drunk Dads and uncles on a bank holiday with a Korean instructions book and a screwdriver that came from a Christmas cracker.
Josh and Steph are not confusing at all - Josh is a big blank faced sociopath and Steph is angry and indignant. Wearing a blue top to coordinate with the large body of water that must be in the background whenever there is an MIC break up chat, she blazes. She improvises some poetry. ‘I truly thought we were going to get engaged and spend our lives together in LA. Two weeks ago we were talking about getting married, and two days ago you threw me away.’ As a professional dating and relationships writer, I can confirm that Josh is a BIG POO. Steph doesn’t need any big poos in her life now that she’s in the land of the egg white omelette.
Hero of the week
It’s gotta be green Gabriella for bringing literal and figurative colour to our lives, and throwing us all off the scent with that accent - is she Australian now? Dutch? We can’t wait for her to write an angry break up album for Steph, and she might even throw Mytton into the sea.
Villain of the week
Of course it’s Josh, for thinking he’s Patrick Bateman, making Stephanie cry and having less emotional range than Andie McDowell in a L’Oreal advert. He’s too basic and boring to be a proper villain, so let’s hope he stays away from this section for a while. Go home to your beige sofas, Josh!
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