Daisy Buchanan | Contributing Writer | Monday, 1 June 2015

Made In Chelsea 9.8

MIC 9.8 Mark Francis Says Low Ceilings Can Harm Us, Alik’s News Alarms Us, And Lauren Makes Everyone Wear Pyjamas!

The Debrief: Mytton turns up to boast about his bulge during cricket and ruins everything

Talking in explicit detail about your sexual and romantic conquests simply isnt cricket, but if you actually play cricket while talking smack about your partners you can just about get away with it. JP and James are nice chaps, really, so they only say nice things about Binks and Lucy - but Mytton turns up to brag about his bulge and ruin everything. Hes not even wearing proper whites, hes clothed himself in bootcut polyester trousers from New Looks discount nineties Simon Fuller girl band range.

 Were not sure that Lauren is serious about moving out of Spencers, because shes got Mark Francis to help her look for a flat. If you really want to find a place to live within, say, the next three months, why would you get advice from the fussiest man in London? Doesnt it rather worry you that one can touch the ceiling?he sniffs, banging on so hard that you worry hes trying to hand build a loft conversion? Victoria finishes the sabotage, telling Lauren not to trust or forgive Lucy. After all, she was the one who was initially trying to break you up. She clings to men like the last Coca Cola in the desert.Victoria, if youre dealing with unremitting heat and light, you dont want a caffeinated fizzy beverage! A Vita Coco is packed with electrolytes. I am not going on that Bear Grylls show with you, no matter how many times you ask me.

 Binky tells her Mum that shes having doubts about JP but shes going to push through, as if hes not a romantic partner but a bread roll that she regretted eating before bed. Toffs on a date with Elliot in East London, and shes brought Millie - possibly for the company, possibly because she needed protecting from scary E1 types who might start boring on about bikes and cold brew coffee. Sam is supposed to make up the foursome, but hes otherwise engaged in a cosy twosome with Tiff! Tiff who he cheated on! This is baffling. Perhaps he has an eighteen inch penis and balls made from Lindor chocolate. Its the only explanation.

Andy and Lucy have a plot refreshing conversation in a room that might be a handbag shop, or might be part of someones house - the producers obviously forgot to cross something out on their notes. Lucy gets a text from Lauren, who wants to meet for a drink and a chat about sex and Spencer. This will be a relaxing television experience, like group therapy or a cactus enema. We got off on a bad foot,starts Lauren. Are you gangrenous, Lauren? That would explain everything - the martyred sighs, the pained expressions, the fact that no-one wanted you to go skiing with themLauren does a sorry not sorryand Lucy out pass-aggs her with a Likewise, whatever. Russia and America will be friends before these two.

Binky is bemoaning the fact that she doesnt want to rip JPs shirt off, while JP is telling Alik that Binks is increasingly distant. Why arent you talking? What prevents you guys from…’Alik tails off as he remembers that in Chelsea, an honest relationship conversation is harder to come by than a Greggs Mexican Bake. Tiff and Sam are in the middle of some public snogging, and get surprised by Toff, who is a mixture of censorious disappointment and regret that she didnt get to Vine it.

Lauren throws a slumber party, presumably because she bought a very expensive, lightweight trouser suit and then got it home and discovered that shed spent £800 on a pair of pyjamas and needed to show them off. Proudlock is in a chilly looking vest, and wanders around forlornly like a boy in a sad film about Russian conscription. Although if he doesnt sort his hair out, we might have to force him onto a collective farm. Who knew he could make us miss the topknot?

Tiff has a stroppy showdown with Sam and Millie, but unfortunately her La Senza shorts and cami set make her look less like she means business and more like a shrieky Sixer who wants everyone on the pack holiday to turn their lights out before they wake Brown Owl. Millie tries to be cross but shes a little too visibly delighted to have screen time. Binky sweetly dumps JP, just after he tells her that hes finding his dressing gown a bit complicated, and Alik breaks some bad news to Louise - his Dad wants him to go and work with leather in LA. Its not great, and its made worse by the fact that Alik gives her this information while dressed in a long blue and white striped nightshirt, and its impossible to look at him without imagining him in a Morcambe or Wise style stripy hat. Men, if you need to be sad or serious, wear something with a crotch.

Hero of the week

 It has to be Lucy for likewise, whatever. Its the ultimate conversational shut down, and I want it on a t shirt. And maybe as a tattoo.

Villain of the week

 This is going to Sam. And its going to go to Sam every week until he learns to stop snogging, lying and following his dick around as though it were a metal detector. BAD SAM!

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Tags: TV We\'re Unashamedly Watching, Made In Chelsea