MIC 9.8 Mark Francis Says Low Ceilings Can Harm Us, Alik’s News Alarms Us, And Lauren Makes Everyone Wear Pyjamas!
The Debrief: Mytton turns up to boast about his bulge during cricket and ruins everything
Talking in explicit detail about your sexual and romantic conquests simply isn’t cricket, but if you actually play cricket while talking smack about your partners you can just about get away with it. JP and James are nice chaps, really, so they only say nice things about Binks and Lucy - but Mytton turns up to brag about his bulge and ruin everything. He’s not even wearing proper whites, he’s clothed himself in bootcut polyester trousers from New Look’s discount nineties Simon Fuller girl band range.
We’re not sure that Lauren is serious about moving out of Spencer’s, because she’s got Mark Francis to help her look for a flat. If you really want to find a place to live within, say, the next three months, why would you get advice from the fussiest man in London? ‘Doesn’t it rather worry you that one can touch the ceiling?’he sniffs, banging on so hard that you worry he’s trying to hand build a loft conversion? Victoria finishes the sabotage, telling Lauren not to trust or forgive Lucy. ‘After all, she was the one who was initially trying to break you up. She clings to men like the last Coca Cola in the desert.’Victoria, if you’re dealing with unremitting heat and light, you don’t want a caffeinated fizzy beverage! A Vita Coco is packed with electrolytes. I am not going on that Bear Grylls show with you, no matter how many times you ask me.
Binky tells her Mum that she’s having doubts about JP ‘but she’s going to push through’, as if he’s not a romantic partner but a bread roll that she regretted eating before bed. Toff’s on a date with Elliot in East London, and she’s brought Millie - possibly for the company, possibly because she needed protecting from scary E1 types who might start boring on about bikes and cold brew coffee. Sam is supposed to make up the foursome, but he’s otherwise engaged in a cosy twosome with Tiff! Tiff who he cheated on! This is baffling. Perhaps he has an eighteen inch penis and balls made from Lindor chocolate. It’s the only explanation.
Andy and Lucy have a plot refreshing conversation in a room that might be a handbag shop, or might be part of someone’s house - the producers obviously forgot to cross something out on their notes. Lucy gets a text from Lauren, who wants to meet for a drink and a chat about sex and Spencer. This will be a relaxing television experience, like group therapy or a cactus enema. ‘We got off on a bad foot,’starts Lauren. Are you gangrenous, Lauren? That would explain everything - the martyred sighs, the pained expressions, the fact that no-one wanted you to go skiing with them…Lauren does a ‘sorry not sorry’and Lucy out pass-aggs her with a ‘Likewise, whatever’. Russia and America will be friends before these two.
Binky is bemoaning the fact that she doesn’t want to rip JP’s shirt off, while JP is telling Alik that Binks is increasingly distant. ‘Why aren’t you talking? What prevents you guys from…’Alik tails off as he remembers that in Chelsea, an honest relationship conversation is harder to come by than a Gregg’s Mexican Bake. Tiff and Sam are in the middle of some public snogging, and get surprised by Toff, who is a mixture of censorious disappointment and regret that she didn’t get to Vine it.
Lauren throws a slumber party, presumably because she bought a very expensive, lightweight trouser suit and then got it home and discovered that she’d spent £800 on a pair of pyjamas and needed to show them off. Proudlock is in a chilly looking vest, and wanders around forlornly like a boy in a sad film about Russian conscription. Although if he doesn’t sort his hair out, we might have to force him onto a collective farm. Who knew he could make us miss the topknot?
Tiff has a stroppy showdown with Sam and Millie, but unfortunately her La Senza shorts and cami set make her look less like she means business and more like a shrieky Sixer who wants everyone on the pack holiday to turn their lights out before they wake Brown Owl. Millie tries to be cross but she’s a little too visibly delighted to have screen time. Binky sweetly dumps JP, just after he tells her that he’s finding his dressing gown a bit ‘complicated’, and Alik breaks some bad news to Louise - his Dad wants him to go and work with leather in LA. It’s not great, and it’s made worse by the fact that Alik gives her this information while dressed in a long blue and white striped nightshirt, and it’s impossible to look at him without imagining him in a Morcambe or Wise style stripy hat. Men, if you need to be sad or serious, wear something with a crotch.
Hero of the week
It has to be Lucy for ‘likewise, whatever’. It’s the ultimate conversational shut down, and I want it on a t shirt. And maybe as a tattoo.
Villain of the week
This is going to Sam. And it’s going to go to Sam every week until he learns to stop snogging, lying and following his dick around as though it were a metal detector. BAD SAM!
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