Daisy Buchanan | Contributing Writer | Monday, 18 May 2015

MIC ep5 9

MIC 9.6 Biscuits Shows His Teeth, Nicola’s Got A Beef And Lauren Gives Lucy Grief

The Debrief: Plus, say hello to the best dog ever!

It begins with a trip to the dentist, as Biscuits gets his teeth enlasted with ground up Faberge eggs, because he eats his own sweets all day long. Sam sits in a chair and stares at him, enjoying the sensation of not having any dry cleaning to pick up. Sam feels obliged to entertain. ‘Might have got some action.’ Like…Action Man? Did you dry hump plastic genitals with the doll of a chap from boarding school. ‘You know her. Millie Wilkinson.’ RIGHT. That makes sense. One suspects Mille would receive cunnilingus from Buddy the dog for the sake of a storyline. ‘What are the next steps?’ Biscuits asks his employee, because if someone is having sex, it’s only right that he should plot every move on a spreadsheet.

Stevie, also gunning for screen time, summons Lucy to a grim pan fried doily of a Fulham pub called the Tommy Tucker, to show off his new beard. ‘I’m MATURE!’ he announces, although because he’s posh, it sounds like he’s saying ‘I’M MIDGE URE!’ Was Stevie in Ultravox? Let’s change his Wikipedia, either way. Lucy reminds us all that Josh can’t stand her, because he is a big poo - even though he won’t poo in his own house and goes to Peter Jones in the middle of the day when it’s quiet. Probably. Keeping things brown and sticky, Josh and Stephanie are doing some chocolate tasting. They’re presented with a heart that says ‘H loves H’ in Nutella. As in heroin? H from Steps? Oh, it means honey. I suspect that they panicked when asked about pet names and were given the ‘house’ plate. ‘I thought I’d never find anyone like my Dad, because he’s so sweet, but you’ve surpassed him,’ coos Steph. EH? CAN WE GET A REWIND? Oh, she said that. Oh, love. Being stuck with some minor public school haircut who makes you count the teaspoons back into the drawer before bed is the least of it. Steph is missing her best friend Lucy. ‘WAS your best friend!’ barks Josh. ‘You’ve moved past it!’ Dude, you should go to Communist China! I think they’re hiring historical revisionists!

Binky warns Nicola about Jess’s designs on Mytton, and Nicola manages to be nice to Binks without accusing anyone of fakery. Progress. Jess is then taken to task by Biscuits who thinks he deserves ‘A little more respect’ - mate, no. You wear tank tops from Camden market and I’m pretty sure that if someone searched your room, they’d find some joss sticks - and Jess angrily points out that he’s been betraying her all over town. ‘I have your back always,’ says Biscuits, hollow like a pound shop Chocolate Santa. Jess is either deeply distressed or has sinusitis, but she’s sounding increasingly like Rik off The Young Ones - like she’s perpetually on the brink of a big, miserable weepy orgasm.

More cheerfully, JP and Binky have a smooch after JP successfully looks after Scrumble, who is SO CUTE RIGHT NOW! Yes he is! Yes, he is! ‘I really want him to high five,’ says Binky, serious as a school gate Mum in a 4x4 who wants some Level 8 SATS, like, yesterday. We learn more of Millie and Sam’s hook up over a game of croquet - Millie is determined to cement her place in the gang, even though she’s left her coat on as if expecting a producer to pull her out of shot and onto a waiting bus. Elsewhere Lucy and James are bonding over their respective grills and walls. ‘What I’ve seen of you is really nice!’ insists James. Is it her tits? Spenny and Lauren are also on a date at the bar, and Spence classily sends over a bottle of ‘house’ champagne. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to send a cheaper bottle?’ says Lauren, disapproving of the Laurent Perrier. Dude, ‘house’ is restaurant for ‘cheapest’! Have you been out before?

Lucy sends the bottle back (James is visibly distraught that he doesn’t get to drink any lovely champagne), Lauren says mean things about her, and Spenny visibly bristles. This is going to get very interesting, if it only proves that Lauren is a massive Meany Bobini fakey knickers, and less cool than a microwaved vindaloo. Spencer wants to focus on his girlfriend revealing her true colours, but is distracted by his brand new motorbike. Similarly, Nicola, who keeps forgetting to speak with an Irish accent, is slagging off Jess to Alex, who smiles and says ‘We all get in sticky situations.’ At orgies, Alex hopes. Emily and Millie have turned on Jess - Emily, between your hair ribbon and Steph’s Daddy issues this episode requires serious and immediate psychoanalysis - and Rosie tells Steph that Josh has a point about Lucy, and does not say ‘REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE BIG CONTROLLING LOON!’

It’s time for a bit of a gamble, but there are no surprises or outside chances here - it’s 15 minutes of THE SAME. Steph tells Lucy that she’s angry about the tears to eye rolling ratio, Spenny tells Lauren not to be a little bitch about Lucy, Mytton tells Jess not to worry about the fact that everybody hates her, and everyone wears dresses that appear to have come from a Jane Norman closing down sale. Would Mytton hook up with Jess? ‘I’m not single, so probably not.’ Probably? PROBABLY? A sticky situation is coming to a screen near us. And Millie is visibly delighted by the spinning mechanism of the roulette wheel. For God’s sake, no-one show her a motorway. Her mind will be blown.

Hero of the week

It’s Scrumble! Next time can we just have an hour of Scrumble? He could play with other dogs, or just frolic, and bark a bit. You could sell loads of adverts for Winalot, producers! Go on!

Villain of the week

Let’s give this one to Biscuits, who has brought Jess into a world of pain, and forced his assistant to tell him about his sex life at the dentist. Traumatic for Sam, and the poor dentist.

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Tags: TV We\'re Unashamedly Watching, Made In Chelsea, TV