Daisy Buchanan | Contributing Writer | Monday, 2 November 2015

made in chelsea lucy tiff

Made In Chelsea 10.3 Richard Is Back, Sam Refuses To Crack, And Harney’s Dating Technique Is Cack!

The Debrief: Plus, there's a love triangle a-forming... Again. This time with Spencer and Ollie

One of the most brilliant things about the return of Ollie Locke is that our favourite metrosexual marquis is capable of pulling some seriously hot chicks. And we get to meet them. Emma, his new crush, is seriously scorchio! See her zoom around the racetrack in a fast Ferrari! Watch as she shakes her golden mane from her helmet and mentions the fact that she’s getting her racing license! Observe Binky, who is drooling actual saliva as she murmurs ‘You’re every guy’s dream girl! You’re blonde, you’re fit and you drive fast cars!’ Sadly Ollie’s relationship neuroses might keep this one in first gear forever. ‘I took her up the Oxo…we’ve got a snogging, dry humping scenario going on. Does she like me?’ Ollie, it doesn’t matter how much she likes you - nothing can last a course of excessive chasing.

Over broga (that’s bros do yoga, quietly admit it’s ‘actually quite hard’) Sam continues his low pitched constant whine of an excuse claiming ‘I’ve been what I perceive as a pretty good boyfriend’ which is basically like being at school and bragging about the A you got on the French test when you were allowed to mark it yourself and think that ‘oui’ is spelled with a W.

After encouragement from his former Geography field trip buddy Louise, Stephanie goes on a second date with Harney and discovers that he’s more awkward than a pair of removal people trying to get a king sized bed into a fifth floor studio flat in a building with no lift. ‘It was a casual line! A funny line!’ he protests when Steph mentions the pipe cleaning business. He’s less convincing than a man in a terrycloth tuxedo yelling ‘THIS IS A CASUAL SUIT!’ He then takes half an hour to say the following: ‘when you’re single you can do whatever you want, no strings attached..um..um..have you..um….have you got…are you a good dancer..? I think I am. Anyway, do you wanna get some food?’ Sensible Steph doesn’t.

Binky is trying to work out whether Emma is actually into Ollie by forcing her to sweat out the truth at a spinning class. Emma is evasive, citing a ‘really brutal break up’ but the very fact that she can sit on the bike means that the dry humping can’t be going too badly! Toff tells Mark Francis that she’s fallen for a bit of a weirdo - ‘Has he inherited yet?’ asks a concerned Mark. Toff looks confused - I think she reckons that’s the Mark Francis way of asking whether someone has gone through puberty. But ‘his name’s Richard’ - oh! - and he’s a little bit uncool - ‘OH!’ - it must be Mr Dinan! He’s back! He’s helping Rosie with some business stuff! And he’s kind of hot now! ‘Do you know each other?’ asks an intrigued Rosie while they snigger until Toff runs away. The trouble with wearing fifty shades of beige is that it does emphasise a red face.

Harney sees Mytton, convinces him of the benefits of running from traffic and tells him he doesn’t want to ‘jump in the deep end with no arm bands on’. Mytton correctly surmises that Steph would rather lick poisonous toads for Christmas dinner than have any sort of contact with Harney ever again. Millie ‘please let me have some sort of scene’ Millington (not actually sure what her last name is - you may Google, I like to maintain my sense of mystery and wonder) runs into the Watsons at their Dad’s new pub, the Mitre. She tells them what she’s already told Biscuits. Sam has definitely cheated with a friend of a friend. It’s good to be an informer, Millie. Maybe you’ll het half a scotch egg and a free bottle of Blossom Hill.

Super boring new girls Tallulah and Brigita join Victoria to chat about Mykonos and Aperol. If anyone else knows of any three syllable words, do send them in and liven up the conversation for all of us. They meet James and Harney at the bar. We learn that Brigita once introduced herself to James with the words ‘I’m going to fuck you tonight,’ which is why James looks like he’s about to cry when she turns up, and runs away. ‘For him to remember that, he must have been into me,’ muses Birgita, with the sort of logic that Donald Trump would envy. Obviously horny Harney then makes a move.

Ollie has a dinner party to woo Emma. After all, nothing says ‘Be mine!’ like ‘Watch my mates spill oyster juice down their jumpers!’  ‘It’s so lovely that she’s making an effort with my friends! I’m so happy that she’s interacting with people and having fun!’ coos Ollie, as Spencer Matthews leans into her ear and murmurs stories of St Barts, straining his eyeballs in the direction of her tits.

Like superheroes, Lucy and Tiff jump in a cab to confront Sam about his treachery, which he denies in the face of evidence from Jamie Biscuits. He’s so vehement that he makes Peter in the Bible look like an amateur at denying Jesus. Tiff, rejoice and be glad that the worst boy on earth is out of your life!

Hero of the week

Let’s give this to Richard because we’re glad he’s back, and he’s quite fit now, and we want to honour him before he inevitably breaks Toff’s heart by going off with Steph (who he had been wooing with romantic tales of Burmese mountain dogs with cancer).

Villain of the week

Ah, sod it. Sam again. In fact, it’s Sam for the rest of the series unless another member of the cast actually kills someone.

Like this? Then you might also be interested in:

 

Made In Chelsea 10.1 - Tiff’s Secret Kisses, JP And Binky’s Near Misses And Jess’s Sex Demand Disses

Jess And Toff From Made In Chelsea Talk Harry Potter And Spencer Matthews

Get To Know Made In Chelsea's Jess Woodley

Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl

Tags: TV We\'re Unashamedly Watching, Made In Chelsea, TV