Daisy Buchanan | Contributing Writer | Monday, 29 May 2017

Made In Chelsea 13.11: There’s A Blast From The Past, Toff’s Love Can’t Last And It Sounds Like We’ll All Be In Ibiza Fast!

The Debrief: Telling Sam something in confidence is about as safe and consequence free as farting in a lift.

It begins with croquet, and a bit of bitching about Harry Baron. Jamie said he is a plonker, which is very restrained of him - perhaps because he knows that when they edit the show for the Saturday morning crowd, his scene won’t stay in if he says ‘wanker’. ‘He has pulled my bird, actually,’ muses Sam, using The Sun’s favourite 1970s lady label for the first of 500 times this episode. The bird is the word. Is he doing product placement for custard powder? Astonishingly, Jamie and Frankie are still just about together, a state of affairs that seems even stranger than Akin’s startling positioning of his camouflage beanie. 

Binky brings Louise, Ollie and Steph together to plan her baby shower. ‘Steph, I know you love your animals - can you use your animal contacts to find a stork, maybe?’ she asks. Eh? Do posh people have livestock dealers instead of drug dealers on speed dial? Or is Steph St Francis of Assisi, standing in the middle of the Hyde Park hedgerow and asking her squirrel pals whether they know any big birds. ‘I think it’s going to be hard in London,’ says a worried Steph - as if it would be any easier if the show were called Made In Norwich

Liv wins the ‘it’s nice to be out of London’ competition by inviting Julius to the Bentley country pile, even though he’s told he has to scram soon because Harry Baron is coming. Liv is pretty bloody rude about Ella, commenting ‘I am just trying to work out whether I approve of her or not. She should suck up to me a little bit more. When you get boring I’ll tell you to dump the bitch.’ We don’t call other women bitches, Liv, not even when we’re joking. Or doing a fake little laugh at the end of a sentence in order to pretend that we’re joking. Also, the penny is dropping that Liv is maintaining a sexy friendship with a man who went out of his way to hurt her best friend as hard as he could. What an awful pal she is. 

Harry turns up, a white sweater casually thrown over his shoulder and knotted at the neck, a more effective signal of dreadfulness than a poncho emblazoned with the word ‘CUNT’ in light up neon. ‘Do you like my house?’ asks Liv, needily, desperate for the Bentley estate to be approved of by a person whose parents live in a posh AirBnb and spend the weekends sharing their loo with hen parties. Harry likes the house so much that he asks her out on a proper dinner date. I’m starting to think that these two might be a perfect match. Elsewhere, Ella is buying beautiful lingerie for Julius and listening to Mimi talking about how their ‘friendship’ often means they share a bed. 

Harry Baron bumps into Frankie and asks her about Jamie, indicating that if she could produce an advent calendar that would allow him to open windows and eat tiny chocolates as he counts down to their break up, that would be really handy. ‘You deserve someone who treats you better,’ he posits, before inviting her to Ibiza. Frankie, don’t do anything without making sure that you’re not going to be stuck in San Antonio with coin operated air con. 

If anyone else has been wondering whether the producers are sneakily recycling storylines, Binky has the answer. ‘[Frankie and Jamie] sounds like me and Mytton. I felt like I had to make it work and prove everyone wrong, but breaking up with him is the best thing I ever did.’ AHA! I think we can all look forward to the series when Frankie gets pregnant with a brand new on again off again arsehole made good. Their respective boys are bonding - Ryan engages JP in some seemingly casual chat before Jamie rolls up, looking like Mr T playing Bertie Wooster in the oddest am dram ever, and screaming ‘GET IN THE CAR! GET IN THE CAR!’ There’s such a fine line between a treat and a hostage situation. Ryan was clearly dispatched to lower JP’s resistance because he’s the only one with enough core strength to pick him up and carry him off. JP’s ‘last night of freedom pardy’ is really Jamie's ‘I’m going to get drunk and pretend my girlfriend isn’t about to go off with the most promiscuous man in Chelsea’ party. Toff turns up, at the invitation of an adoring Sam Prince and complains to Sam Not Prince that he ‘has no game’. ‘Don’t tell him I said that,’ she begs. Telling Sam something in confidence is about as safe and consequence free as farting in a lift. 

The word spreads, and Mytton gives Sam P advice - ‘treat her bad, follow your penis, delete her number - she’ll be there’. I might get that embroidered on some cushions and set up an Etsy shop. Louise and Steph are almost there with the shower ‘apart from a few last minute things, like food and drink.’ They fight about who is going to order the Shetland pony. ‘Is Gizmo free tomorrow…for a party?’ asks Steph. Anyone who has started watching at this specific moment could be forgiven for thinking that Steph is booking a muscular stripper who will do ‘extras’ for forty quid. To be honest, that would probably be more dignified than hiring a Shetland Pony and dressing it as a unicorn. ‘It’s literally a horse, we can do whatever we want with it!’ coos Louise. What’s the number for the anonymous tip off hotline at the RSPCA? Harry has a fairly boring date with Liv (although he brings flowers) and Liv has a fairly boring conversation about it with Frankie (although Liv wears a woolly beanie with two pom pom ears that’s so absurd that her Lord Mayor would have called a meeting about it if she lived anywhere outside the M25).

It’s time for the baby shower! Binky is immediately shown Gizmo the Shetland, presumably so he can go in his trailer straight away and the girls won’t have to pay another fifty quid for the next hour.  Ollie produces Cheska, and she’s pregnant! Remember Cheska? Had an unrequited thing for Ollie’s friend Richard and once spent twenty minutes screaming at someone in a maze? It’s good that she’s found happiness, and enabled Binky to achieve the current World Record for the most times anyone has ever said ‘Oh my God’ on television.

Liv and Ella have a weird stand off, even though Julius says, quite forcefully, ‘You need to get on with my girlfriend.’ Liv, you might want to lose that weird crocodile clip - I think it’s pinching the niceness nerve in your skull and forcing you to be a real dick to everyone. Toff tells Sam Prince that it’s over, after she saw him kissing many, many women. Mytton and Regular Sam reckon they’ve done him a favour, now that Sam P will be single in time for ‘Beefa. Sam P looks like he wants to find a quiet corner and cry into Gizmo’s mane. 

Adorably, JP introduces a man called Billy as ‘Binks’ favourite artist’ who is singing, for a surprise. We’re not sure if he’s her actual fave, or her favourite who happened to be available on the day and would accept 40 seconds on E4 in lieu of a fee. Jamie ends the series by screaming his favourite bible quote at an unrepentant Harry Baron. ‘I am going to make the Ibiza trip the biggest hell on earth for you. You little prick.’ Harry, if you go to a foam party, it’s probably worth bearing in mind that the foam isn’t supposed to be yellow…

Hero of the series

It’s got to be Binky - and JP - for bringing a bit of calm, adorable joy to proceedings and proving that it’s possible to be grown up and nice when the occasion requires. Congratulations!

Villain of the series

Urghhh, I am so bored of writing this, but Harry Bloody Baron. Not only is he the worst, but I imagine that sleeping with him would be like catching chlamydia from the bargain bin of the Austin Reed sale. 

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Tags: Made In Chelsea