Daisy Buchanan | Contributing Writer | Monday, 21 August 2017

Made In Chelsea Ibiza 4: Tiff returns, Sam Prince has lots to learn and if you eat kiwi fruit skin your bum will burn

Made In Chelsea Ibiza, Episode 4: Tiff Returns, Sam Prince Has Lots To Learn And If You Eat Kiwi Fruit Skin Your Bum Will Burn

The Debrief: Harry, it doesn't matter what the scenario, will always be the dick

If you need proof that the cult of clean eating is slowly killing us all, I give you Sam Thompson, who begins this week's episode of Made In Chelsea by presenting Louise with an unskinned kiwi fruit. ‘I kept the fur on, I know you like to eat it because it makes you poo,’ he explains. He continues to think with his anus for the ensuing 40 minutes. There’s a quick Skype hello from Binky, JP and baby India, and Binky gives us a cracking parenting tip with ‘She’s just started crying so I’m going to put her…over there.’ 

Harry, Frankie and Mimi have set up their own fitness club, where they spin while talking about how unfair it is that everyone in Ibiza is judging them on their behaviour. Next, kettlebells for bellends! ‘I’m not going to fundamentally change who I am for someone else,’ huffs Harry. No, love, you wouldn’t change your route on the motorway to get to a Welcome Break loo if your own Mum was having diarrhoea in the back seat. No-one expects you to stop being an arsehole if it’s inconvenient. Toff proposes Mark Francis as a role model for Sam Prince, and Sam isn’t sure. ‘He sometimes looks as though he can’t move properly.’

WATCH: We Spoke To Binky, Proudlock And Lucy From Made In Chelsea

Back on the bikes, Mimi is in full flow. ‘I need Louise to like me, I’m a sensitive, emotional person, you guys don’t even know!’ Mimi, we all cried during Marley And Me, but the rest of us have never needed to spend our lunch hour popping to Clintons for a ‘I’m sorry I slept with your brother and ruined your relationship with your beloved future sister in law!’ card. Elsewhere Sam is claiming that Mimi is a ‘free spirit’ and the pair of them are ‘cool people’ - as if they’re about to park up next to your house in a camper van, ask if they can charge their phone and then spend all afternoon uninvited, on your sofa, telling you about the awesome sunsets in New Zealand and necking all of your Laithwaites Rioja.

Tediously, Harry goes off to see Emily - and instead of ‘sorry’, what comes out of his mouth is ‘I don’t understand how I’m the dick in this scenario.’ Harry, it doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do with Frankie, or any other woman. You will always be the dick, in every single scenario you find yourself entangled with. Mimi’s ‘hey, I’m sleeping with your brother so please enjoy this ham and cut up baguette and be my friend!’ brunch goes hideously. Sam is even more desperate than Mimi is. ‘She’s even reading a book about how to deal with life!’ he gushes. Judging Mimi’s face, it’s safe to say that she’s not got to the section that tells you what to do when a woman who is in a position to weaponise a massive pointy necklace clearly wants you dead. Ryan makes Mimi feel so uncomfortable that she runs away - but he just wants to get to her ham. See? A protein heavy diet will turn you into an unrepentant social nightmare.

Louise gets a text announcing that Tiff’s arrival is imminent. Frankie and Liv board the Good Yacht Baleric Rentals, and they fill her in over a bottle of prosecco that has clearly been rolling around at the bottom of the producer’s car boot, as evidenced by the excessive hissing and fizzing. Tiff does a great job at not sharing any plot derailing details of her island adventures, and of looking shocked and furious about the Mimi news. ‘He’s in a relationship with a fucking dumpling,’ is her brutal, bad mannered but perfectly understandable response. Fat shaming is WRONG - but now all I can think about is dim sum. Liv has a date with Sem, which is a storyline I am struggling to care about, but I’m sure that once Sem gets what he wants from the show, specifically a spokesmodel laxative yoghurt job, he’ll leave us be. We learn that Mark Francis is having a Spanish themed party. In Spain. This seems excessively meta, especially from the man who swears to hate themed parties, and displays of exhibitionism. Still, he hates consistency most of all.

Tiff’s ‘break up’ with Louise is far sadder and more moving than her break up with Sam. The former is tender, poignant and painful - the latter involves Tiff trying not to spill a glass of white wine. ‘Shut up about your fucking journey!’ is how she ends it, and we adore her for it. In your face, Sam! Tiff! Stay strong! Do not be tempted back!

Mark Francis tells Sam Prince that he can win Toff by telling her about Dah-leeee. ‘I learned about him at school!’ coos Toff. ‘So later, I was thinking I could sit you down and tell you all about Dah-leeee!’ says a clueless Sam, who knows even less about impressing women than he does about Surrealists. Come and enjoy my mansplaining, baby! It will be sexy! Emily turns up, with a face like a woman who has just wiped her arse and then absentmindedly scratched her forehead with shitty fingernails, and has the exact same fight that she had with Frankie and Harry last week. In fact, it might have been cheaper and easier to get some stock footage of people at a party, and swap the right heads in. Sam dumps Mimi, who is clearly full of pain and bewilderment and I shouldn’t be pleased but AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Mimi rushes to the party to cry photogenically and be tragic - and Tiff makes it her business to make her feel less welcome than a Post Office ‘Sorry you were out!’ card on Christmas Eve. Mimi, I hope you’re enjoying this sensitive and emotional time!

Hero of the week

It’s got to be Tiff for showing a surprising amount of dignity, minus the dumpling chat, and telling Sam where to go. Also, if you’re going to make an entrance, always do it on a massive yacht.

Villain of the week

There were greater acts of villainy but we must make an example of mansplaining Sam Prince. ‘Let me tell you all about this subject that you know things about!’ is not the way to a woman’s heart - it’s just a way to look like a prick on television. 

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There Is No Room For Made In Chelsea's Sexism In Our Post-Love Island World

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Tags: Made In Chelsea, TV