Daisy Buchanan | Contributing Writer | Monday, 2 May 2016

Made In Chelsea

Made In Chelsea Episode 4: Victoria’s A Cat, Biscuits Wants To Be A Love Rat, And What Secrets Is Alik Keeping Under His Enormous Hat?

The Debrief: The gang gets to do horse riding! Hurrah! (ish)

This week, Binky has been allowed to choose the activity for the opening montage, which means that the gang gets to do horse riding! This is wonderful for Binks, who is one of nature’s posh sportswomen, but traumatic for anyone with anyone with a distaste for the scent of large poos. It’s even worse if you’re a twenty something public school boy with no chin, and you’re forced to wear a safety hat with a strap designed to emphasise the total lack of differentiation between your neck and the rest of your face. Happily, no-one is hurt but Lucy, who isn’t bothered about the horses but still smarting over Steph. ‘She’s still standing by what she said, and she’s saying even worse things.’ I think we now know who might be behind that anonymous internet message board entitled “Lucy Watson - lizard queen?’

Louise is seen looking sad on her terrace while leaving a voicemail for Alik, even though outdoor space in West London is at such a premium that the value of the property probably increased by 900 per cent while she was pressing ‘Call’. ‘We haven’t spoken for a while, but I can see you’ve been online and posting pictures on social media,’ she says, gloomily. Alik, stop inviting people to play Farmville and call your girlfriend!

Biscuits, always sartorially daring us to get up a change.org petition against his very existence, is wearing a sateen baseball jacket emblazoned with eagles, and he’s skateboarding. He looks like he wishes it were 1987, and he’s angling for Kiefer Sutherland to play him in a movie called ‘No-one Understands Me, And My Parents’ Impending Divorce Is Making Me Think That I Might Like To Try A Single Spliff Doobie And Then Immediately Become A Heroin Addict’. But it’s 2016 and he’s bragging to Jess #1 that he’s got two girls on the go, even though he only recently graduated from velcro straps to proper lace up trainers. 

Olivia turns up to brag about getting an award for wearing the shortest school skirt - she’s undeniably foxy, but she can’t tell someone how she takes her tea without seemingly screaming ‘This reminds me of the time I was REALLY SEXY! MUCH HORNY! SO RAUNCH!’ and we discover that Biscuits’ is ‘trying to see’ the mysterious Frankie. Have we met Frankie? Has she been standing very far away the whole time? Is this why Biscuits is trying to see her? Should we squint? Three seconds later Olivia rushes off to a shoe shop with Jess and we bump into her. ‘Is that what you’re wearing for your date? Those trainers?’ hisses Olivia. ‘We’ll be sitting down,’ replies Frankie, who seems very chill, and clearly doesn’t give two shits about door policy at Tiger Tiger. I like her.

On his first date of the evening, Biscuits meets Jessica Molly and struggles so much with her lack of chattiness that I think he’s given himself a stroke. ‘ I really like girls’ hands,’ he says, in the manner of a man who has been removed by the John Lewis security team on more than one occasion when he’s been in the glove department. ‘Do you ever sing in the mirror to yourself? When I was younger, I used to sing in the mirror to Blue.’ He makes his apologies and dashes off to meet Frankie, leaving Jessica Molly to wonder whether she’s just been on a date, or had a flashback to the Full Moon party she went to on her gap year where she drank the funny tea. He ‘literally runs’ to his next appointment, giving Frankie the same urbane, witty, sensuous treatment including such gems as ‘When you get cold, you get red.’

Tallulah is back! We’re not absolutely sure of her function - she’s either the great grandaughter of Mr Sony Ericsson and contractually requires a regular walk-on, or she’s doing some sort of community service and E4 acquired her through a kind of telly Workfare scheme - but it’s nice to see her. She’s with Victoria, who doesn’t think it’s nice to see anyone. They bump into Binky at a gallery, who has made it her mission to be a sort of Robin Hood version of Jeremy Kyle, and make angry posh people be nice to each other. Binks suggests that Victoria might want to make it up to Rosie. ‘You’ve apologised…’ she says nicely. ‘I NEVER apologise,’ hisses Victoria, as if Binky’s opening gambit had been ‘You shit in sinks.’ Still, Binky and Tallulah make a plan, and poor Rosie, wearing more fur than Andy Serkis has in his entire career, gets ambushed by the Venomous V. ‘I don’t want to be friends with you actually,’ says Rosie, chillier than someone who has just got out of their bath upon hearing the doorbell and discovered a UKIP canvasser on their Welcome mat.

‘I don’t want to be friends with you either. It’s just for the sake of fucking Tallulah here,’ replies Victoria. Her sheer awfulness is oddly impressive. Watching her on screen is like being at a wedding where the bride’s racist Nan reaches levels of bigotry that transcend the concept of ‘horrible’ and become performance art. Is there no love lost in Chelsea? At least we can rely on Louise and Alik to…oh. Alik’s lack of communication has freaked Louise out so much that she’s flown over the Atlantic, and he’s in such a bad, sad place that he’s swearing volubly and wearing a hat so huge and hideous that it could be simultaneously shared between Mumford and all of the Sons. 

In other ‘people who would rather maintain a brutal fight than just get on for the sake of everyone else’s general wellbeing and sanity’ news, Lucy has been steadily snarking at Steph for the past 38 minutes, and has texted her to disinvite her from her birthday party. Poor Lucy isn’t having the best bash, accusing Tiff of wearing a ‘birthday’ dress (to us, it looks more like a ‘forty quid French Connection sale rail dress’ but let’s not split hairs) and attacking Sam for going through her presents. 

Sam has the last, least pleasant laugh by complaining about Lucy’s level of relationship interference and revealing that everyone tells white lies in relationships, including James. Perhaps I’m being naive, but James’ lie seems to involve ‘giving some girls a lift’ in her car. Lucy would probably respond more cheerfully if James had ploughed it into the recycling bins outside the Little Chef. ‘I don’t want skank cells all over my car. Did you get it cleaned?’ she whines. Oh, Lucy, I know it’s a mean thing to say on your birthday but I almost hope that one of them blew their nose on your seatbelt, and did a little wee on the driving seat. However, misfortune comes in many forms. What’s worse than having a stranger’s phlegmy DNA all over your vehicle? Possibly your ex best friend invite every single one of your mutual pals to Mauritius without you! Money might not bring you happiness, but if you’re Steph, it does allow you to make former friends feel really miserable.

Hero of the week

It’s got to be Binky, for her truly valiant attempts to make everyone love each other and be friends. Binky, we’d come and live in your lovely commune and preach peace with you any time - as long as the horse riding is optional.

Villain of the week

Victoria has explored bold new levels of rude this week. I’m almost surprised that Channel 4 deemed such nastiness fit for broadcast. I haven’t felt this uncomfortable looking at a screen since Piers Morgan had a chat show. Still, everyone loves a brilliant baddie. Perhaps she’s already planning for panto casting season?

Like this? Then you might also be interested in:

Made In Chelsea's Jess & Toff Sort Out Your Pressing Life Issues

Steph’s In Pursuit, Lucy Won’t Be Mute And We See Binky’s Toot Toot!

Does Made In Chelsea Have A Problem With Women?

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