Made In Chelsea 9.4 - Sam’s Smoothie Looks Cack, The Love Triangle Starts To Crack And Lucy Is BAAAAAAAAACK!
The Debrief: Delighted to have Lucy back, but has she been at a deprogramming camp where they've taken away her ability to speak English?
It begins with some low level whining, as Andy complains of the living nightmare of loving two women, both with hair of an identical Pantone hue, and Alik moans about the domestic awfulness of sharing beds, and how much it sucks when one person hits another in the face…OK, let’s be fair, that isn’t a traditional Chelsea complaint, that’s actual assault. Unless, like me, you’re incapable of giving your loved one a tender morning kiss without accidentally elbowing them in the ear, but one assumes Louise is too little to do much damage, unless she does it on purpose…
More cheerfully, Toff asks for Mark Francis’ help in researching a paper on political apathy, and Mark Francis suggests that she invest her energies into coming out. To be fair to Toff, she doesn’t say ‘Come out? I suppose I did help Muffy at Prep school to have an orgasm with an hairbrush but that’s about as far as it went!’ Mark Francis suggests that she needs ‘nothing more than an hairbrush and a Chanel jacket’ to ‘meet the people you will marry!’ Toff, buy an new hairbrush for this, or at least clean the handle of the old one with a baby wipe. Toff is bewitched by Mark’s talk of her potential diplomat husband. ‘I wouldn’t mind a bit of diplomatic immunity, it means you can park anywhere.’ Smart girl.
The bois are playing rugby with some new bois, who all look like they come from the same fire damaged TK Maxx set of gnome candles. JP is keen on Binky and goes off for a little flirt. It materialises that he has never had a girlfriend because of ‘travelling and rugby’. He wants to know if Binks has anything on ‘over the next few weeks’ which is mean - she can only legitimately get out of this date if she has jury duty. Happily she’s up for showing him some of London. ‘I went to the Natural History Museum the other day,’ says JP hopefully. Obvs Binks thinks that’s a total dino-snore.
Louise has a whinge about Ailk, which is hard to focus on because I have too many questions about the volume of faux fur that she’s wearing and how she isn’t passing out, or at least dripping sweat onto a linen napkin. Jess is in a similar situation, and having gone for a brief date with Andy, she confronts Gormless Millie, who is surely only in the show because the producers get some kind of tax break for it, over her support of Fleur. Jess appears to be pregnant with her own coat, which undermines her point a little. It’s too late to stop anything happening - Fleur has gone to the studio for a date with Andy. She finds him playing guitar with the same studied unconsciousness that adult entertainers adopt in those RedTube masturbation videos. Fleur is as subtle as a fart. ‘There’s a saying, if you think you’re in love with two people, always choose the second one.’ Yeah, an old, ancient proverb dating back to May, 2015. ‘Rice, rice, baby! It’s Mueller!’ is more of a legitimate ‘saying’.
After some Nicholas Sparks vommy beer based kissing business, we’re back to the bar with bois old and new, and Elliot is chatting with the confidence and fluidity of a robot Boris Johnson that has been self mutilating with a screw driver. Who’s that poor girl he’s cracking onto? OH HAI LUCY! Jess shows up and Biscuits is visibly delighted. This cannot end well.
Binky is out in the country with JP, and she may have met her soulmate. Both bang on about how much they love the great outdoors, but can barely bring themselves to leave the Landrover! Binky wants to know whether JP’s home county of Norfolk is near Somerset and JP doesn’t know! Josh romantically speaks a bit of French and sounds like someone doing a teleconference in Kettering. This is lurve!
Louise and Ailk have a grim, tedious fight and a very hungover Jess tells a super judgemental Emily that she has hooked up with Biscuits, who is already gloating to an enraged Andy. In fact, Andy is so cross that he forgets how to dress himself and turns up to the posh garden party in a tangerine polo neck, looking like a mime artist who has admitted himself to A&E with amnesia and has had to write ‘amnesia’ on his hand with a Sharpie because he can’t remember what it is. Jess says that Andy must think she’s ‘a bit of a plonker’ and Andy breaks up with her, fairly brutally, even though they’re not actually going out. Only in Chelsea could an unattached 20 something hook up with a couple of guys and be made to feel like Hester Prynne pissing on a national flag during a fidelity parade. OK, Chelsea and various Eastern territories.
Elliot, who mysteriously now looks about 56, has previous with Toff, causing a panicked, confused Sam to give him a peck on the cheek. And Lucy tells James that she likes ‘Watching the movies?’ which makes me think that she’s been hiding out at a deprogramming camp and they’ve taken away her ability to speak English. Still, delighted to have her back! Hurrah!
Hero of the week
Let’s give it to poor, much maligned Sam who made his strange, gunky green smoothie and then had the good sense to abandon it while Louise and Alik fought. If you’ve ever asked ‘Who makes two litres of juice and then immediately runs away, leaving it on the sideboard to brown?’ it’s a man who has tasted kale and will not be tasting it again.
Villain of the week
Let’s all think about what it’s like to date someone, and fancy them, and confide in your friend about it and be a bit confused, and then for your bloody friend to go and bloody well hook up with them and say ‘But you were on another date so I thought it would be OK.’ Let’s remember how grim that sensation is and give the bloody award to bloody Biscuits.
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