Daisy Buchanan | Contributing Writer | Monday, 7 December 2015

MIC 7 NOV

Made In Chelsea 10.8 Louise And Alik Are Glum, Tiff Has A Controversial Chum And Lucy Is Acting Dumb

The Debrief: Plus, Mark and Victoria are forced to perform an intervention

It begins with most of the gang on bikes, which makes me dead nervous as I don’t think any of them have ever taken a cycling proficiency test. In fact, Jess, with her hair in a ponytail, looks like a boy with a pudding-basin haircut who is acting in a terrifying educational film called Don’t Cycle, You’ll Probably Die. Unaware, she’s being really rude to Biscuits, who is telling some sort of weird story about being a young lad and having Higgins the butler walk  in front of his bicycle with a red flag, or something. He calls her on it, and she calls for ‘more rules’  when the only rule she wants is ‘don’t tell me anything I might not want to hear’. ‘We’re friends with benefits…and the benefit is that we’re mates,’ yells Biscuits, who wouldn’t know a tautology if it bit him with its teeth.

Toff, wearing a fur hood so big that it looks like her back is crowning, is still planning to have an awkward joint party with Richard, The Robot Maker Who Rejected Her Sexually. ‘We have similar birthdays,’ she explains. Toff, by similar, do you mean that you both have balloons and alcohol? That one is universal. Sam talks to Rosie, relishing the fact that ‘in the Thompson family there’s always one good, one bad’ and FOR ONCE, he’s not ‘one bad’. Alik arrives, looking like an assasin in aviators, and before seeing Louise, doorsteps an infuriatingly unrepentant Elliot. This will not end well. ‘I feel guilty that he’s the one that had to come here,’ murmurs Louise. Love, Alik was the one who signed the contract promising that all romantic altercations were to take place in SW6 in front of a bank of cameras.

Richard is taken shopping by Binky, JP and Ollie, and we learn that Richard will wear trackie bottoms to meetings, but won’t go on a single date with lovely Toff, and that Tiff and Ollie have been texting! I missed the next bit because I was banging my foot on the floor with joy like Thumper the rabbit, but hoorah! Sadly, certain people are less than supportive. Over a lunch so healthy that it would make Deliciously Ella mainline a melted Snickers out of spite, with a waiter who looks like a creepy murderer, or Truman Capote, Lucy tells Tiff that she’s not sure about Ollie because ‘He’s bi. He wears foundation, powder, bronzer – he’s more like a girlfriend than a boyfriend.’ So several prominent feminists are banned from speaking at universities, but Lucy Watson is allowed to be queerphobic on primetime TV. I’m super tempted to start up a change.org competition to have her removed. I’m not even joking.

Steph is much more supportive, and later Tiff confides that she has even more problems with Lucy – James is over every night, she feels like a stranger in her own home and Lucy is threatening to kick her out, even though, as Tiff says, she pays rent. Lucy is clearly the villain of the week, we don’t even need to watch any more. Elsewhere, Lucy is whinging to James ‘She’s not happy at the moment, and she’s taking ot out on me.’ Watson Sr, you are the sickness and the symptom.

Alik and Louise are having boringly earnest talks. Louise is wearing a lot of faux fur, which must be her way of saying ‘Don’t be horrible to me, for I am soft like a puppy!’ Alik then goes to talk to Proudlock – HAI, PROUDLOCK – who calls Alik ‘brother’ a lot, to indicate great wisdom.

Steph buys huge sparkly gold peeptoe heels for the awkward joint birthday ‘because then I can just wear a casual outfit’. We learn Tiff has become mates with James’ ex Lily, and we can safely assume a fair amount of spite is harboured by all parties. ‘Oh, I’d be fuming if I were you,’ says Steph, who clearly doesn’t care that Tiff and Lucy are one fight away from Jeremy Kyle and just wants to go somewhere else and buy more golden shoes.

Lily is spookily similar to Tiff, and the facial opposite of Lucy. She has a puppy and she is posher than Nicky Haslam, the Queen and probably God. She is almost as posh as Mark Francis. We haven’t seen much of Mark lately, but he’s on a mission to save Toff from herself, forcing Victoria to abandon a lunch date and rushing to the nauseatingly named cake shop Cutter and Squidge. In fact, this is the closest Mark has ever got to breaking a sweat. ‘Richard should have given you at least a sympathy drink! A moment of charity!’ he shouts, slapping her hand parentally as Victoria intones, ‘Do you think Eve asked Adam out?’ One day, those two will make great parents. As long as the kids get sent to boarding school.

Louise and Alik have a tense, fighty brunch – but her pre break up outfits are brilliant, even better than Winona Ryder’s courtwear. She’s wearing a diamante choker that would have broken up a girl band in 1996. Alik wants her to come to New York, and she’s resistant. It’s insane. If the love of your life says, ‘To win back my trust, you must spend the rest of your days in a hut in the Outer Hebrides,’ you’d be well within your rights to say, ‘Can I think about it?’ But New York! What’s not to like, Louise?! It’s as if you want to pay an extra 40 per cent for MAC lippy.

It’s time for the awkward pardy! Even Steph is trying to force Richard on a date with poor Toff, and it’s not a goer. James and Lucy slag off Ollie, who is lovely and funny and the polar opposite of mean Lucy and – let’s be real – boring James. Tiff apologises for having Lily the ex over in the shared house, Lucy accepts gracelessly and then tries to take credit for Tiff’s moving out idea. It’s getting to the point where Lucy needs to be visited by three ghosts in the night in order to bring about a total character make over. And Louise has agreed to spend a week in New York, while wearing the fluffiest pink and purple coat of all time. Fight for this love, you guys!


Hero of the week

Admittedly, we don’t understand why, but let’s give it to Richard Dinan for refusing to be bullied into dating someone he doesn’t fancy, sticking to his principals and doing what no other Chelsea boy has ever been known to – turning down an easy shag, to avoid complications later. Happy birthday, Robot Science Man!


Villain of the week

It’s gotta be Lucy ‘What the fuck’ Watson, for her queerphobic make-up comments before she gets it for being the worst big sister of all time. If I see Santa, I will bribe him if I have to, in order to make sure she gets a lump of coal. Boooo!

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