Life Lessons From Game Of Thrones: The Wars To Come - Season 5 Episode 1
The Debrief: Jon Snow still looks fine. Obvs.
Game Of Thrones is back and it's great and basically we'd like to sidestep all the boobs and bums and willies and deaths clichés of any other review show to bring you actual life lessons we can all take from it. Please enjoy and take about as seriously as a TV show that contains CGI dragons. Oh, and this is FULL of spoilers for season five, episode one, The Wars To Come
1. Don’t get your fortune told
The opening scene sees a young Cersei (looking a lot like Kate Moss’s sister Lottie) going to visit a witch, who tells her a lot. Nothing too new is revealed – we all know she’s been shagging her brother Jamie and married Robert Baratheon and not his son, whoever that is/was. But we do learn that Cersei’s always kind of known this, and has also known: ‘You’ll be queen, for a time…then comes another, younger, more beautiful, to cast you down and take all you hold dear’ – ah, so that’s why she hates every pretty woman who comes into her midst!
2. Crossing a vast sea in a little box? Make sure it’s got holes in
Tyrion Lannister has escaped thanks to Lord Varys, but obvs he’s had to be kept as a stowaway on the boat after killing his father, Tywen. Him and the bald gossip manage to develop a sort of co-dependent flatmate kinship, as all the poos Tyrion shoves out of those little holes are then flung overboard by a peeved Varys. At least the holes were there, right?
3. Be more Khaleesi
This week she's anointed us with phrases like ‘angry snakes lash out, makes chopping off their heads much easier’ and ‘I’m not a politician, I’m a queen’ and basically we're like
4. Men don’t go to prostitutes for sex
White Rat gets killed in a brothel leading Missandei to innocently ask Greyworm ‘Why would an unsullied go to a brothel?’, because, like, obvs the unsullied don’t have dicks. Well, in Game of Thrones and IRL, men go to prostitutes for stuff other than sex.
5. Love knows no barriers
When Jon Snow – beautiful, wind-swept, snowed-on Jon Snow – is asked by Davos Seaworth why he was taking a Wilding woman’s body north to bury it, he responds: ‘They were born the wrong side of the wall, it doesn’t make them monsters’.
6. Less is more
Cousin Lancel turns up to Tywin’s funeral with cropped hair and a dress with nothing underneath because he’s now in a religious cult called ‘The Sparrows’ and looks FINE. He chats with Cersei and admits, basically, in hardly any words that he started all this shit because he poisoned Robert Baratheon.
7. 'Perhaps' everything
Margarey walks in on her brother in bed with a bloke, but gives no shits, making him get dressed for dinner and explaining that only ‘perhaps’ Cersei will be her mother by law. Varys gives Tyrion a pep talk, saying ‘perhaps’ Westeros isn’t worth fighting for, but ‘perhaps’ it’s also worth giving it a go. All in all, there's a lot of 'perhaps'ing going down.
8. Use your powers wisely
‘You’re not the mother of unsullied, you’re the mother of dragons’, Daenerys’s new hook-up tells her. However, the dragons are pretty angry she’s kept them all tied up – something she totally disagrees with when it comes to people – and another one’s halfway across the world.
9. Put people out of their misery
So the leader of the Wildlings (Mance Rayder) refuses to ‘bend the knee’ and lend his support to the Knights’ Watch in the fight against the Whitewalkers, so he faces death – by burning, it’s how Melisandre likes people killed. Shortly after the pyre is lit, Mance gasps and screams and trembles, and Jon Snow does the noble thing and shoots him with an arrow. Shoot us with your love arrow, Jon Snow <3
BOOB COUNT – 5
BUM COUNT – 8 cheeks
KILL COUNT – 2
PUKE COUNT – one bulky wine-filled spew
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
We Asked The Game Of Thrones Cast How They Want To Die
Game of Thrones Star: ‘David Cameron’s Not Brave Enough To Be A Lannister’
This Sesame Street Version of Game Of Thrones Will Give Your Tuesday A Lol
Follow Sophie on Twitter @SophWilkinson
At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating