Jess Commons | Deputy Editor | Tuesday, 14 April 2015

All The Reasons Jack And Rose Wouldn’t Have Worked Out IRL

All The Reasons Jack And Rose Wouldn’t Have Worked Out IRL

The Debrief: Spoilt teenagers thinking they can have it all? Not in this life love

One hundred and three years ago today, the Titanic sank, killing 1,514 people in one of the biggest martime disasters of all time. Nineteen years ago, a little director called James Cameron decided to make the BIGGEST MOST BADDEST MOST ROMANTIC AND OTT FILM about it. You might have heard of it. It was called Titanic. Heck, you might even have watched it.

Anyways, with the news today that you can now pay to take a submarine trip down to the IRL wreck of the Titanic (it’s £60,000 but can you really put a price on something this significant?) we were reminded of the seminal romance between Cameron’s two protagonists Rose and Jack.

Cue the music...

Wait. Stop. Hold on. Now we’re grown-ups and a little more jaded when it comes to things like love (never did Tinder feature in Disney), we’re starting to question whether Rose and Jack really ever were a thing. Here’s why they wouldn’t have worked IRL.

Old lady Rose was a bit of a knob
While we obviously respect anyone of a certain age who’s lived a full life, old lady Rose is one Machiavellian nightmare. Poor old Bill Paxton; dead handsome in his wool fisherman jumper, has spent insurmountable cash money and man hours on trying to find that damn necklace which old lady Rose has had in her damn pocket the whole entire time. Either she’s senile (a real possibility for anyone that spins a two-and-a-half hour story to perfect strangers) or she really doesn’t want anyone to have that necklace. Which seems a little selfish.

Actually, so was young lady Rose
Not only did young lady Rose let her mum think she was dead for the rest of her live-long life, she also shot that coldhearted glare at that poor blonde girl who’s all by herself when they’re balancing on the top of the ship before it goes down. Sort of like, ‘Sorry you’re going to die alone, I’ve got this handsome chap. Enjoy your last moments.’


Love at first sight isn’t a thing
I’M REALLY SORRY GUYS. But let’s put their relationship in terms we understand today. How often do you think the relationship between the 17-year-old trying to piss her mum off and the 20-year-old con artist works out in the long run? Our guesses were that had the Titanic arrived intact in New York, Rose would have spent one week hanging out at opium dens and learning to pick pockets before she begrudgingly called her mum to come and pick her up.

Bros before hoes/sisters before misters
Everyone knows that the second you start ditching your mates for your new girlfriend or boyfriend, the whole thing’s doomed. Jack is a classic mate-ditcher. Lifelong friend and partner in crime Fabrizio becomes nothing but a background character once Jack’s laid eyes on Rose. And you know what happens to Fabrizio? He dies. How’s that for a moral?

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Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons

Tags: List LOLS, Nostalgia, Film