A Definitive List Of The Best Cameos In Sabrina The Teenage Witch
The Debrief: Some super fresh celebrity faces right this way...
When was the last time you watched Sabrina the Teenage Witch? Ten years ago? Fifteen years ago? Maybe longer? (If you're in the market for a FML-induced quarter-life crisis, the first episode aired over TWENTY YEARS AGO. I know. I'll give you a moment to pick yourself up off the floor.)
When was the last time I watched Sabrina the Teenage Witch? About two minutes ago. I paused it to write this paragraph. With that in mind, and with a note to talk to my therapist about my Peter Pan mentality towards TV shows I probably should've grown out of by now firmly in hand, I bring you a definitive list of Sabrina's greatest cameos. Because what's a TV show without a roster of fleeting celebrity appearances? It is, arguably, the piece I was born to write. No. Scrap that. It IS the piece I was born to write.
1. Britney Spears
If you're going to zap in anyone to wile away the lonely hours spent stowed away in your dad's apartment IN THE EIFFEL TOWER, who better to summon than Britney? This answer is no one. No one better than Britney.
Fact: I just re-watched the clip and got chills. You could say it was because my boyfriend happened to be fanning a towel nearby at the time or you could come to the logical conclusion and concede that Britney + Sabrina = the purest, most, ahem, magical early noughties combo to grace our eyeballs.
It's a bold claim to make but it's one I'm willing to stand behind: Usher's Love Doctor song is as good as, if not better than, Confessions. There, I said it.
Even during his noodle-hair hey-day, having Justin trouser-snake in my bedroom was up there among my top five fantasies, somewhere behind Ashton Kutcher and before Aaron Carter. (Not literally. Although...) You can imagine my rage, then, upon spotting him and his equally questionably-maned merry-men serenading Sabrina in her boudoir. Her boudoir, that also had a freakin' turret. Some girls get all the luck.
4. Backstreet Boys
In an episode that should've been titled Backstreet Boys: The Original Story, the five-some ill-advisedly start drinking some rogue 'bottled talent' (minesweeping fluids in the school gymnasium, guys? You're better than that) before harmonising up a treat with a spontaneous rendition of As Long As You Love Me. Howie D (you remember him, right?) is the last to sip the bewitched elixir. And thus shade as we know it was born.
5. Johnny Mathis
You might be all 'huh, who?' but our man Johnny is a pretty big deal. According to ever-reliable Wikipedia, Mathis is the third biggest selling artist of the 20th century, having shifted 350 million (!) records worldwide (#funfact). Zelda summoned him as a Christmas present for Hilda and, not one to question his spontaneous appearance in a stranger's living room, Johnny started belting out 'O Holy Night'. What a pro.
It was a glorious, albeit fleeting, appearance that saw the Compton rapper spring forth from an alley poster and help the Spellman's locate a captive Salem. (You're just remembering how great Salem was, aren't you?) He hops back into the poster sharpish after Hilda drops the 'word to your mother' bomb. Smart move, Coolio.
Before Twilight and The Vampire Diaries, there was Sisqo of Thong Song fame playing Vladimir Kortensky - an out-of-work vampire just trying to make ends meet and nibble a few necks along the way - in Season 6 of Sabrina. True story.
8. Bryan Cranston
Admittedly this appearance became way cooler after the Breaking Bad boom of 2008 but still. He played the Witch Lawyer in the Troll Bride episode. Pretty cool.
9. Jerry Springer
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! There are fewer spectacles in life more entertaining that watching Jerry Springer (real name Gerald Norman, FYI) look on bewilderedly, bemusedly, at his rowdy guests as he wonders how the fuck he arrived at this point in life. This is doubly true when he's uttering the words "get your hands off my mortal!" before using his pointing finger to magically drain a certain Willard Kraft. (Tip for those really wanting to throw themselves, full-throttle, into that aforementioned quarter-life crisis: google what Jezza Springer looks like now. Time really is a bitch.)
You better WORK! And work RuPaul did. On The Witches Council. In The Other Realm. Natch.
11. Donald Faison
You could chalk it down to the fact that I'm still desperately in love with him or you could say that, having starred in Clueless and Sister, Sister, Donald Faison is a nineties treasure and more than deserves his place in this slightly biased (and bizarrely numbered) Top Twelve. Playing Sabrina's love interest, Dashiell, in not nearly enough episodes (three, to be precise), Donald was unceremoniously kicked to the curb after Sabrina ditched him for Harvey Kinkle. Not the choice I'd have made, that's for damn sure.
12. Dick Van Dyke
Dick Van BLOODY DYKE! Dick Van Dyke! In Sabrina The Teenage Witch! The fella from Mary Poppins! Tap-dancing with Melissa Joan Hart! Name a more iconic duo. I'll wait.
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