How Not To Be A City Dick When You Go Home For Easter
The Debrief: Nope your story about seeing Richard Bacon eating a bacon sandwich is not entertaining in the slightest
Yes yes yes, you’re very excited to head back home and show off about your shiny, exciting life in the big city, but spare a thought for your poor, suffering home friends who neither know or care about the ‘super cool’ restaurant you spent three hours queueing outside last week before spending half a month’s salary inside. Here’s a few tips on not being a city dick when you head back to the shire.
Most celebrity stories are actually boring
In cities there’s more people and, therefore, it’s statistically more likely that a celebrity could be standing in front of you in the queue at Starbucks. Does that make an interesting story, though?
Sure if it was Abs from 5ive and he climbed up on the counter stripped off and poured boiling hot coffee all over his bare naked chest. Only that didn’t happen, did it? He quietly ordered a skinny latte and went on his merry way.
As a result, that story is so painfully boring that you wouldn’t dream of telling it had it not involved a former boyband member. Therefore, it’s probably best to stop looking for places to drop it in every time this comes on in your local pub.
Accept your home friends might have different priorities
Believe it or not, while you gallivanted off down to the capital to pay £750 a month to live in a mouldy box room, some of your mates decided their time was better spent staying at home, getting married and having kids, which is pretty fucking great.
Sure there’s pros and cons to both decisions, but don’t be surprised if you come back to find your formally bonkers schoolmate now no longer wants to do shots and crack onto the fit bouncer outside Fez with you and would instead prefer to stay in and watch Despicable Me 2 with her toddler.
Your parents might find things exciting that you don't
This is kind of like the time I went home and laughed for five minutes straight because my parents wanted to go and peek in the window of the brand new Jamie’s Italian that was due to open in my hometown.
WHAT A DICK. So what if they found that exciting? You know what? I WISH I found anything as exciting as that. Living in London has jaded me to the point that a fellow commuter could pull down his trousers, squat down and shit out solid gold and I’d be all like, ‘meh’.
Getting excited about a Jamie’s Italian would actually make a nice change.
Shut up about how cheap everything is
‘Two pounds for a pint? Bloody hell, you wouldn’t get that in London, would you?’ you and your city mates marvel at the local Wetherspoons. See also, ‘You paid HOW much for your house? That wouldn’t get you a garage in Zone 5!’
Weirdly though, your friends who still live at home aren’t fazed by these seemingly bonkers cheap prices, which is mainly down to the fact that they weren’t stupid enough to move to the most expensive city in the world.
So, while you’re marvelling at your five quid taxi fare, they’re silently having the last laugh.
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Picture: Matilda Hill-Jenkins
At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating