Glastonbury Burns Off 53 Big Macs. How Much Junk Food Are Other Festivals Worth?
The Debrief: Because we're going to need an excuse to try and eat ourselves out of that hangover
Heading to a festival this summer? Perhaps you’re still recovering from Glastonbury? Either way, as unhealthy as you think festivals might be, there’s a small silver lining that kind of makes all that burger munching, booze glugging, pot smoking nonsense kind of OK. Kind of.
Because it turns out that while festivals are probably one of the most unhealthy ways to spend your summer weekends (see also any other summer activity that makes drinking cider at 9am acceptable), they’re actually massive workouts.
See, some clever people have chosen to take time out of their busy day (bored at work too pals? We hear you) to work out how many calories the average walking you do at each festival can burn. To be perfectly honest, to us the below numbers look mental. I did a 20-minute run yesterday and that burned like 240 calories, so 3,400 a day suggests the results might be over-inflated just a tad.
And quite frankly, we couldn’t give a monkeys how many calories walking around a field burns because obviously, the amount of cider you’re going to drink is more than going to outstrip any so-called ‘exercise’ you do. But, if you need something to justify the mighty feat of eating yourself out of the type of hangover that only a three-day bender can produce then here’s how much bang you can theoretically get for your calorific buck, depending on which festival you go to.
Bascially, this is probably the least scientific thing you’ll read all day. Also, don’t ever eat the amount of food listed below in one sitting. You will die a most un-noble death and most likely become a recipient of a Darwin Award and/or become an internet meme.
1. Glastonbury – 3,400 calories a day from walking 5.1 miles per person
I mean, considering Glastonbury has one more day than most festivals, that means there’s the potential to burn 13,600 calories over the whole weekend. Which, as you should well know with even the tiniest bit of nutritional knowledge, is a fuck ton. That’s equivalent to nearly 53 Big Macs. 53! How’s that for a hangover cure? (Answer: probably terrible.)
2. V Festival – 3,100 calories burnt a day from walking 4.6 miles per person
A standard three-day festival, V Festival could burn you 9,300 calories over the weekend. This bascially means you’re allowed (by us, probably not by nature) to eat 20 KFC Zinger Burgers. Chicken for days.
3. Reading Festival – 3,000 calories a day from walking 4.7 miles per person
More calorie-burny than it’s Northern counterpart Leeds, Reading Festival has the potential to burn 9,000 calories over the three-day weekend. That’s like nine Wetherspoons fry-ups. Bacon on bacon on bacon on bacon. Excellent.
4. T in the Park – 3,000 calories a day from walking 4.5 miles per person
Another 9,000-er. This time, treat yourself to nearly two-and-a-half whole chickens from Nandos. Less if you want fries and slaw, obvs. You’re not an animal.
5. Leeds Festival – 2,900 calories a day from walking 4.6 miles per person
*Just* 8,700 to be burnt over three days at the Leeds fest. Treat yourself with 22 Bacon Double Cheeseburgers from Burger King.
6. Creamfields – 2,800 calories a day from walking 4.2 miles per person
This dance-fest can burn 8,400 calories across the weekend. I mean, more from all the dancing, amiright guys? That’s like, eight chicken burritos from Chipotle. Which, while delicious, may leave you toilet bound for days.
7. Isle of Wight Festival – 2,700 calories a day from walking 4 miles per person
Like Glasto, you’ve missed your chance on this one already, but you could have burned 8,100 calories across the weekend. That’s nearly-but-not-quite (and OMFG on this), one large Mighty Meaty classic crust pizza from Dominos. Excuse me while I carefully erase any memory of eating a whole large pizza to myself at any point in my life from my mind.
8. Bestival – 2,600 calories a day from walking 4 miles per person
Another four-dayer, the potential at this festival is 10,400 calories burned. That’s 10 kebabs.
9. Lovebox – 2,500 calories a day from walking 3.1 miles per person
That’s seven Starbucks Venti Hot Chocolates with whipped cream and whole milk across the two days.
10. T4 On The Beach – 2,300 calories a day from walking 2.9 miles per person
I mean, added to the fact that it doesn’t exist anymore (June Sarpong and Steve Jones, forever in our hearts) and it’s only one day of fun, the potential for calories burned at this beach fest is pathetic. Like, T4 on the Beach, do you even lift? I’m embarassed for you. Come home and eat two-and-a-half feet of Subway’s Meatball Marinara sub. And that’s IT.
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