Made In Chelsea Episode 6: The Gang Recovers From the Maldives, Tiff And Sam Get Help From Louise And We Learn That Rosie Loves Her Cheese!
The Debrief: "Biscuits is keeping it real. ‘Phwoar, it’s hotter than the Maldives!’ he moans, presumably experiencing sweaty ball chafe as he tests the absorbent power of his Jack Wills fatigue print underpants"
War! What is it good for? Well, it allows the most privileged minds in London the opportunity to get a bit of a sweat on, have a day out and learn of an extra option for stag dos which doesn’t involve hurling lobsters at homeless people or hiring dancing dwarves. They’re at some sort of ‘battle experience’ with a name like ‘Run through the trenches! It’s just like being in a real war, only we have a cafe and you’ll invalidate our insurance if you fall in the ornamental lake!’
Biscuits is keeping it real. ‘Phwoar, it’s hotter than the Maldives!’ he moans, presumably experiencing sweaty ball chafe as he tests the absorbent power of his Jack Wills fatigue print underpants. Mytton tells everyone about the big Sam and Tiff (Stiff? How have we not come up with that before?) disaster, and Biscuits reveals Bill Gates always hires lazy people ‘because they find the quickest way to do things’. As someone who has Googled ‘Can I change the channel with my phone’ from the sofa, I’m not absolutely sure that this theory holds water.
Louise is sweet to a distraught Sam, and says nice things about Tiff while wearing a lovely blouse. Sam is confused, but the crisis has been oddly good for his hair. On that theme, Ollie is in a salon with Richard, complaining ‘the gayer I get, the greyer I get’ as Richard looks at the tinfoil with the fear and suspicion of a Christmas turkey that has just got out of rehab. It’s going well with Toff, but he’s struggling with her love of late nights. ‘She made me stay out until 5AM! I want to be in bed by 12. 12? Well, 11.’ Richard my love, if you were with me, we could be going to bed at 9.30 PM and asleep before the second Family Guy.
Steph snakes into the salon to make friends with Ollie, because he is the only person in the whole of London who does not know her well enough to hate her. Even Richard scarpers, sizing her up as though she might be an especially inky squid and he has to get out of the ocean. ‘How are you?’ asks Ollie, possibly wondering why the salon is silent, and hoping she might soon be drowned out by a hairdryer. ‘I’ve been crying every day,’ she sniffs. Do we feel bad? Or do we remember that Sam and Tiff are currently unable to put their respective socks on in the morning without bursting into tears, all because Steph blackmailed and manipulated Tiff into ruining her own life. If you can take all your friends to the Maldives and they all come back hating you, it might just be a sign from the universe that you have to do a bit of work on your personality. Steph is leaving Chelsea and going on a break, because she’s ‘exhausted’. Mate, you just went on holiday to the Indian Ocean!
Toff, Victoria, Tallulah and Jess meet in a shop and chat relationships while staging a small contest to find out who can wear the most acrylic fur and knitwear without collapsing from heatstroke. Tallulah wins, by wearing one of those woolly hats which looks like a child’s drawing of a boob. ‘You need to find someone who is weird, who you can be weird with,’ counsels Victoria as Toff updates her about Richard. Wise advice, but Toff might also need to find someone who knows of a source of cut price Pro-Plus.
The saga of Stiff continues, as Tiff tells Lucy that Sam said ‘I never went out with you for your looks, now your personality is ruined you have to work on your looks, I’ve been out with way prettier girls than you.’ If ever you needed proof that hurt people hurt people, Sam is the type to get a papercut from an envelope and then come after that envelope with an Uzi.
Biscuits goes to a posh shop to buy sweeties for his sweetie, Frankie. He has his own sweet shop, yet he’s splurging dollar on a competitor product. Perhaps he just wants to show her how much she means to him by saying ‘I spent actual money on these!’ He’s paranoid because Frankie is meeting her ex for ‘a coffee or hot chocolate or something’. Mytton reckons that a coffee is probably innocent, but a hot chocolate is something to worry about - based on his tongue mime, it will either lead to a blow job or a painful tooth abscess. Biscuits hears his words and rushes out with a flask of hot chocolate - for Sam and Livvy. Eh?
Livvy, who is happily wearing a modest jumper and no longer at risk of catching a fatal chill on her clavicle, reckons that Sam and Tiff could be in it for the long haul ‘But you need to give it time.’ She also asserts that Tiff is ‘not a silly slut’. It’s the kindest thing we’ve heard Livvy say - it’s as powerful as giving Tiff an OBE.
After three inches of Biscuit’s squirty cream, Sam learns Lucy knew about what happened with Tiff, and he’s furious. James stages a mediation between the two, which is as productive and relaxing as watching Piers Morgan and Donald Trump play Yahtzee!. Sam points out that he’s unhappy with Lucy for making a big deal of his cheating, while knowing what she knew. Lucy responds cryptically. ‘If you lose respect for me, that’s fine.You have deep rooted issues about me. I’m not going to apologise for being the way that I am.’ Lucy, you’re an overprotective sister who made a mistake, not Rihanna in the middle of a Twitter feud.
Toff is taken to Richard’s meditation class, and doesn’t get thrown out, which is astonishing given she screams ‘CHEESE AND WINE!’ over the soft sound of wind chimes. She’s having a party to show Richard how grown up she is. We all love Toff a lot, but one of life’s saddest lessons is the discovery that the least effective way to prove that you are a responsible adult is to go to a designated quiet area and scream ‘Look at me! LOOK AT ME! I’M HAVING A PARTY!’ It’s only really one step away from pooing in the middle of a library.
However, Toff organises the event with impressive speed and soon we’re in the middle of the soiree, watching various denizens of Chelsea recoil as they’re offered grapes and little biscuits. We learn that Rosie loves cheese (‘I can eat whole slabs! On my own!’) and we see Louise being incredibly sweet to a heartbroken Tiff. If only Louise could sister-adopt her, without it adding a highly inappropriate dimension to her relationship with Sam.
Frankie has heard a rumour that Biscuits has been kissing someone else (and if Ladbrokes are taking bets, I’d stick a tenner on full sex) but Biscuits is confusing and bamboozling her by claiming he has no idea what she could possibly be talking about it. ‘Eh? Me? Never! I don’t remember! I’ve never been to Liverpool, apart from that time when I did! Jam! Wednesday! Is that a pheasant?’ But there’s only one relationship we’re invested in tonight, and we get our happy ending when Sam sweeps in and tells a tearful Tiff that she’s the love of his life. Obviously it won’t end well, but let’s not think about that until next week! Awwwwww!
Hero of the week
It’s tricky, because there have been several unusually encouraging examples of humanity in this episode but I think it has to go to Louise, for being equally kind and supportive of her little brother and the girl who broke his heart. She could teach her cast mates a thing or two *COUGH! LUCY WATSON! COUGH* Highly commended - Rosie, for making us smile with her balls out dairy loving cheese obsession.
Villain of the week
This time it’s Lucy Watson, who runs true to form and has not let a shred of empathy interfere with her personal brand. Often it’s a struggle to choose between Lucy and Sam, who have more in common than they’d like to admit, both being more stubborn than the lid of a jar of Branston Pickle during a cold snap. But love wins this week. Sorry, Lucy.
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