The Egg Master Advert Is Almost Worse Than The Review
The Debrief: Warning: It’s Not Safe For The Kitchen
When I hear the words ‘Egg Master’, I definitely imagine some kind of sushi-chef-type character wielding very sharp knives and shiny pans and serving up perfectly fried eggs, wobbly poached eggs, silky scrambled eggs, oozy cheese omelettes in a feast of eggs… My mouth is watering, I better stop.
But no. That’s not what the people behind the Egg Master envisioned. Today, as you’ve probably seen, The Guardian opted to review the Egg Master and the result was one of the funniest things we’ve seen in a long time. Instead of the aforementioned wobbly poached egg, what you actually get is a silicone-wrapped willy-shaped canister (OK, not literally willy-shaped since it has to be kid-friendly, but it is... rather phallic) in which you pop in a couple of eggs, and out comes – a dildo-shaped omelette?
The advert for the Egg Master is a thing to behold. I mean, who knew eggs were so difficult to cook??
Just look at these poor people attempting to fry (read: butcher) their eggs:
tampon, sorry Egg Master (cue sounds of screaming)!
Thanks to the Egg Master, there’s no need to deal with all the mess regular egg cooking makes
Now we can all live off ‘easy to eat’-shaped egg lollies. Oh child, don’t put that in your mouth. Don’t… ah.
The Egg Master’s ‘vertical cooking technology’
This means we are deprived the pleasure of cutting into a golden runny yolk and instead, we have the pleasure of watching this tube of egg rise slowly from the yawning gape of the Egg Master like a monstrous sick-coloured worm. How enjoyable. Oh God did he just pick up that roll of egg with his hand?!
You can use this joyous egg machine for all your dinner party needs. Bite-sized eggy goodness at your fingertips, just the way God intended.
Oh, and look! You can even keep it on your desk at work
And have a hellish egg omelette any time you like! Just think of how disgus… I mean, delighted your colleagues will be at the sight the Egg Master birthing your egg tampon.
Basically, the Egg Master sucks out any joy there is in cooking, ever. The end.
Watch @Whatsamadder and his brilliant review below.
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At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating