Things You Only Know If You've Got Thin Hair
The Debrief: Oh cool, I can see my scalp. Fantastic.
Fine hair is crap. If you’ve got it, you know, if you don’t then prepare for a rant that you won’t understand in the slightest.
Thicker-haired people of the world will never suffer the same struggles as that of a thin-haired one and, the more they complain about their heavy mane (‘It’s just so hot in the summertime!’) the more we want to take a big old pair of scissors and chop the whole thing off.
Here’s a few things you’ll understand if you’ve got thin hair...
Styling is not a thing
‘Just use your curling tongs to get big beautiful waves’ is often an instruction listed when it comes to ‘How to get [insert celeb du jour’s name here] red carpet hair’. Like that’s so easy.
Have you ever tried to get curls to set in fine hair? One minute after you’ve tonged the hell out of it you’ve got a lovely head of ringlets; two minutes later, your hair’s back to being flatter than a pancake.
Me and another flat-haired friend once bought some actual setting lotion like they used in the 1950s – guaranteed to keep your victory rolls in for five days. Did it work? Did it fuck.
‘Volumising’ products are also, not a thing
For years I always bought the volumising shampoo and conditioner sets, the ‘micacle’ root lifting spray and ‘surf spray’ that promised beachy wave. The worst was when you had to stay over at your friends’ house who only had shampoo for ‘normal’ hair. Who knew what state your hair would be in afterwards?
Really though, none of it made a blind bit of difference. Volumising shampoo might have been plain old hand soap for all the difference it made to your silly mop.
Do you know what guys, though, I will give you one tip: the only product I’ve ever found that actually works is texturizing powder. I’m pretty sure it’s bad for your hair (my hairdresser was like, ‘That’s like putting plaster of Paris in your hair everyday’ and I was like ‘Shut up, hairdresser, you’ve got luxurious curls, what do you know?’) but it does really give your hair the volume and texture that you’d never get otherwise.
Just a light dusting on a few different layers of your hair and you’ll be good to go. Maybe just don't use it every day.
This whole braiding thing isn’t really working for you
Thick Heidi-esque braids look really nice on your thick-haired friends, but on you, with your miniscule amount of hair, it just kind of looks like two limp noodles of spaghetti that you’ve somehow managed to stick to your head with Superglue (not recommended).
Showering every other day isn’t an option
A thousand curses on those guys who are all like, ‘Wait, you wash your hair everyday? But that’s like SOOOOO bad for you and strips your hair of all its natural oils.’ As if you don’t know that. You all grew up reading the same rubbish in women’s magazines. It wasn't as if you read books and therefore missed out on priceless pieces of information like that.
Anyways. Who cares whether you’re meant to or not. You HAVE to. While your thicker-haired pals can go nearly a full week without washing themselves, after a day not showering, your head is slicker than the bathroom floor after your boy housemate gets done missing the toilet.
Dry shampoo isn’t exactly a big helper, either. Adding more weight to already limp hair? Even your basic science skills knows that’s silly.
The static. Oh God, the static
Come winter time and EDF Energy could pay you to provide enough electricity to power a small corner of the country every time you take your jumper off. You spend most of your time looking like Russell Brand’s mad cousin with hair sticking up every which way.
Small tip: if you do have a ’mare, a quick smooth with those nice scented sheets you put in the dryer to stop your clothes smelling like ass sorts the static situation right out.
Fringes are a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea
Teem thin hair with an oily forehead and you’ve fucked yourself entirely, missy. Steer very, very clear.
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Picture: Lukasz Wierzbowski
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