The Stages Of Trying to Tan If You’re A Paler-Skinned Lady
The Debrief: Skin is your friend. Don't ruin it!
If you’re a fair-skinned lady who still looks to the sun to get a lovely golden brown colour then LISTEN UP.
Just because it’s only marginally summery this weekend doesn’t mean you can take a giant shit all over basic skincare rules. Sure there was that one time three years ago that you managed to get a nice tan that lasted you three weeks after only sitting outside for an hour but that’s absolutely not going to be a thing this weekend. Instead, you’re going to go through the same thing you always go through every time there’s a little bit of sun in the UK ; The Futile Attempt to Tan Because We're All Massive Idiots.
Here's how it generally goes.
‘Do you reckon I can get a tan in this weather guys? Do you reckon? Do you reckon I’ve got a tan yet guys? I reckon I have. I reckon I can get a bit of a tan. It’s only England though isn’t it so suncream’s just going to stand in the way of me getting a tan. Yeah fuck that stuff. Let’s take off all our clothes and lie in the park! I LOVE TANNING.’
‘Your shoulders look a bit pink’ says your mate, two hours in. 'Ha, hahaha no', you laugh. 'That’s just how I TAN. You say. First, I go pink, then it turns brown. It’s science mate. I’m fine. Fuck off.'
Oh that’s so cool your friend’s showed up who literally just walked from her house to here and got a tan. Cow.
'Ergh, I’ve been out here for FIVE HOURS and the skin under my bra strap is literally the same colour as my skin that’s been exposed. I give up. My skin’s broken. I want new skin.'
Usually comes later that evening. When you look in the mirror and realise your face is the same colour as your lipstick and that stinging on your shoulders? Not an errant ant sting after all. That’s Grade A sunburn baby. And you’re a dick.
This. All of this. Don't do it. Wear sun cream then go home and get on the St Tropez.
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You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating