Six Things You Only Know If You Have Curly Hair
The Debrief: 'What do you mean you don't have an oversized ceramic-barrelled hair brush?' You screech at the poor bloke you met in All Bar One nine hours earlier...
1. There’s nothing casual about a one-night-stand
‘WHAT DO YOU MEAN you don’t have conditioner/a hairdryer/an oversized ceramic-barrelled brush?’ you’ll screech at the poor bloke you met just nine hours earlier in All Bar One. Going home with him seems like a no-brainer at the time – yes it’s a work night, but you’ve got a spare top in your bag anyway, so your teammates will be none the wiser.
But now your usually sleek barnet has been replaced with a Brian May tribute wig, there’s no disguising what you got up to last night after six glasses of white wine. Now every time you yawn in a meeting, Gemma from accounts nudges you so hard you think you've broken a rib.
2. You know where every soft and hard water area in the UK is
There are probably some women out there who barely notice that they’ve drifted into a soft-water area. Admittedly their hair seems a little bouncier than normal, but then it always looks pretty darn effortlessly fine, so it’s no biggie either way. But not you.
Your morning (nay, day) will either be 30% better or worse depending on the mineral content of the stuff coming out of your tap. Remember that time your ex boyfriend booked a surprise weekend in Cornwall in 2011 without consulting you first? REMEMBER THE PICTURES?
3. You spend more money on hairbrushes than most people spend on their sound systems
Your hairbrushes must always have a ceramic barrel and you wouldn’t dream of buying a hairdryer with less than 2100watts (you laugh in the face of travel hairdryers). The idea of running a tangle teaser through your wet hair and then sticking it under the dryers at work is a total anathema.
Once a year you vow to be less high maintenance and love your curls. You whack the diffuser on your hairdryer, scrunch some mousse in your hair, and prepare to embrace your curls. Then you remember that the curly fringe didn’t work in 1997, and it doesn’t work now.
4. Conditioner is king
You know that friend who washes her hair in baby shampoo occasionally and just lets it dry naturally? You hate her. Accidentally going to the gym/a hotel/a mate’s house without at least half a bottle of conditioner is enough to induce a panic attack.
You also spend an eighth of your monthly wage on anti frizz hair products, none of which quite toe the fine line between greasy, lank locks and a frizzy mess (the two hair options available to you six days out of seven).
5. The Holiday Dread Lock
You give up blow-drying your hair approx. 12 hours after arriving at any country with more than 58% humidity. You quite like the low maintenance traveller vibe for a couple of days. At around day five you reach peak curl. You’ve relaxed into your holiday, and you feel like you’re really rocking the big hair.
Then after a week’s constant exposure to the sun without a hat - you want to share your Keegan-esque mane in all its glory - your hair starts to break and frizz. At the same time, a small but persistent dreadlock starts to form at the back of your head. By day 10, your head will be 30% dreadlock, 59% frizz, 11% scalp. Suddenly the wide-brimmed straw hat you bought from Gatwick Airport’s Accessorize when you were pissed seems like an excellent idea.
6. You secretly love your curly hair
Which is why, despite spending 38% of your time complaining about it, straightening or twisting it into elaborate arrangements on top of your head, you can’t quite bring yourself to get a Brazilian blowdry.
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At work? With your gran?