Six Second Hacks: How To Do Red Carpet Hair When You're Lazy And Shit At Doing Hair
The Debrief: For when you can't be arsed, and you don't have a team of 50,000 people working on your follicles.
It's a pretty much scientific fact* that 90 per cent of women think they are shit at doing their own hair so swing wildly on a day to day basis from 'down' to 'messy bun' and back to 'down' again via the odd 'awkward ponytail that hangs all wrong. And, considering the red carpet season is cranking into gear, that 90 percent will also spend countless hours scrolling through awards season galleries feeling bitter because of their threefold hairstyle portfolio. Guys, I was in that 90 per cent until the day I figured out (when I had really wet hair and an important meeting) that the following was possible:
Now, whenever I'm feeling sad, I whip up a heidi plait and transform into a world-conquering ball-buster. Not everytime I'm feeling sad, mind, because people tend to find it distracting during funerals, but the point still stands: good hair equals a woman who pops into the gym every day, maintains a vibrant social life, racks up a massive salary and wakes up two hours before leaving her Pinterestable flat to swan about with a glass of lemon water, flicking through a coffee table book about pebbles.
Do you want to be this person? Well I don't. But I do want to know how to have nice hair like the people on the red carpet when I'm out on the town painting it red with my ladygurlz - or whatever human females do of a weekend - without spending nine hours on it.
Here are the three easiest, coolest barnets I could copy from famous people without crying. And just so we're straight, after five minutes of someone teaching me how to curl my hair using GHDs, I got bored and gave up - while they feature in the Vines for smoothing purposes, the exact same effect can be used by slicking with gel or using copious amounts of hairspray. Unless you have very curly hair, in which case straighten away.
The Zooey Deschanel Golden Globes 2014
What do you need? A couple of hair pins and a bobble the same colour as your hair. And some sort of cutesy, twee clip that screams 'I run a website called Hello Giggles'.
How long does it take? Ten minutes max - and would look, if anything, better on curly hair.
How many times did you say 'fuck this'? Five, but that's because I originally wanted to go for a Kate Beckinsale Golden Globes 2014 and my fringe kept flicking back down, then I stuck the hair pins in my earhole twice. Aside from that, the Zooey Deschanel Golden Globes 2014 isn't a hard look to nail.
How do you do it?
Brush your hair sleek, and you can either fix it with a bobble, then create a side bun with hair grips - or brush it to the side, make a bun, fix THAT with a bobble and pin any sticky-up bits that taunt you from their hair-based lair. Pin a cutesy, twee thing at the top of the bun and piss about with your fringe, if you have one, so it doesn't look crap. Comprehensive enough guide for you there?
The Amber Heard Golden Globes 2014
What do you need? Belief, strength, courage, fuckloads of hairspray, some hair pins and a bobble.
How long does it take? This depends on your hair type and how thick it is - steer clear if you've got incredibly thin hair because you'll look bald (I know because my friend with thin hair tried it at a Christmas party and looked bald).
How many times did you say 'fuck this'? None, because I was fascinated by how big my hair got. Oh no, wait, I said one 'fuck this' when I tried to affix it into a bun and it looked really messy.
How do you do it?
Starting at the front, backcomb the backside of hair sections then spray shitloads of hairspray on it. Then take a section further back and do the same, and spray shitloads of hairspray on that. Then take the sides and do the same. Then comb it all back and fix into a loose bun - your hair will feel like a cloud. Re-do any flyways with some backcombing touch-ups and a few hair pins where necessary. Revel in your own glory and go out with Johnny Depp.
The Cara Delevingne British Fashion Awards 2014
What do you need? Some hair pins and hairspray.
How long did it take? Almost minus time. I practically sucked myself into a time wormhole it was so fast.
How many times did you say 'fuck this': None.
How do you do it?
Make a deep side parting, pin the small side (do you know what I mean? Like, the side that you've eaten into with the parting. The side the parting is on. Oh god just watch the Vine), then take all your hair behind your head and to the opposite side you've just pinned. Twist it, spray it, and let it go over one shoulder. You could probably use gel instead of hair pins, FYI.
Eat your heart out Amy Adams Golden Globes 2014 with your two french plaits and plaited bun - just because we're lazy, doesn't mean we shouldn't have hair that makes people say 'You've got nice hair'. Can you tell I wanted to do an Amy Adams hair style involving french plaits and a plaited bun and couldn't manage it because I was too lazy? Yeah well I don't even care now.
Like this? You might also be interested in...
Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM
At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating