The 11 Stages Of Getting Ready For Work At The Gym
The Debrief: Because athleisure is for people who don’t sweat profusely during exercise classes. Said people are not to be trusted.
I swear to god, this jumper I'm wearing right now? It really did shrink in the wash. But actually, maybe everything is just a tiny weeny bit REALLY MUCH TOO TIGHT at the moment.
As a result, I had to make a note to myself; 'stop eating entire wheels of brie for casual Monday night dinners on the sofa'. However, I eventually realised that maybe if I went to the gym more, I could still eat the brie. So I've joined Classpass, which is pretty bloody great actually, and I go spinning or boxing or pilat-ing or yoga-ing and once I went HIIT-ing but that was quite hard, really, and I think maybe I needed to work up to it a bit more. All that exercise can be a bit much on a full stomach, and since I don’t intend on eating less lunch, I go in the morning, and then I get ready for work. It tends to go a little something like this:
1. 'Great workout, me! I definitely held that plank a bit longer than last time and I don't think anyone noticed when I fell over after that roundhouse kick. I feel amazing. I bet I look stronger today. Oh. Bit red. Quite red actually. Beetroot.'
2. 'Maybe I should take my clothes off out here, or my leggings will get wet in the shower and fester in my bag all day and smell damp even after I’ve washed them. I’ll just stand behind this pillar and then edge into the shower.'
3. 'Oh dear, these aren’t very private, are they? Not that I’m a prude, but how do you wash your bits? Oh, I see. It’s fine, just face the wall.'
4. 'Which one is the body wash and which one is the shampoo? If they were the same, they wouldn't have two different bottles. They look the same. Maybe they smell different. Maybe? Yes. This one's definitely shampoo.'
5. 'Not shampoo.'
6. 'Am I redder? My face looks redder. How can it be redder?'
7. 'Bra, bra, bra. Maybe it's in my makeup bag? Right, ok, no bra today. That's cool, how Parisian of me! How modern.'
8. 'This outfit is terrible, did I pack in the dark? Oh, yeah.'
9. 'Sorry scuse sorry.. Can I just pop in here to do my liquid liner? *gets blowdried in the face*'
10. 'How has she managed to straighten her hair and do a full face without putting on knickers? PUT ON SOME KNICKERS, YOU EXHIBITIONIST DICKHEAD. Why does she keep flailing about? What if she bumps into someone whilst naked? Her bum is amazing, though. I wonder if my bum would go like that if I came here every day? I hope she’s really boring. Maybe she speaks in a baby voice. I hope so. Prick.'
11. 'I’m late and my tits look like traffic cones.'
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You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating