Six Second Hacks: Five Ponytails For People Who Are Sceptical About Ponytails
The Debrief: At your desk and need a quick hairstyle that'll make you look like a fashion person? HELLO FIVE GODS OF THE PONYTAIL WORLD.
Ponytails. When I wear them, I feel about nine years old because for nine years I wore nothing but ponytails. I think I came out of my mother's vagina wearing a ponytail, also my dad was the king of the double-bobbled pony (not the technical term) which I used to thoroughly enjoy because it made my hair feel longer, so he'll be pretty chuffed that I'm about to do a Vine about it. Hi dad. Thanks for reading my articles and keeping abreast of my ventures.
So, it's incredible to me that ponys are now legitimate 'going out out' hair as opposed to 'unimaginative librarian' hair, but that's how fashion and style works. And it's the reason why I now own three chokers.
If you're out tonight, don't want to rock the usual messy half-bun-thing and are at your desk feeling like your hair needs a pick-me-up then pick up a bobble and a hair brush and get on down with the Five Gods Of The Ponytail World. Some might need the odd bit of product, some might need the odd bit of kirby grip, and I'll specify what I used as I go along. The basics are, however:
A brush (I am using one I found on the floor of a restaurant I used to work at in 2011, so I'm probably infected)
A bobble (I think you should either use a bobble that matches your clothes, or your hair. I am in all black so I am using a black bobble but that's actually just a happy accident because I forgot to bring one in then found one on the floor of the office, and it's mine because it had loads of my hair in it that I had to cut out with nail scissors so you weren't all grossed out by my hairy bobble. I realise I've now negated this by telling you about it. Oh well.)
Kirby grips, or one kirby grip (I got this out of my Debrief colleague Natalia's hair)
A flirty sense of fun (I'm joking, nobody ever needs that in order to create a hairstyle)
Note on hair type: I have super straight hair, but you by no means need to straighten your hair to do any of the below (except for the slicked back ponytail, because with curls, this might just look all greasy). I prefer a curly-haired pony, because I've always dreamt of having curls and never been able to fully realise this dream so don't for one moment think I'm being curl-ist. Ponytails are for everyone.
Sportus, The Sporty God Of Ponytails
What it says: 'I'm bang on trend and also have a lot of metaphorical shit on my metaphorical plate right now, so can't be fannying around with faux messy buns and heidi plaits. What am I? A six year old girl? GET OUT OF THE WAY OR I'LL KICK YOU'
How to do it: There's only one way, and that involves bending right over and doing it backwards. And then fixing the ponytail. Haha. But seriously, brush your hair while standing up the right way (a professional hair woman once shouted at me for upside-down brushing as it apparently breaks your hair or whatever) then flip it over and attach the ponytail way higher than you think is appropriate. It'll be appropriate. If you have a fringe then make sure it's high enough to catch it in the hair band, or use some cheeky kirby grips. Or just some hair grips.
Touslus Of The Messy Ponytail Pantheon
What it says: I'm so approachable, and warm, and friendly and incredibly coiffured. You can tell this because my hair is messy, but artfully so. I might also be an artist. Let's dance.
How to do it: You want this to be a middling ponytail, and you want to use some sort of texturising salt spray (I used Schwarzkopf because apparently my desk drawer is sponsored by Schwarzkopf) on the ponytail itself, as well as the crown of your hair. The key is to put your hair in a ponytail and then pull bits out of it, then re-tighten the bobble so you're not walking around pissed off at how floppy and insecure it feels (is it just me who hates this?) and scrunch the crap out of everything. All over your head, all over the ponytail, and you don't need hairspray if you use salt spray because it fixes your hair anyway.
Doublus, The God Of Two Ponytails
What it says: I'm so good at time management I can wear two bobbles. I also own two bobbles.
How to do it: Begin by doing a top knot (separating the top section of your hair and fixing it as high as you can with a bobble), then plait the hair coming out of said top knot for about four twists. Gather the rest of the hair up and secure the rest of your hair, and the half-plait, into a low ponytail. Feel incredibly smug, because it makes your ponytail actually look way longer so you can bring the whole thing over one shoulder or something. Or not, you can do whatever you like. It's your hair.
Bobblius, The Bobble Ponytail
What it says: I'm a wizard.
How to do it: Take the top section of your hair, and leave it out of a middley ponytail (technical term). Then wrap the free section around the bobble and attach it to the underside of the ponytail. Nobody will comment on it, but in their head they'll think 'Oh yeah, I keep meaning to do that' and if everyone did this then we could create an army of Actual Hair Bobble people who could take over the world. Or just wear their hair in a style that makes it look like they are using their own hair as a bobble.
The Slick N Low Ponytail
What it says: I am incredibly high fashion and intimidating but also as charismatic as my hair is oily.
How to do it: You want to go low, because you want a parting. You also want to slick the shit out of your fringe, if you have a fringe (I have a fringe that's growing out and I hate it). Don't slick the hair that is coming out of the ponytail, for god's sake, and don't use too much gel otherwise your hair against your scalp will be a completely different colour to the rest of it. I used Schwarzkopf Gelastic and also extra hairspray. Then you can either go for the ultra-smooth ponytail, or really texturise it. That second one scares me, because I'm not high fashion, so I'm going for the ultra smooth look.
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