Novelty Christmas Fashion Things You Should Absolutely Avoid
The Debrief: Novelty fashion items to disassociate yourself from immediately.
Christmas, much like Halloween, is a time when people try and make you buy stuff. Lots and lots of stuff that, ultimately, you don’t need. Seeing as Christmas is already one of the most expensive times of the year, we’ve put together a handy guide on what to avoid buying so you don’t find yourself broke come January.
Mrs Santa underwear
Commoner than you think. I was first alerted to this alarming trend when a ‘friend’ bought me some lacy red pants with a white fur trimming and jingle bell decoration a few years back.
The reasons to avoid these are twofold. First, Mrs Santa is definitely an older lady, one who has been around since before your grandparents were little kids and sexing her up feels more inappropriate than shagging a man in a Santa suit.
Secondly, novelty underwear is cheap, cheap, cheap and, if there’s one place you don’t want super-synthetic materials, it’s next to your precious vagina. Avoid – unless you’re really into thrush. In which case, get help anyways.
Anything with ‘hilarious’ holiday slogans
Pants emblazoned with ‘jingle balls’, T-shirts with ‘I’m on Santa’s naughty list’ scrawled across the boobs, anything with ‘professional mistletoe tester’ on it... all these things are a giant waste of money.
It’s like that time I bought a T-shirt from Made In Chelsea’s Jamie Laing’s company Candy Kittens. On the front it said ‘Yeah Boi!’ Like he does so charmingly in the show.
Wearing it once was funny, wearing it twice was awkward, I didn’t wear it a third time.
Sweatshirts with baubles on the boobs
Using an item normally used to adorn your tree to amplify your breasticle area? Kind of a weird move. Unless you’re a Christmas tree. Are you a Christmas tree?
TBH, unless it’s the Christmas Jumper charity day, give Christmas jumpers a wide berth. Everyone will have the same one as you and, halfway though the afternoon, you’ll get all hot and bothered and wish you hadn’t worn it.
Novelty Christmas headwear
Santa hats, reindeer antler headbands, a hat with fairy lights – not as fun in practice and they were in your head.
Several drinks into your Christmas party you’ll pop to the loo, check yourself out in the mirror and realise that, for the last two hours, you’ve been wandering around looking like a giant, massive pillock. Only trouble is, now you’ve committed to the headwear, you’ve got to keep it on, lest the rest of your pals realise that you’ve lost face.
Fingers crossed some drunken bozo steals it on his way past. That’s literally the best outcome you can hope for.
The Christmas Day dress
Never worth splashing out on. Sure it’s nice to look nice but you’ll only spill gravy down it or singe the sleeve on a candle. Plus, come two o’ clock when you’re fuller than you’ve ever been in your whole entire life, the last thing you want to be wearing is a dress made of restrictive but luscious fabric.
Manage your expectations and purchase a maternity onesie. Team with a bow tie if you don’t feel glam enough. Your stomach will thank you.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating