In Defence Of Having A Floordrobe
The Debrief: Think of all the money you'll save on nice rugs and actual wardrobes
It is the housing crisis, and not my laziness, for which I blame the creeping emergence of The Floordrobe. Because riddle me this; how is a 26 year old woman with a tendency to hoard meant to store her collection of clothes in the confines of a London bedroom in zone 2 that is the size of a disabled loo and costs £680 a month to inhabit? The answer: she can’t.
The rail in my tiny wardrobe is bending in the middle, heaving under the weight of beading and suede, the pegs in the hallway are at breaking point; overloaded with coats like guacamole aboard a greedy reveller’s nacho. I have exhausted all the drawers. There are no drawers left. Storage space has gone; packed up and slammed the door, never to be seen again. I’m on my own now.
However, there is one last option. A bare and unutilized space just crying out to be used to store your clothes: your floor.
Of course the floordrobe comes with its problems; I am comfortable revealing it to my housemates and they respect my lifestyle choice in the privacy of my own home. But it’s not something I’d willingly show at the beginning of a relationship. If I ever get to a successful date three and bring a man home, there’s always a frantic moment of realisation in the cab when I remember the floordrobe, left heavily carpeted when I left the house and insist on them having a 'night cap' downstairs while I 'nip to the loo'(you know in films when a woman takes a man home, slams them up against the wall and kisses them then whispers ‘give me five minutes then come up’? I’ve worked out what she’s doing. She’s not putting on a suspender belt, she’s shovelling piles of t shirts into the bottom of her wardrobe like a giant human digger, only for them to all spill out tomorrow morning; a fun surprise for a hangover).
But there is much to be said in favour of the floordrobe as well. It may not be the ideal storage solution for life, but it’s a good second best for the busy girl with the shoebox room. For comfort, ease and, yes, style: the floordrobe can be a saving grace.
Say what you like about the aesthetic, implied immaturity and cleanliness of having your entire wardrobe sprawled across your bedroom floor, one thing you cannot deny is that items are far easier to find. How many times have you wanted to throw your wardrobe on the floor and smash it with your bedside lamp out of frustration of not being able to locate your favourite LBD? How many times have you resigned yourself to the fact it’s gone forever; died in a freak lend to a mate or left on a bus in a bag somewhere only to find three months later that it was hiding in between two hangers all this time? How many times has the shock been almost too much to bear, like that moment Bathsheba sees her husband Sergeant Troy walk towards her in Far From The Madding Crowd? You thought he was dead! You thought that vintage Dior LBD was gone, you’ve grieved, you’ve moved on!
Well, no chance of that happening with the floordrobe. There are no secrets here; no garments can hide. Anything you want you can find within seconds, stand on your bed to find the vague area, dig about for a bit, then sure enough your LBD is there.
2.A chic carpeting choice
If you live in a cosy urban dwelling space with quirky design features shit hole like I do, chances are your carpet isn’t the most attractive part of your pad. Fag burns, sticky marks from when your curling tongs melted the carpet’s plastic fibres and the giant red wine stain from that time Mad Jan came into your room for a 'private chat about Sarah’s attitude problem' at your Christmas party made only worse by the hysterical guests who threw Chardonnay on it in an attempt to solve the problem; your carpet could do with a rug.
But have you seen how much those incredibly stylish Moroccan rugs cost on eBay? A month’s salary at least. So why not bypass this costly decision and conceal the hideous state of your carpet with your biggest investment to date: all your clothes.
3.No ironing needed
The wonderful thing about a floordrobe is the fuss-free natural pressing it gets just from being on your floor. It’s laid out flat all day and you stomp about a bit on it a bit, giving it a light but by no means redundant iron. What’s more effective for crease-dodging, this or being crumpled into a squashed mass in a tiny upright wardrobe? I think you know the answer.
We’ve already learnt you’ll save money on both rugs and ironing equipment by owning your very own floordrobe, but you’ll also save on hangers and faddy storage accessories. Down with lavender scented pouches, down with hanging clothes organisers! Save your money for more clothes to scatter freely around your room! Long live this easy mess! Long live the floordrobe!
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Picture: Ada Hamza
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