Madeleine Knight | Contributing Writer | Monday, 1 June 2015

How To Dress To Get Laid At A Wedding (Without Arousing Suspicion)

How To Dress To Get Laid At A Wedding (Without Arousing Suspicion)

The Debrief: You don't want to pull focus from the bride, sure, but... OK you do a bit.

Everyone says the number one rule of dressing for a wedding is to avoid outshining the bride. Thing is, she has so much attention to deal with already, so why not take the pressure off by dressing like a sex bomb and diverting male attention, giving her time to get pissed and swing granny round the dance floor to "I've had the time of my life"? It's the very least you can do, really. She'll thank you later. 

It's tricky, though, because if you're too obvious, and go too far, that'll go down in history (and the wedding photos) as a big mistake.  But there are ways to work the system to strut your stuff without bursting into flames upon entering the church.  

Here's this year's rules for wedding dressing to kill. (See 'how to get laid at a wedding' for extended tips)

Rule 1: No floral dresses

Laura Ashley needs to stay in the 1980s or in your mother's wardrobe. Think nymphlike or bold. The only expection, however, is if you manage to snag a really hot-ass dress that also involves some form of floral pattern; nobody can be annoyed with you, because it's floral. It's the perfect crime! You'll say to yourself, when shagging the best man later (obviously, provided he's single). 

Rule 2: Learn from Pippa's arse

P-Middy may not be the brightest crayon in the box but she did know one thing that ensured she'd never have to know anything else ever again: her arse is her best feature and bending over repetitively, with it draped in tight fitted silk, was likely to win her a wealth of international multi-millionaire suitors. Yes, she was sophisticated at Kate and Wills' Royal Wedding, but there was no missing that derriere. 

The lesson is: pick out your best feature, make sure it is framed to perfection, then make it really pop by drawing as little attention to the rest of you as possible.   

Rule 3: Wear kitten heels  

Sex kittens wear kitten heels at weddings. Why? Because all the amateurs wearing stilettos will have to change into flats circa 3am whereas you'll be prancing around, enticing everybody with your defined calves til dawn. 

Rule 4: Choose head gear with care

To avoid looking like a giant chicken/child dressing up in her mummy's clothes, stay away from fascinators. Royal Ascot explicitly banned these eye-sores in 2012. Granted those guys are priss-prunes but it must be said, on this occasion, they had good reason. Too often do we see women hobbling around in 6-inch stilettos wearing a hair band with two feathers poking out the top in homage to Tweetie Pie. If you're going down the head gear route, go full hat, go big, or go home. This gives you the option of flirtily glancing at men from under the brim - like a geisha behind her fan. Rather than blinking feathers and weird springy bits out of your eyes as the clip slides down your hair. Oh, and tiny top hats are obviously out, but you didn't need me to tell you this, right? 

Rule 5: Work the colour palette 

The 'no black and white' rule should always be obeyed but no one is stopping you 'accidentally' wearing the same colour as the bridesmaids. Bridesmaids always have the kink factor, and later in the evening when you tell one of the ushers it was, in fact, you he walked down the aisle, he won't have a clue you're lying and hey presto: you've pulled!  Because everyone knows that ushers have to pull the bridesmaid. It's law. 

Rule 6: Go easy on the jewels 

Unless you're at a Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (and if you are, we're all very jealous), keep jewellery to a minimum. A well-placed sparkle can still be sexually powerful if scant and planned to perfection - for example, a delicate gold chain brushing the side of your cleavage is subtle yet titillating. It could be a family heirloom but could also be used for gentle asphyxiation. You get the picture. Just don't go mad because it looks try-hard, and you could spend the day covered in magpies, which is an impressive look for all the wrong reasons.  

Rule 7: Go all-out with the underwear 

Even when it's hotter than the sun, if your underwear is sexy, you will ooze seduction and confidence. Crack out your stockings and suspenders of the skin colour variety just so you know they are there. Your dirty little secret.

Example Outfit: A white silk slip with stockings, a long simple orange wraparound dress, highlighting your amazing knockers, a gold chain kissing your cleavage and a big statement black hat and matching clutch.

10 out of 10. Well done you, you wedding sex kitten extraordinaire.

Like this? You might also be interested in...

How To Get Laid At A Wedding

Calling Bullshit On Owl Ringbearers And Other Wedding Gimmicks

Why The Maid Of Honour Should Do A Speech. By A Maid Of Honour. 

Follow Madeleine on Twitter: @MaddyKnight


Tags: Wedding Hell