Stevie Martin | Staff Writer | Friday, 9 October 2015

Five Reasons Wearing Tights Can Be Bullshit, Vined

Five Reasons Wearing Tights Can Be Bullshit, Vined

The Debrief: You cough, a hole appears. You blink, the crotch falls below your hemline.

It's getting colder and I, for one, am really excited about wearing tights. Mainly because I have legs like a recently plucked chicken, if the chicken had human legs. This doesn't, however, leave me immune to the numerous woes that wearing and purchasing black tights can bring (available in all good tight-selling stores). 

Over the next few months, expect to battle the following five serious issues - from the moment you decide to opt for a 50 denier S/M to the moment you throw them in a bin a week later after crying. 

The sizing bears no relevance to actual legs

Get a Medium or Large, and you've got baggy material around your ankles. Get a Small or Medium and you're performing contortions in order to get them over your arse. 

Don't bother with low denier 

Because if a light breeze blows against your thigh, it'll be ripped to shit. 

Watch your crotch 

Take your eyes off your own crotch for more than fifteen seconds and it'll be sagging to your knees. Really disturbing for those around you, especially the man who was just coming out of his flat while I was filming the below vine. Also, watch out for the lovely Megan snort-laughing towards the end because she's seen the man coming out of his flat. 

DIY hole tips aren't always successful 

'Colour it in with a Sharpie!' they said. 'Nobody will notice!' they said. Sure. 

You will accidentally buy the wrong tights

Whether matte when you wanted glossy (why you wanted this is anyone's guess), nude when you wanted opaque, or accidentally purchasing flesh coloured ankle socks, this will happen. 

Good luck out there, you're going to need it. 

Like this? You might also be interested in...

The Most Annoying Facebook Statuses, Vined

The Inevitable Stages Of Bikini Shopping, Vined

Why I Stopped Wearing Tights All Year Round

Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM

 

 

 

 

Tags: Fashion So-Called Rules