Stevie Martin | Staff Writer | Thursday, 3 September 2015

Autumn/Winter Fashion Trends: Good Or Shit?

Autumn/Winter Fashion Trends: Good Or Shit?

The Debrief: What will you be wearing in the run-up to Christmas? Probably these things. Sorry about that.

Strap in guys cos it’s People Tell You What Clothes To Wear time – the advent of Autumn/Winter, where we all find out what clothes will be in the shops, and what clothes we’ll therefore be unable to avoid due to the fact that there’s nothing else. 

Remember when the Powers That Be tried to get us to wear transparent plastic raincoats and some of you actually wore them? Those were good times. The best times. Here’s the lowdown on what fashion dictates will occur over the next few months, and how us normal humans (although what is normal, really?) will react to it. 

Original list published in The Guardian, and written by a bonafide fashion person who knows what fashion is. 

Margot Tenenbaum Is The New Muse 

Apparently, we’re all supposed to resemble chain-smoking, fur-wearing, kohl-lined Margot Tenenbaum from Wes Andersons The Royal Tenenbaums and ain’t nobody got a problem with that. Mainly because she wears the same thing every day (easy, no fuss), it involves fur which you can (and will, goddammit) buy faux, and her choppy bob is really low maintenance if you’ve got straight hair like me. Hence, why I like it.

If you don’t have straight hair then it’s going to be a right pain in the arse. Sorry. 

It’s going to be a mixture of 70s and 80s 

Oh great. Hard enough trying to replicate one era (is the 80s shoulder pads and the 70s flares?), but another thing altogether trying to confidently mesh the two when they really, really don’t go together easily (isn’t the 80s shoulder pads and the 70s flares???!). Helpfully, the examples given are multicoloured oversized jackets, baggy knee-high boots, mismatched plastic earrings, neon zigzag belts, big-shouldered coats and lurex dresses. Sounds like four nans and a mum threw up on someone. 

Really big knits are in 

Like big chunky arran sweaters. If you’ve got a problem with this then I feel sorry for you because really thick knitted jumpers are the tits. The sheep’s tits. 

Tight ponytails and hair from the early 00s are back

The Guardian calls it School Bully Hair, which makes sense because you can remember the hairstyle that popular, cool, horrible girl had when she laughed at your trainers. Tight back, often doubled over in the bobble so it looked a bit like a hairy bell. Sometimes there were sickly sparkly clips involved. Yeah, well, apparently, we’ll all look like that this Autumn/Winter as a reaction against the laid-back, slightly messy hair of the last few years.

Bollocks to that. The messy hair has got me through pretty much everything, and I won’t be brushing it up in some weird throwback to secondary school any time soon. Because secondary school sucked. 

Collars over jumpers is back

Did that ever leave? I’ve never stopped doing that. Surely that’s always been cool? 

You’ll be wearing a massive coat 

Good in principle, as in, if you’re a tiny waif-like model, but bad if you have any sort of figure because you’ll look like the goddamn Green Giant. If he wore an oversized mannish coat. Probably stick with your normal coat because certain coats never go out of style. Like a black trenchcoat. Or a tan trenchcoat. Or literally any trenchcoat. 

Polo necks are still in 

Oh great, especially if you’ve got big boobs, amiright ladies? Nothing like a large shelf on your chest, so your boobs look like they start at your neck, to make a woman feel attractive. Sure, you can balance books, bowls and babies on them but you also risk suffocating yourself. Good that Alexa Chung is championing them, though. Good on her. Sigh.

One way to wear them without looking like a matron from the 50s, by the way, is putting them underneath something else. I’ve found Uniqlo’s polo necks to be relatively pleasing, thin enough to layer without bulking, and have a softer neckline than your average high street offering. The kind that goes up to your chin and feels like you’re being strangled by your own clothing. It doesn’t always work, but it’s a bit more wearable than normal. 

Dark Victoriana is a thing 

It’s basically a bit gothy and steam-punky with lace and mesh. Sort of like a Tim Burton character. Sound good? No? Why ever not?! 

Gross stuff is a thing 

One of the most lusted after pieces in Topshop is a pink crushed velvet suit which looks like something Pat Butcher would reject for being too trashy.

I don’t understand who buys a pink crushed velvet suit and wears it in front of other, normal, people. Surely the entire night would be ruined by people constantly saying, ‘Wow, you’re wearing a pink crushed velvet suit’ and ‘Why are you wearing a pink crushed velvet suit?’ and ‘You look like Austin Powers’.

If anyone wants to tweet me pictures of you wearing pink crushed velvet suits, so I can see what it looks like on an actual person who goes to Tesco and stuff, please do. I’m fascinated. 

Sheer black tights are now cool again 

Alright. Don’t really care either way, to be honest. 

Fashionable people will be wearing loafers

They look like something your grandad would wear, and probably does, but they’re chic now, so go buy a pair for a ridiculous amount of money. Or just see if your nan has any old ones. Or go to a charity shop. There’ll be craploads in charity shops. 

There’s a lot of panic about boots

Not the excellent beauty store, the style of shoe. You may have noticed more and more people peddling the concept of a mid-calf boot which is essentially the most unflattering thing since... actually no, they’re the most unflattering things ever. They make all legs look stumpy, short and weird.

Thankfully, though, Chelsea boots appear to be the better looking alternative – while not exactly leg-lengthening, they’re way better than the mid-calf atrocity. Nobody looks good in those. Nobody. Not even God himself would be able to pull off an oddly-sized, leg-shortening boot. Jesus would be embarrassed to go outside with him. 

Brooches are big again

ARE YOU JOKING? ARE YOU ACTUALLY JOKING? 

So there you have it. We’ll all be walking around in Chelsea boots and low-denier tights laughing at people in crushed pink suits while choking on our polo necks, sweating in large knits and topping it all off with a fucking brooch. Happy Christmas. 

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Tags: Fashion So-Called Rules