All The Shoes You've Worn In Your Past That You Wish You Could Forget
The Debrief: The noughties was a cruel time for girls trying to find their fashion feet. These shoes serve as proof that your awful outfits weren't your fault
Over the years you've most likely put your feet through some interesting sartorial choices. Whether it was your mum purchasing you 'sensible' shoes in the vain hope you'd grow up without crippled feet, or the pair of camo-print stilettos you bought from Miss Sixty because you once heard that Jenny Frost from Atomic Kitten had the same pair, your tootsies are probably pretty happy that you pretty much just wear trainers these days.
Here's the shoes from your youth that you'd rather forget.
Pod School Shoes
To think your mum thought these were the shoes you'd own that were going to be 'bad for your arch'. Poor naive Mum. Little did you know the stupid extremes our older selves would go to to cripple ourselves through the medium of unsuitable footwear in the near future. These shoes were as comfortable as shuffling your feet into two wispy clouds, and as elegant as two hefty blocks of tarmac. Before trainers came back around, they were also the last sensible pair you (Mum) bought for yourself.
Highly inappropriate footwear for this one of the most precipitous countries in the world. These were probably first sported in your school by the popular girl that went on holiday with her family to Morocco over the Christmas holidays back in 2003. Multiple women fell victim to the injuries these silly, silly slippers caused; unsuprising since you probably could have made something more sustainable for your feet from a piece of carboard and an old sock.
Vintage 80's court shoes
With a sensible low heel and made from worn-in leather, these shoes were actually a comfortable wear. Also, how good did they look when you teamed them with your vintage print shirt dress, nipped in at the waist with a chunky belt? Amazing, basically. Minus points for the Russell Brand backcombed barnet and shout out to the poor girls whose feet were too big to buy vintage shoes (hello) and missed out on this whole trend.
Stiletto ankle boots
Another part of fashion's ongoing campaign to break the ankles of all the girls in the land. Probably with a platform, these shoe/ankle boots (shankle boots?) were the most dangerous thing you could do to your feet save dipping them in chocolate and waving them in the face of known-foot fetishist Quentin Tarrantino. Also, they made you look like drunk giraffe learning to walk. Especially when you actually were drunk.
Etnies Skate Shoes
If you actually knew how to skate then congrats on some sensible footwear that was actually condusive to your chosen hobby. If not, what were you doing? Apart from giving your fibularis longus muscle (that's a calf muscle - looked that one up on the internet we did) a workout that is; these things weighed more than your fat nephew who was born three weeks late.
Slouchy pirate boots
ARRRR ME HEARTIES. The hipster version of Uggs, these were best teamed with a pair of leggings, a tea dress (gross) and our old friend the elasticated butterfly clasp waist belt.
These are still trundling on, despite being as effective against puddles as a sock. Once a hipster thing, Amy Winehouse took these shoes stratospheric until they came back down to earth and settled neatly on the feet of a Sloane Square dwelling posh girl looking for a pair of casual shoes to team with her blue skinny jeans and Joules rubgy top.
The Timberland Stiletto
You probably didn't have these but I bet you wanted some. Especially after Jennifer Lopez's Jenny From The Block video. All you needed to complete the look was a pair of parachute pants (low slung, thong revealing) and a cropped bomber jacket with a fur lined hood. Baker boy hat optional.
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