Jess Commons | Deputy Editor | Thursday, 25 February 2016

5 Very Pretty Underwear Concepts That Are A Nightmare IRL

5 Very Pretty Underwear Concepts That Are A Nightmare IRL

The Debrief: Balcony bra? More like The Great British Boob Constrictor

Underwear today is a complicated business. Step out of the lingerie game for too long (ie into your black cotton pants and sports bras), and then try and get back in and you'll find yourself overwhelmed with a whole bunch of lace, chiffon, ruffles, latex and straps that you absolutely don't understand.

If you want to stay in black cotton for the rest of your life, that's absolutely fine. But, if you do fancy stepping up your underwear game a bit, here's a few underwear 'concepts' that are far more trouble than they're worth...

The strappy pants

Remember when pants were just a piece of cotton that you wore over your bum to stop your vagina chaffing on your jeans? No longer my friend. These days they've got about seventeen pieces of string elastic making up the waist band. Not only does this mean constant readjustment every time you go to the loo but also, take them off at the end of the day and you look like you've been branded by a very territorial zebra.

£10, Asos

The cage bra

£20, Zara

Today, bras, rather than being a simple pair of cups to house your breasticles, bras are literal prison houses for your boobs that seem intent not only on locking down your heaving bosom but also the rest of your chest. Someone's going to choke themselves trying to take one of these off by the end of the year, mark my words.

Lace bodies

All well and good but when are you actually meant to wear them? Wearing them under your clothes is a nightmare - there's no crotchal closure meaning you have the take your dress off, pull down the straps and sit on the loo naked at work, OR you wear them during sexy time and struggle to get them off in a hurry. It'll be like that time you tried to take your pants and tights off at the same time and ended up doing a weird shimmy shake thing down the bed. Very sexy.

£50, Victoria's Secret

High waisted pants

See also: high waisted swimsuits. Rather than being flattering and creating a lovely retro lady pin up shape, high waisted pants actually do completely the opposite and cling to all those places you feel a little insecure about. Thanks pants. Thanks.

£14, Topshop

The shortie robe

Obviously thrilling for wearing when greeting your sex partner at the door before pulling it back slowly to reveal any of the aforementioned underwear concepts but other than for those ten seconds, what's it good for? Too thin to be good for warmth, too short to be practical and too sexy to layer over something warmer. In short, the shortie robe is the clothing equivalent of a chocolate covered brussell sprout; enticing to begin with but, in the end, utterly pointless.

£26, Figleaves

 You might also be interested in:

All The Very Worst Trousers You Wore Way Back When

The Trouble With Trying To Dress All 70s

All The Shoes You've Worn In Your Past That You Wish You Could Forget

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