Winter Sex Tips For When It's Grey And Freezing
The Debrief: Get your sex on you delicious ladies. The goal is to get on Santa's spanking list.
Illustration by Grace Miceli
Here we are again, ladies, in for the long haul. Winter isn’t coming. It’s here.
And it is merciless. Freezing showers, arriving and leaving work in the dark, hunched shoulders from heavy coats, SLEET actually inside your eye – it ain’t all mulled wine and mistletoe, chickens.
So on top of all that aforementioned grim business, your bloody libido disappears in winter, too. Apparently, this is down to our hibernation instinct, but this seems pretty ludicrous to me.
Surely we should be searching desperately for someone to hold, thaw our frozen bones and tenderly kiss away our nose-drips? What’s better than a human radiator that warms you from the inside?! A man might be thought of as a human microwave, perhaps?
But no. We decide to nurture our leg hair, like wispy feral children, eat our stollen and dream about next summer when we’ll fornicate in fields at the Carnal Carnival dressed in nothing but a sex hat. But why wait till next summer? I’m here to tell you how to cast off that hibernation instinct and untangle those extra blankets long enough to let someone creep in there with you.
After all, when your nipples are so hard they could cut diamonds, they should be in someone’s mouth.
So the science is:
Less sunlight = less vitamin D = less seratonin = shit libido. Seratonin is the stuff you need for your sex drive.
So how do you sort that out? As a wise meerkat once said: Simples. Toddle down to Holland and Barretts and get yourself some vitamin D pills. These are a winter necessity, anyway. I once heard that Brits live with a perma vitamin D deficit because of our shit weather, so get popping and thank god we’re not living in Iceland. Poor sods.
Maybe pick up some zinc while you’re down there. My ex went through a six-month period of taking them and I can attest to its delightful effect.
Although nothing seems less appealing that dragging yourself out of bed at six in the morning to get to the gym, this is the easiest way to get your seratonin a-pumpin’.
Winter carbohydrates leave you feeling slow, lethargic and unlikely to get up into reverse cow-girl, so dust off your joggers and brave the morning frost thinking, ‘You will be really happy when it’s over.’
Pilates is always a good one as every time an instructor says ‘pelvic floor’ everyone is actual thinking, ‘Does she mean my vagina?! Hee hee.’ Or maybe that’s just me. Don’t forget your Kegels!
Keep your socks on
Studies have shown that keeping your socks on while having it ’orf means you’re more likely to reach the Big old O. This is coz the warmth and comfort suppresses anxiety and fear, which won’t get you anywhere near it.
Socks don’t need to be awful though. I’m not suggesting you crack out the crocodile slipper socks. Look at these sexy thigh highs from American Apparel. She’s looking pretty sexy, whoever she is. I would.
It’s easy in the winter months to hide lengthy leg hair under opaque tights (until it starts poking through at the knees). If you’re happy to keep your body hair as nature intended all year round, then go for it, but if the summer months normally see you waxing your legs, trimming your bush and shaving your pits, then don’t stop the minute the first frost hits the ground – you’re basically setting yourself up to feel less sexy than usual.
If you’re sick of feeling pasty in the winter, then keep up the fake tan, if that’s your thing. And always make sure you have clean fingernails – as a general rule in life, not just for winter. (It’s actually a very difficult thing to achieve in London, so well done if you manage it.)
Basically, be as nice to yourself as you are in the summer months when you work on the assumption that the next potential shag is always an hour away.
Playing dress up
Winter is the perfect time to get theatrical when it comes to your saucy wardrobe. Midsummer is not the time to squeeze into a PVC police outfit and sweat so much it’s impossible to remove. The possibilities are endless when you start getting creative. Restoration corsets, elaborate stockings, fur-lined cloaks. You can create your very own Torture Garden event in the safety of your own home…
Sorry, I just got really excited about the prospect of a fur-lined coat. I basically want one like this.
And even if you’ve got the winter lurgy, you might turn that into a sexy game too called ‘I’m going to infect you.’ This won’t work with strangers. It probably won’t work with your partner either. Actually, ignore that last bit. It’s non-advice.
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At work? With your gran?