Wheelbarrow Sex Position: How The Hell Do You Do It?
The Debrief: The wheelbarrow position: notoriously tricky but is it any good? More to the point, is it worth the hassle?
The wheelbarrow sex position is incredibly difficult, and even there I'm understating it, because there aren't yet words in the English language to fully describe how appallingly hard it is to shag like this. Especially if you're unfit like I am and have all the balance of a drunk aunt at a wedding. Nevertheless, in the name of journalism, I grabbed a volunteer and plied him with Toffee Crisps so that he'd spend an evening with me working out the best way to nail it.
What is the 'wheelbarrow position'?
It involves one person on the floor, posed as if they're doing a push-up. They spread their legs, then the other person approaches from behind and picks up their legs, gets as close to their genital opening as possible, and humps away. Hence the name: wheelbarrow. Imagine your grandad at his allotment pushing a wheelbarrow, except instead of a wheelbarrow it's another person and instead of pushing he's humping desperately trying to ejaculate before they both collapse.
If you're a gym enthusiast, built like a delicate porcelain doll, this might be all you need in the Ultimate Guide To Wheelbarrow Sex. However, I am built like a brick shithouse filled with jelly babies - a quick calculation on the B&Q website informs me that I'm roughly five times the weight of this Premier Plus silver wheelbarrow.
So I'll give you the same advice I gave him: brace yourself.
How to do the Wheelbarrow Position if you're not a yoga-enthusiast
First thing's first: safety. The tricky thing about wheelbarrow sex is that if you mess it up, the person who's being the wheelbarrow is going to end up face down on the carpet. My volunteer kindly recommended that instead of going into full press-up, I rest on my elbows - 'so you have less far to fall' - and he'd hoik my legs up from there.
Sounds easy? WELL IT ISN'T.
The most pressing wheelbarrow sex problem was that in order to get my legs in the right place (gripped around his waist), I had to tense my muscles and cling on for dear life. The tenser my muscles, the smaller the target is for his penis. That's a subtle way of saying that my vagina is the only part of my body with muscle mass left, and it tightens up significantly when I pose like a planking frog.
He lifted my legs, I wrapped them round his waist, and then while he maintained a stoic face and an even more stoic erection, I reached back with one of my hands to try and sort of poke it in.
Eventually – success! We had entry! Then I collapsed into fits of giggles and it fell straight back out again.
Success level? 3/10 I'm giving us one point for every stroke before his dick fell out.
Notes? Apparently when I giggle it feels nice for him. I'd never realised this before because I am not much of a sex-laugher. To me sex is a sacred thing, and should be tackled with all the sombre respect of a parliamentary committee hearing. But now I know how much he loves the giggle-twitches, I'm creating a Radio 4 comedy playlist for our next night in.
Wheelbarrow position: sofa tricks to make it easier
This article was inevitably going to descend into 'Top Ways To Hack The Wheelbarrow Sex Position So You Don't Put Your Back Out', and my main tips here are going to involve that old staple: the sofa. I hope your housemates are open-minded, and have popcorn.
Legs up on the sofa
He shuffled back (still on his knees on the floor) so that the sofa was positioned behind his back. Instead of gripping his waist with my legs, I tried to put both my legs up on the sofa. That way he wouldn't have to hold them while he humped.
Was it a success? No. Or more accurately: hell no. I did manage to get one leg up on the sofa, but again we came a cropper with angles. I could potentially pose in that position, with one leg up, but at that point we're not so much having wheelbarrow sex as inventing a new wrestling move.
Success? 4/10, because he did say that the angle felt quite nice.
Notes? Again, giggling feels nice for him, but it doesn't much help to aid balance. If anything it's a hindrance.
Sofa arms for balance
Our next attempt involved me lying over one of the sofa arms, face in a pile of cushions, and then slowly tipping myself forward until my feet were off the floor. It's rare that you get to use the word 'cantilever' during sexy chat, so I guess the one benefit of wheelbarrow sex is that we managed to bring as-yet-unused engineering terms into the mix.
Again, he pointed out that one of the main problems, even with the help of a rather lovely M&S sofa, is that people's legs simply don't open wide enough to allow for easy entry. If I could do the full splits then perhaps it'd slide in better.
'Or if I had a four-foot cock.'
'If you had a four-foot cock you'd have some very different problems, mate.'
Success? 5/10 We did manage to get it in eventually, and have a reasonably satisfying thirty seconds or so. But it didn't technically count as wheelbarrow sex, so I skooched my arms off the sofa and onto the floor, and we collapsed like a house of cards. If the cards were people, and those people were covered in sex juice.
Notes: If you have a trendy 'low' sofa, this probably won't work, so if you're keen on nailing this position, I recommend a dry run with your clothes on in IKEA.
Wheelbarrow sex on the bed
There's a reason why most people shag more in the bedroom than the lounge: beds are comfy. Wheelbarrow sex on the bed is a million times easier and more comfortable than the previous floor-and-sofa variations. That's because you essentially lie with your entire front portion on the mattress, and your partner slips in behind. You can also reverse this, and have them sitting on the bed while you put your hands on the floor. Both ways mean there's less body mass to support (or for your partner to support), but after a thoroughly satisfying session in both of these positions, we had to scratch it from the list.
It's not so much a 'successful way to shag in the wheelbarrow position', more 'a successful way to shag because it is NOT the wheelbarrow position.'
Success? 9/10. But, like a drunk Carol Vorderman, it simply doesn't count.
Wheelbarrow Sex Position: why?
If you've arrived here eagerly anticipating your first ever mindblowing wheelbarrow sex session, then I'm gutted to be the one who disappoints you. The wheelbarrow sex position is pretty popular in some of the porn I watch, but there the people doing it are professionals. What's more (and apologies if this gives you far too much detail about my porn watching habits) there are usually a few spare blokes to help provide extra balance or muscle where required. Given this, and my own laughably awful attempts, I can only conclude that the wheelbarrow sex position is best left to those who have had a lot of practice.
The wheelbarrow position is essentially the 'ten minute car chase through Italian streets' of shagging: you'll never be able to do it like they do in the films, and someone's definitely going to get hurt.
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