The Stages Of Breaking Up With Your Holiday Fling
The Debrief: You can't go from sangrias at sunset to a Superfood Salad at Pizza Express – which is why you need to end it, fast
For a few sunkissed evenings in Sicily, Salvatori and his manstallion chest rug was everything your body screamed for. In Corfu, sliding your fingers through Stavros's slick, Vaselined locks made you moisten. But that was in another land where you weren’t you. You were Clitoria the sun princess and Filippo was your sexual seahorse. Wrapped in his arms you were far from the day to day grind.
You didn’t care about the fact Enrique only knew two words of English, or that Pablo’s friends lived in a crack den or that Marco was 40 and still mixing Margharitas for a living. For that week, you were in love. But all the promises you made in that snatched week of passion were not promises you ever intended to keep! What happens in Benidorm, stays in Benidorm. And it's only fair Pedro understands that, too.
Luckily, he probably will. Because he’s having snatched weeks with everyone’s snatches. That’s his gig. Your little week of cheekies will remain untouched and untarnished in your sex-memory vault. But what happens when your holiday ‘hunk’ is a.... Brit? What happens when he lives within driving distance from your parents’ house?
This unhappy coincidence has the power to ruin everything about the holiday romance fantasy. You can’t go from sangrias at sunset to a Superfood Salad at Pizza Express, so here’s how to conduct yourself during a holiday romance, so you can cut the cord before you’re holding his hand on the tube and reality crashes in, bringing with it a gut curdling rush of disappointment.
Steer clear of Brits altogether (Don’t shit where you eat.... I’m not sure if that works in this situation...)
This is the easiest option to avoid lingering awkwardness. It shouldn’t be too hard either! Brits will be substantially paler than those local to your holiday destination, less forward and less passionate. AND they’re packing less... not that it matters (it does when it’s a week of unbridled passion).
Keep Him Quiet
If you just can’t get enough of the Egg-on-legs look, or the sparkling British wit has always tingled your Tallulah more-so than any torso, then try and keep conversation minimal during your dalliance. The more information you know about him, the more the romance is likely to linger. Do try to be tactful though. See below:
Yes: ‘Sssh. *Giggle* Let’s not talk about home stuff.’
No: ‘Shut up and fuck me’
Yes: ‘Let's just be in the moment’
No: ‘I don’t want to hear about your ailing grandmother.’
Pretend you have a boyfriend
Even if you don’t have one, this is an excellent way to begin and end a fling. Some serious role play can come from the whole ‘Oh... I feel so guilty. But you so damn hot you make me want to rip off my clothes and FORGET my morals!!’ vibe.
Pretend you’re very religious
Continuing in the lying/role play theme. Setting up that you’re from a very religious family and have only really ever had sex once before is fodder for serious sex fun – apart from anything else, the whole ‘Oh..what are you doing to me? I’ve never done any of this before and I am so naive’ will make you both cumrocket.
Terminal illness. Too far?
Do it Dirty
If you ever had any particularly deviant fantasies, this is your perfect time to try them out. Not only will you have ticked some things off the bucket list but as an added bonus, you might ‘out-seed’ him – which is where a guy loves what he’s getting, but then, post orgasm decides he could never feasibly have a girlfriend who likes to shout, ‘You're a dirty ass bitch motherf**king pony! RIDE MEEEE! *insert donkey noise*’ at the point of orgasm.
A calculated goodbye
Whatever you set the situation up to be, the final goodbye is key. No phone numbers will be exchanged. Your friends will give nothing away about your home life while you’re chatting aimlessly around baggage claim. A firm kiss on the mouth, an intense look into their eyes and firm hold of their forearm accompanied by the words, ‘This was one of the memories I’ll keep,’ followed by a sexy walk away where you don’t look back and don’t walk into anything.
A romance nipped in the bud, where arguably the majority of romances should end, is a romance to be treasured.
Your grandchildren are far rather to enjoy a story ending in ‘…and I never knew if he was the inventor of the capital letter or a coal miner,’ rather than ‘…and then he left me shit loads of cringe text messages harking back to when I rimmed him, so I had to change my number.’
Actually they'll probably be entertained by either.
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Photograph by Maggy Van Eijk
At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating