The Most Shared-Living-Friendly Vibrators
The Debrief: Or in other words, how to get yourself off without getting everyone else annoyed...
Science recently announced the creation of a new, super-powerful vibrator, and with it a new, super-powerful 'third-level' orgasm. Hello, nurse. My roommates and I were intrigued. A quick room poll revealed a 100% 'would hit it' approval rating, with one huge caveat: how could we give these super-vibrators a go without everyone in the house knowing exactly what we were up to and when?
None of us are good at DIY, and there are really only so many times you can tell your flatmates you're "putting up shelves." I haven't listened to aggressive angry rock music since my Sad Teen days and I just switched to a new space heater that doesn't make loud, scary sounds that conveniently block out noises of any bedroom activity. So what to do?
When getting off in shared accommodation, silence is key.
Shared living can be incredible — it helps save you money, nothing bonds a group of people together quite like a shared kitchen, and you get very good at writing notes that are both incredibly intense and deeply breezy. You can share a lot of things with good flatmates—tea, shoes, non-dairy milks—but I think we can all agree it's nice to keep your masturnoon plans to yourself. When getting off in shared accommodation, silence is key.
Some notes to think about when shopping for a 'quiet night in': rechargeable vibes, while generally more expensive than battery-powered ones, run more quietly due to the absence of loose components inside to jiggle around and alert everyone to your business. Pliable silicone is also much quieter than hard plastic, acting as a muffler for noise. No vibrator will ever be totally silent, but these ones are some of your best bets for keeping your solo hanky-panky between you and your duvet.
Durex Play Touch Finger Vibe
If you're new to the world of vibrators, this is a great starter for a lot of reasons. First of all, it's small and simple, making it easy to use and easy to hide, in case your flatmates bust in unexpectedly looking for that top you borrowed six months ago and never returned. They will not find it, but they will also not find this sex toy. Secondly, it's a super deal at £8.99 and offers about 30 minutes of quiet, controlled vibrations for a one-use fun time on your own or with a partner. Kind of like the no-strings-attached quickie of solo sexperiences.
Berman Center Astrea 2 Remote Control Vibrating Thong
Literally no idea what is going on with that name but otherwise this product is pretty great in both concept and execution. Subtle enough to be worn out in public, give your partner the remote control and let them send you a quick (or painfully long) bzzz bzzz whenever they'd like. As a bonus, it's actually easier to get away with a bit of a humming noise in a crowded bar or restaurant — no one will hear a thing. It can be hard to use the word "naughty" without feeling like Austin Powers, but seriously: wearing a vibrating thong out in public? Be-haaaaave.
Another remote controlled toy, the We-Vibe is pricey (£125) but has an incredible power-to-noise ratio (v. quiet, vvvv. powerful) and can be used solo or during coupled sex. This thing looks like a 'lil lobster claw but is actually like the Million Dollar Man version of a vibrator. The result of years of collaboration between gynaecologists, relationship counsellors, consumers and retailers, this thing knows what you want better than you do. And certainly better than your boyfriend does.
California Exotics Advanced Clitoral Pump
Okay, hear me out. "Clitoral pump" is a nightmare of a word combo but when was suction in that area (or pumping, for that matter) ever a bad thing? A bit of an atypical sex toy choice, the pump works by letting you create and squeeze a small vacuum area, slowly swelling things up and increasing sensation in the area. Plus it's totally analog, meaning no sound whatsoever. This one comes with a battery option to create some vibrations on top of the suction, but that's up to you and still pretty quiet. Expand your mind!
Lelo Liv Luxury Rechargeable Vibrator
Lelo really is the Ferrari of sex toys. Sleek design, easy to clean, long-lasting, high-functioning and quieter than your roommates that time you asked them what happened to those cakes you made for your work charity thing. If you're looking to treat yourself, this is a good one.
Now, SHHHH and have fun. But especially: shhhhhh.
Follow Monica on Twitter @monicaheisey
At work? With your gran?
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