The Five Worst Sex Positions Of All Time
The Debrief: Yes, we went there. Don't try these at home. Or maybe do, then let us know how it goes...
When I first started shagging, I thought missionary position was ‘level one’. Years of skimming through magazines had prepared me for the fact that, in order to have great sex, I’d have to quickly graduate from lying on my back to folding my legs into weird pretzel shapes and possibly investing in a specially designed chair. My reaction to an article entitled ‘Fifty Best Sex Positions’ was to memorise the ones I’d not yet done in the hope that I could persuade an adventurous boyfriend to dislocate his shoulders and have a go at them.
Now, though, my reaction to these articles is, ‘Fifty positions? You have got to be shitting me.’
While the vast majority of ‘hot sex positions that’ll blow his mind’ are basically variations on old favourites (‘it’s like doggy, but you arch your back a bit more!’) there are a few that seem genuinely different. Ones that involve a bit of determination, skill and sheer bloody-mindedness from both people involved. I’ve had enough sex now that I feel comfortable giving you an honest opinion on these complex sex positions. My view – after careful consideration and years of experimentation – is: fuck that. Here’s some of the silliest…
The Erotic Accordian Sex Position
How it works: A guy lies on his back and draws his knees up to his chest, so he is curled a bit like he’s halfway through a backward roll. You squat over him like you’re taking a dump in the woods, only instead of doing that (which is really only for specialist kinksters), you sit on his penis, which will be poking through the gap in the back of his legs.
I promise you this is a real position, recommended frequently by a certain women’s magazine. You can tell I haven’t made it up, because if the words, ‘Come on darling, let’s do the erotic accordion,’ had ever come out of my mouth, I’d have spent most of my adult life alone.
If you’ve imagined this position correctly, you’ll understandably be wondering, ‘Does a penis even bend that way?’ The answer is a combination of ‘yes’ and ‘no’ that leads to some eye-wateringly disappointing sex.
Number of times attempted: once. For 20 seconds. Then never again.
Better alternative: Buy a strap-on with a really flexible harness. Hey presto: you can fuck him any way you like without having to cause injury to his actual ‘member’.
The Head Over Heels Sex Position
How does it work? You kneel on the floor and rest your head on your arms in front of you. So far, so sexy. However, this position takes a turn for the borderline acrobatic when he lifts your feet, holds them at his waist height, then shags you like this is an X-rated version of a wheelbarrow race.
If you’re reading this from the comfort of your in-home yoga studio, and you like swinging your partner around the room like an enthusiastic circus gymnast, I can see why this position might appeal.
For most of us, though, these positions cause far more pain than pleasure. I’m nearly 6ft tall, with a body density that’s roughly the same as fruit cake. Asking him to lift me up to fuck me sounds like the ominous opening of an episode of Casualty.
Number of times attempted: once with each new boyfriend, just to check if they had latent superpowers.
Better alternative: doggy style. If you want a different angle, try putting your legs up on the sofa, or getting your partner to stand in a hole.
The Joystick Joyride Sex Position
How does it work? A guy lies on the floor on his back, and you sit on his penis. Sounds fairly simple, right? No, because the next instruction is to ‘start swivelling your hips in figure-of-eight motions – you’ll be moving his penis around inside you as you would a joystick for a video game’.
First-off, vaginas are sensitive and fascinating pieces of equipment, but they’re not all the same. Some women find it hard to climax from penetration alone, so expecting all women not just to enjoy, but orgasm at exactly the same movements? It’s like expecting us all to love Marmite.
Even more importantly, I don’t think the person who wrote this sex tip has ever tried it. You try it right now – go on. Hover slightly above your chair/sofa/bus seat (depending on where you're reading this) and ‘swivel your hips in figure-of-eight’ motions. Difficult, isn’t it? And not particularly fun. And all those people are staring.
Number of times attempted: 10, but only just now on this office chair and never on a real human who might understandably wonder if I was trying to work out a muscle cramp.
Better alternative: go through a range of different motions. Up and down, grinding, figure-of-eight if you must, and see how it feels for you. Listen for those subtle cues from your partner, such as when he gasps excitedly or shouts, ‘We have lift off!’
The Squat Sex Position
How does it work? He lies on his back, knees bent and legs akimbo, and you squat between his legs facing him, with your feet either side of his chest, then bounce up and down on his penis.
This one's fun, if your hips are narrow enough that he doesn't have to do the splits to accommodate you between his thighs. But on top of the whole ‘splits’ question lies the very pertinent issue of whether it's possible to do squats when your feet are that far in front of you. The answer is ‘yes’, but only if you're an accomplished breakdancer, or the sort of person who can mime ‘sitting in an invisible chair’.
Number of times attempted: five or six, because I’m determined like that.
Better alternative: sit in a way that is comfortable for both of you. Knee pads are positively encouraged, if they make the whole thing easier.
Any sex position that guarantees you an orgasm
During my period of dubious ‘research’ for this article I came across a number of positions that guaranteed you’d ‘reach your peak every single time’. Like an overenthusiastic mother introducing me to a ‘lovely young man’, a large proportion of sexperts seem desperate to hook you up with The One – the position you’ve been dreaming of all your life, and the only perfect way to make sure you have an orgasm every time.
As a consequence of their excited overpromising, no sooner have you bent your legs into the right shape than your brain is screaming, ‘This isn’t WORKING. Where is my INSTANT GRATIFICATION.’ After a few moments of this, you’ll be grinding with a grumpy and determined look on your face, focusing so hard on getting results that your partner worries there’ll be a post-coital results meeting.
Number of times attempted: about 100, very rarely with any luck.
Better alternative: engage in a bout of rigorous mutual masturbation with your partner, paying close attention to exactly what they like, how they like it, and when. Try to recreate these sensations with your own genitals. If all else fails, fall back on the old favourites – missionary, doggy, or anything that doesn’t require an instruction manual and a back-belt in yoga.
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Picture: Lukasz Wierzbowski
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