We Tried Using Song Lyrics For Sexting, So You Don’t Have To
The Debrief: All those pages you tore out of Smash Hits are finally going to come in, er, handy
Like so many things in life (essays, life plans, packets of basmati rice), the hardest part of sexting is getting started. Or rather, the part where nothing is hard at all yet. It was all so much easier back in the day, when you just left your most lascivious calling card with their butler and waited for a telegram back.
So maybe that’s why ‘song lyrics to use for sexting’ is such a massive Google search term? No really, it is. People are going all Burt Bacharach on their WhatsApp wankbank. Could 'I am the eggman' turn out to be perfect code for your knicker-specific desires? Can you invite them to do the Uptown Funk?
Probs not, to be honest. But in the noble name of awkward horny people everywhere, I had a bash anyway! My bewildered boyfriend Mr Sext was on the receiving end (some names have been changed). Here’s how it went.
1. Need You Now – Lady Antebellum
Esteemed Debrief columnist Girl on the Net, who is as much of an expert on sexting as I am a hapless novice, claims that her favourite ways to start a sexty liaison are to go in pissed, or with something kinky and intriguingly cryptic. So it’s with that advice in mind that I start off my magical, musical mission.
First up, drunk message. I skirt round Drunk In Love because it seems too obvious, plus I can’t risk my sexting partner replying with 'your breastases is my breakfast' and putting me off him AND eggs Benedict for life, and likewise Too Drunk To Fuck because it features diarrhea. And they’re, well, too drunk to fuck.
Instead I plump for Lady Antebellum’s 2010 soft country hit Need You Now. You know, that awful one your mum likes.
'It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now,' go the lyrics. This could fall at the first hurdle. It is not quarter past one at all. It’s a very respectable 7:20pm, which in fairness is when I’m more likely to be both drunk and awake. 'Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door' is valid enough, but 'wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before,' kind of implies they might be wearing a cloak. It’s also far too lyrical for a genuine horny drunk. Don’t blow your cover.
2. Born to Run – Bruce Springsteen
Kinky and cryptic, you said? That’s more like it, Bruce! It’s more or less impossible not to be turned on by this line, what with all its chat about velvet rims, leg-wrapping, strapping and… engines.
The only danger is if you’re expected to keep up the metaphor for the duration of the session, which could be challenging when your only motorcycle knowledge comes from Grease 2. Um, chassis? Throbbing carburetors? 'Rev up your telescopic front fork'? You’re fine, you’ve got this.
3. 2 Become 1 – The Spice Girls
Ask anyone who grew up in the 90s what the absolute rudest songs are, and the Spice Girls’ ode to free spirited, prophylactic-swaddled lovemaking is bound to make the top three.
But try to use it for sexting and you quickly realise it’s only a sexy song in our heads because we were eight at the time, and even the vaguest reference to front bottoms was enough to send us into spasms of embarrassment when it came on Magic FM with your Dad in the car. It’s also super hazy on the details – for a good chunk of my youth I believed sex was something you did on a bridge, wearing a velvet coat. And unless you are actually the ghost of Marc Bolan, you will never be able to use ‘get it on’ in a sext and come out the other side with an orgasm to show for it. Nope.
All that said, the one useful takeout from 2 Become 1 might be: ‘Are you as good as I remember, baby?’, which is nice, safe territory for a trip down erotic memory lane. Replace ‘baby’ with Sporty, Ginger, Scary or Posh as you see fit, obviously.
4. I’m So Excited – The Pointer Sisters
Shake off all thoughts of Friday afternoon chocolate breaks – this disco classic is actually about something decidedly less crunchy, once you read all the breathless lyrics.
Admittedly 'I want to squeeze you' toes a fine line between ‘erotically hands-on’ and ‘affectionate auntie’, while all the ‘tonight’s the night’ stuff quickly turns into what can only be described as comparing schedules, but 'if you move real slow, I’ll let it go' could be a useful direction.
Maybe add ‘[your cock]’ in somewhere, just to be clear.
5. Too Close – Blue
Our sexual tastes may have evolved beyond Anthony, Duncan et al’s ode to disco boners, but it could still make good inspiration for a fantasy role play situation.
When they ask 'What are you thinking about..?', you reply 'We’re in a club, circa 2001. Let’s say I’m wearing a chainmail handkerchief top and you’re in a white vest, and we’re grinding lewdly on the dancefloor. The scent of Charlie Silver mingling with Lynx Africa is intoxicating. You are struggling to conceal an almighty erection. But instead of promptly taking our business to the bins behind Sam’s Chicken, we just… keep on dancing.'
6. Sweat – Inner Circle
We all know this song is as horny as commercial 90s reggae gets, because it’s on Jeremy’s Sex Mix CD in Peep Show.
It deteriorates quickly though. 'I want to make you sweat' = hot, 'sweat till you can’t sweat no more' = hot to the point of chronic dehydration, and 'if you cry out, I'm gonna push it some more' = possibly horrible, clarification needed. Stick with the first line, or wait till there’s an emoji for Dioralyte sachets.
7. Je T’aime… Moi Non Plus – Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin
Several points in its favour, this one: it’s French, so it’s automatically hot. Your GCSE French oral was more arousing than most songs ever written in the English language; that’s just fact. And Serge Gainsbourg’s notorious 60s moanfest is sexy but retro sexy, from a time when the height of eroticism was having a long fringe both on your forehead and in your pants.
But on the downside, unless the object of your lust has more than a basic grasp of French, your exchange is going to be peppered with long pauses while they look stuff up on Google Translate. Plus your phone dictionary won’t like any of the foreign words, and fighting autocorrect is a lot harder with one hand.
It also kicks off with 'I love you,' don’t forget, so probs skip straight to the stuff about being a naked island unless you want a person-shaped hole in your Tinder inbox.
8. Sexual Healing – Marvin Gaye
DID YOU KNOW that this is the actual honest-to-God first line of Sexual Healing? Ok, I didn’t. Suddenly Marvin Gaye’s gedditon classic seems less like a pant-wetting proposition and more like a page from Mary Berry’s unedited memoir.
You won’t have much more joy with the last line, either, which I’ve just discovered via lyricsfreak.com is ‘Please don't procrastinate / It's not good to masturbate.’
Marvin, shhh. You’re ruining it.
In conclusion – song lyrics aren’t as easy to slot seamlessly into your sexts as you or Robbie Williams might think. For one thing, almost every song written since 1947 uses the word ‘baby’, a term it’s incredibly hard to pull off in the sack if you’re British and not screaming literal worst case scenarios over a broken condom. For another, songs rhyme. Unless you’re enacting some kind of Mother Goose bedroom fantasy (working title: ‘Motherfucker Goose’), that’s more likely to be an obstacle to steamy sexting than an aid.
Plus it turns out it’s incredibly hard, when sexting song lyrics, not to type them out the way you’d sing them. 'Set your spirit free' is a ridiculous enough thing to send to the average person without adding, 'it’s the only way to be-e-eee' afterwards, for scansion.
But hey, using individual lines for inspiration could still be a good, cheaty way to ease yourself in – like starting a wedding speech with 'The Oxford English Dictionary defines…'. Just choose wisely. If in doubt, there’s always 'MmmmBop.'
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