The Best Hotels In The UK To Have Sex In
The Debrief: Hotel sex is just better, isn't it? We've got the one for you, whatever your particular perversion
After a three-week trip to China in the cheapest shared hostels with the most alert roommates you can imagine, I swore I’d never take another holiday on which I couldn’t shag. Nighttime rustling isn’t really appropriate when you’re sharing a room with a group of German tourists, and although the price might be right, it’s hard to relax into your trip when you’re so horny you want to grab every tour guide you walk past and shout ‘Where can I go for a wank!?’
As soon as I’d solved the ‘can’t shag at all’ problem, I got a bit spoiled. No longer content with a simple, private room, I want somewhere I can have really special sex, in a room with equipment and surroundings that perfectly matches the mood. So with that in mind, here are some amazing places to stay in the UK if your main purpose for travelling is to Have All The Sex.
For shagging with wild abandon, with no fear of waking the neighbours, your best bet is somewhere nice and remote. The Prince Hall Hotel on Dartmoor has a neighbouring ‘Shepherd’s Hut’ which they explain, with admirable honesty, is built from an old trailer which they ‘found’ on their neighbour’s farm.
It’s like a modern(ish) caravan setup, with running water and a toilet, but far enough away from the main hotel that you can rock it well into the early hours of the morning without anyone complaining. Best of all, the days can be spent wandering through the gorgeous scenery of Dartmoor, and looking for strategically placed rocks and hillocks to fuck behind.
One night costs £115 for two people, but drops to £100 if you stay more than one night. And why wouldn’t you? Dartmoor is bloody miles away. If that’s a bit too much, you can get a similar Shepherd’s Hut in Devon for £75 per night.
Look, if you’re thinking ‘sex in the shower’ then you and I probably aren’t on the same wavelength. But if your first thought was something like splosh, then we’ll probably get along fine. If you want to shag messily, there are plenty of hotels with wet rooms to choose from. At a push, most of the accessible, ground-floor rooms in your average Travelodge or Premier Inn usually come with a fully-tiled bathroom.
But for something a bit special and gorgeous, the Didsbury House Hotel in Manchester looks stunning – specifically the boudoir suite. Room rates depend on the season, and their website is bizarrely lacking in obvious prices, but it looks like you can get the room for around £140 per night if you don’t mind when you go.
Sexy role play
OK, so where you stay here is going to depend on what you want to role-play. Sexy fireman? How about the ‘Beermoth’ – a converted 1950s fire truck containing a double bed, plonked right in the middle of a field. At £55 per night, you’ll probably have a bit of spare cash left over to buy an actual uniform.
For something a bit darker (and I’ll be honest, this is where my own mind wanders), the Malmaison in Oxford will rent you one of its cells. They’re pretty luxurious (and cost £220 for a ‘cell room’) but if prisoner/guard role play is your bag, then you can’t beat staying in a genuine converted prison.
Rugged travelling sex in cramped conditions
A confession: the closest I came to proper sex on my trip to China was on the night train. I know it’s not technically a hotel, but sleeper trains can be amazing places to shag. Not only do you get the extra excitement of trying to do it to the rhythmn of the carriage wobbling, but you also get to snuggle up together in a bed that’s far too small for two. What’s not to love?
If you got hot just thinking about it, you’ll want to book a sleeper train ticket to either Penzance (£175 return for two people) or Edinburgh (£200-odd quid for two people, but that’s only a single journey, so unless you’re planning on moving to Scotland you’ll need to get a return ticket too).
Ess and Emm is a BDSM B&B, a combination of acronyms that, if you garble it well enough, won’t be understandable when you’re whispering about your upcoming trip over the phone in the office.
It’s quite pricey, though, at £300 per night for a couple: top end of the budget but way cheaper than having to buy all that equipment yourself. And definitely avoids you having to explain to your flatmates why there was screaming coming from your bedroom at 3am.
Hot tub sex
I don’t know why, but lots of people like having sex in the bath. To me, it’s one of the most overrated sex acts – slippery, difficult and potentially painful if you end up whacking your coccyx on a tap. Still, it can be made marginally better by the inclusion of a hot tub.
The bad news is that hotels with private hot tubs are usually bloody expensive. But like a bloodhound going after a particularly tasty clue, I’ve hunted down somewhere that looks pretty damn sexy but without the eye-watering price tag. The oddly-titled ‘hot tub safari glamping’ costs £150 per night (not per person) and you get a really quite beautiful safari-style ‘lodge’ tent complete with its own private hot tub. And because it’s in the Welsh countryside you might get the chance to do some of that hot outdoor shagging as well.
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