The Best Bar Toilets To Have Sex In
The Debrief: The best boozer loos to use in lieu of a boudoir
On 31st December, there’s a high chance you’ll find yourself out on the town, drinking enough prosecco to make you pro-sick-o the next day (New Year’s Eve is all too frequently followed by New Year’s Heave), toasting all the things that made 2014 great, bidding good riddance to the stuff that made it grate, and plotting to start revolutions with your resolutions for the future.
And when the clock strikes 12, perhaps you’ll kick off the next 365 days by kissing your boyfriend, or scoring a snog with a beautiful stranger. But what do you do if you’d rather bring in another annus with more of a bang?
You sneak off to the loos, that’s where. Feeling frisky and deliciously risky, you pull your partner into the toilet for your own private rendition of Auld Wang Syne, While the crowd outside clink glasses and count down to midnight, the pair of you are bumping asses with your pants down, mid-coitus. It’s filthy, it’s raw, it’s a cheeky quickie against a cubicle door – and it’s a memorably smutty way to enter 2015.
With that in mind, I asked a bunch of pals to recommend the best bar-based bogs to get down ‘n’ dirty in. These are in London, because that’s where I’m based, but I’d love hear about other UK shitters ideal for shagging in - add your own suggestions and stories in the Comments section.
Oh, and Happy New Year
'The downstairs toilets contain floor-to-ceiling mirrors that are a total mindfuck, but could make for great sex – because you’re infinitely reflected, you’d only need one partner to feel like you were at an orgy,' one friend reveals. It’s a mirrored mirage of a ménage à dix!
This bar belongs to the Drake & Morgan chain, known for whimsical attention to detail in their interior decoration. The spacious ladies’ crappers at The Refinery contain vintage sweet shop weighing scales piled high with boiled candies – they’re practically encouraging you to suck on something while you’re in there… What’s more, tables at The Fable are covered with colourful baskets of seasonal vegetables; if you didn’t have a partner but still fancied a washroom wank, you could always get busy with a phallic courgette.
The Men’s feature urinals shaped like women’s red-lipsticked mouths and walls papered with ancient porn. Go and have sex there. I incistern.
'A male colleague of mine went to see Prince perform at the O2, and afterwards he was invited to an exclusive guestlist-only afterparty at Indigo bar,' says another pal. 'When he went to drain his spuds, he was halted outside by a stern-looking bouncer who informed him he couldn’t take a leak by uttering the immortal sentence, "Sorry mate, you’ll have to use the Ladies’ – Prince is busy boffing two birds in there."'
If the Gents’ at Indigo are a good enough spot for Prince to get his purple pole waxed, they’re good enough for us to get jiggy in too. Never mind 1999; we’re seeing in 2015 bent over in a lavatory in the O2.
You have to climb through a wardrobe, Narnia style, to reach the Ca-loos at Calooh Callay, where the walls are completely covered in retro cassettes.
Go and bring new meaning to the term ‘sex tape’.
This titchy underground bar actually used to be a men’s public toilet. Now, it sports lavvies with transparent doors, which magically frost over to become semi-opaque when you lock them. Just don’t get rodgered against them too hard; it severely limits a woman’s ability to orgasm if she has to scramble across a zillion sharp fragments of broken glass, a la John McClane in Die Hard. Yippee ki yay, motherfucker.
Get your other half to – ahem - take you up The Shard, and enjoy some dong at Gong. It’s the highest bar in the building, situated on Level 52 (thankfully, you don’t have to battle 51 digital baddies in order to reach it). Posh loos + breath-taking views = cue some awesome ah-ah-ah–oooohhhhs.
Although beware: 'My girlfriend and I got caught going at it like rabbits in the toilets at the top of The Shard by two very plummy-voiced old ladies who gave us a right dressing down,' winces one storyteller. 'I don’t think the vision of my hairy arse clenching as I hammered my lass from behind was exactly the sight they came to see.'
'There’s a fantastic violet velvet sofa in the downstairs Ladies at this pub,' enthuses another pal. 'I was at a comedy night, but I ended up doing things in there that were more related to "kneel down" than "stand up."
Upstairs at The Angelic, the place is themed around the concept of ‘Heaven’; descending into the basement to visit the boglins, however, and you enter ‘Hell’, where the cubicles are decked out like dungeons. Perfect WCs for couples into S&M. Perhaps you could indulge in a bit of (toilet) role play? The pub play recordings of Blackadder over the bathroom speakers to mask the sound of tinkles and trumps, mind, so you may find it distracting to suddenly become aware of the voice of Baldrick while you’re cupping your boy’s balls.
Honourable mention also goes to the friend who told me she’d had sex in the cafeteria bogs at Longleat Safari Park, Wiltshire, admitting 'they weren’t the best decorated conveniences in the world, but I was oddly turned on by the fact that I could hear (semi) wild beasts braying and hooting outside,' and the gal who revealed she’d had her 'first orgasm with another person while laying on the damp floor of the disabled toilets at Leicester University Students’ Union.'
One gent also shared that he’d gotten laid in the loos at MacDonald’s in Redhill, Surrey. 'I was in a long-distance relationship, we’d just met at the train station and were gagging for a shag,' he explained. 'Just like a regular visit to Maccy D’s, the feeling of instant satisfaction was followed by sensations of shame, naughtiness and regret. But overall, I was glad I got a go on her golden arches.'
Now wash yours hands.
Liked this? You Might Also Be Interested In:
Picture: Eylul Aslan
At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating