Spotify Adverts. Rogue Christmas Songs. And How To Avoid Other Classic Sex Playlist Fails
The Debrief: Because nothing kills a potential shag quicker
Look, we've all been there. Things are heating up, you're getting down, John Lennon is playing softly in the background, providing enough sound to mask the squeaks of your bedsprings so you don't feel pressure to provide a porn-like backing track on your own. It's quite sexy actually, almost like John himself is in the room with you, you're almost there, and then... BOOM. Yoko'd. She is screaming and wailing and everyone is confused. He's worried those sounds are coming from you and stops abruptly to check if you're okay. You run to the laptop, knickers around one thigh, but it's too late. This is happening. By the time you've put things back to I Dig A Pony, no one's into it anymore, not even Yoko.
Music can aid a sexual situation as much as it can hinder it. Here's how to do it right, and some common pratfalls to avoid. Good luck my friends, it's a Neon Jungle out there.
Going Hand Solo
If you happen to be in my flat (please call first before coming round, The Internet) and hear Robyn's Body Talk album playing in its full recorded run order, know that someone in the house is masturbating. It is the ideal album for this: loud and synthy without being too disruptive, vaguely sexy, hyper-empowering, and just loud enough to hide the tell-tale bzz bzz without having to pretend you've taken up DIY. When treating yourself to a Ladies' Night In, consider anything with a powerful yet soft vibe (much like your actual vibe): Bonobo is good, so is Animal Collective. Much like you on your CV, these tunes work well in a team setting but can also work independently when necessary.
Music can be a tool. Use it
The right musical transition at the right time can be the difference between "Right, better be off..." and "Right, better get this bra off." It's important to transition from ambient tunes to smoochin' jams to Let's Get It On (not literally, that song should never, ever be applied in a sexy setting). In terms of how to put on some music, there is no cool way to do it, so I suggest ignoring completely that it's happening. What are you going to say, "How about a little music?" Gross. You are not a divorcee in the 70s slipping into "something more comfortable." Just put it on and keep the music somewhat ambiguous. Broken Social Scene or the Postal Service or just about any slow-ish indie music from Canada in the early 2000s will work just fine.
Spotify adverts. Books on tape. Christmas music you forgot to uncheck from your playlists. Basically it's a total amateur move to leave your iTunes on random, because it WILL live up to the name of that function, pouring out cheesy oldies and syrup-y pop hits that will deflate his boner faster than the memory of Mrs. Watson from P.E. Which is why it's important to...
Always come (heheh) Prepared
Consider classics like the Isley Brothers, R. Kelly, The Weeknd, and maybe some D'Angelo for a bit of a laugh. How to Dress Well is a tried and true fav and I feel like Beyonce would be mad if you didn't do it to Drunk in Love? Prince will also help you say hello to a sexy bedroom evening and Tom Waits' gruff voice will help you get some rough lovin', should you so desire. I recommend a few separate playlists: Drunk'N'Silly, Love Makin' Jams, and Playing Rough. After all, it's hard to look softly into someone's eyes and really mean each thrust while LMFAO is playing.
Bragging to your flatmates... through song
Develop a soundtrack system so they know exactly how hard to high five you the next day... or whether you'll need an extra strong drink when you kick him out at 3am. Sean Paul's Get Busy signifies a basic, solid bang. Nothing to write home about but you ain't mad. Khia's Lick It suggests things have gone slightly better, while Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger is also a sign of a good night in. Play some Nine Inch Nails to really drive the point home. On the other hand, The Rolling Stones You Can't Always Get What You Want sounds like a slow-groove sex jam, but your flatmates will know what you really mean. See also: Lana Del Rey's Summertime Sadness. Play Madonna's Four minutes and they'll know to get that drink ready on the quick.
Follow Monica on Twitter @monicaheisey
At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating