Sex Moves For When You're Feeling Tired And Lazy
The Debrief: The full lazy bastard - sex tricks for when you simply cannot be arsed...
Illustration by Grace Miceli
This time last year, I wrote about some of the sex moves that you can indulge in when you've... umm... overindulged. You know what I mean: you're far too full from Christmas dinner to even contemplate putting the effort in, but you want an orgasm nonetheless. Like having your cake, eating it, then demanding to be wanked off afterwards.
Well, this year I'm doing similar, except instead of food-overload we're going the full Lazy Bastard: sex tricks for when you simply can't be arsed, for whatever reason.
Naturally lazy sex often looks to one partner like the other is borderline dead, so this all comes with the rather obvious warning to ensure you've got full and enthusiastic consent, and make sure that you're never so lazy that you forget to give your partner all those sexy cues so they know their advances are welcome. Even if that consent comes in the form of a drawled 'you do the work, mate, I am far too knackered.'
Got that? Cool. The following are all things I have tried, tested, and annoyed my partners with on a pretty regular basis. I am not sorry.
Phone sex/skype sex/sexting
If you're in a long distance relationship, you will probably know full well how things like Skype and facetime can be used to do the dirty. If you're in a relationship where you see the other one's face every morning and evening then the idea of using your phone to sex them up might seem a bit odd. For the lazy shag, though, phones can be everything.
'It just feels a bit naughty!' or 'It reminds me of porn!' - there are plenty of excuses that can be used to send your partner off into another room so you can give each other the equivalent of a cam show. I have done this before, not necessarily out of laziness, but because I truly love the idea of watching my partner wank when he thinks (or can realistically pretend) that he's on his own. It means he can truly let go, and I get to see his own cam show in all its grunting, sexy, almost-private glory.
This is just a euphemistic way of saying 'get them to wank you off.'
I should stop it there but I won't – nowadays we're lucky enough to have sex toys that are so goddamn good you can use them without even straining to move a muscle. Wand massagers which you can place on the bed, lie on top of, and let work their magic. Masturbators that gently cup the penis, then vibrate or squeeze it to climax. It's a wonderful world.
Their main benefit is that they're fantastic for people who have limited mobility or dexterity, or for those who may struggle to get their partner off with their hands. The added bonus for lazy people, of course, is that if you want to take the 'job' out of 'hand job', they're your very best friends in the world.
Oh hey massive warning coming up: in order to have sex you need to establish consent. This does not involve jumping on anyone who is asleep, drunk, or for some other reason unable to give you a happy 'yes please.'
You can, however, pretend – as long as both of you are into that. Sometimes, late at night when I'm knackered, I whisper 'pretend I'm asleep' – that way I get to lie on my stomach groaning happy noises into the pillow while my other half puts in all the work. I find it deeply erotic. What's more, like all sex things, if you call it role-play you can get away with being a very lazy fucker indeed.
Get someone else to take over
Have you heard of 3inder? It's a threesome app - like Tinder, but for couples (and potential plus ones) who want to invite more than two to Tango. There's another app called Pure which does similar things, only with a much heavier emphasis on privacy.
I'll level with you: these may well suck for you if you're not in London or another big city. Like with Tinder, you're only going to have a great selection of potential extras if you have a large pool to draw from. If you have that pool, though, then they're a great tool for the lazy sexer. While 'threesome' sounds quite involved, and certainly requires a hell of a lot of communication and a fair degree of effort, 'pop round my house and suck off my boyfriend while I watch' involves far less physical activity on your part.
I wouldn't recommend this to you if I hadn't tried it myself, although back in the day we had no 3inder, only Craigslist. When we'd finished a hard day at the mines, we had to log on to the actual internet on a genuine computer and type a long-form message to get men to come and join us. Kids these days have it easy. Worth it, though: on the few occasions I've sought an extra purely for the purpose of getting my other half off, the people I have met have been polite, sexy, and incredibly generous in their skills.
Not for everyone, and of course you need to play by the safe rules: meet them in public first and always use protection. You're also far more likely to meet men than women. Such is the society we live in.
I'm going to add an addendum to this that I don't normally add to sex articles. I write numerous sex tips and stories, and over the course of a week I probably spend roughly a full day trying to come up with interesting new things people can do with their genitals, or just put a new twist on things I do with mine. But underneath there's always a nagging question: are these tips this enough? These lazy shag suggestions – will they fulfil you romantically and erotically and give you the sex life you've always dreamed of? No. They won't. They need to be used in combination with other sex tips and tricks – those you've heard from other people and those you make up yourself. You need to play jazz, give and take, explore and experiment with all the things you and your partner(s) enjoy. Have fun, mix it up, and share and share alike.
What I'm saying, I guess, is that if you've had a fair few lazy shags in a row, you might want to get off your arse next time.
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