Girl On The Net | Contributing Writer | Thursday, 12 November 2015

Sex Mistakes Women Make In Bed (According To Reddit)

Sex Mistakes Women Make In Bed (According To Reddit)

The Debrief: Sex is like making dinner for someone: you can spend ages perfecting your technique, but it'll all go to shit if the next person you cook for hates lasagne...

We’re all crap in bed. It’s not the end of the world; grab a glass of wine and join me to commiserate our mutual uselessness. Sex is not this magic skill, like swordfighting, where you spend 10,000 hours doing it and become a master. Sex is more like making dinner for someone: you can spend ages perfecting your technique, but it’ll all go to shit if the next person you cook for hates lasagne. 

Yesterday Reddit tackled one of the great questions, discussing the most common mistakes that women make in bed from men’s point of view. Let’s take a look at some, and explore why making these mistakes in bed doesn’t make you a bad person...

Dry handjobs with a tight death grip

The Reddit community defaults to Americans as the human gold standard, and plenty of American guys are circumcised at birth, so I’m guessing that’s why no-lube handjobs is fairly high on their ‘never do this’ list.

It’s not true of everyone, though. When I was younger my first boyfriend told me that what made a great wank was the movement of the foreskin over the head of the cock: a dry hand and a firm grip were pretty vital. I was a keen student – I all but took notes – then I wandered out into the world of Other People’s Dicks and slammed palm-first into someone with no foreskin at all. 

It’s easy to make this mistake, because handjobs by their nature are one of the things that each individual will have perfected (perhaps for the requisite 10,000 hours) on their own. If you don’t instantly do it perfectly it’s not the end of the world – all you need to do is ask them for the manual. 

Dead fish

By which they simply mean ‘lying there not doing much’. Fun story: I was once having pretty enjoyable sex with an ex-boyfriend, during which I was screwing my eyes tight shut to try and concentrate on coming. He stopped the action just before I made it to the finals, stared down at me like Simon Cowell about to deny me my boot camp, and said: ‘You know, you CAN join in!’

I KNOW. 

We all know we can join in. Hump vigorously, moan, rub, grip your legs round his back and pull him in tighter, etc. We know that lying around like a dead fish, staring at the ceiling and thinking of England, is no longer necessary outside the boundaries of very specific role play. Problem is, sometimes I really need to concentrate.

Occasionally, it’s hard for me to orgasm if I’m trying to match his rhythm – it’s like patting my head and rubbing my fanny at the same time. At other times, I’ll stay still because I feel like I’m going to mess up his rhythm and I sense he’s close to the edge. 

It’s a tough call, as demonstrated by this next ‘mistake’...

Going against the rhythm

Sometimes shagging back with the same rhythm as the other person is hard, OK? I’m not a professional percussionist. The fact that the discussion on this thread devolved into talk of 3/4 versus 4/4 timing proves that people take this stuff very seriously.

I agree that it’s a good tip, but I object to it being presented as something that I’d mess up just for fun. 

Likewise with the next one: 

Being squeamish about your own body

I’d love to put on my stern teacher voice here and tell you that you should love yourself for who you are, and all of that mood-boosting bollocks. Unfortunately, we live in a world which tells us – no, screeches at us from the rooftops every single miserable day – that our bodies are bad and wrong and broken and less than perfect.

I know I shouldn’t, but I still frequently contort myself into weird shapes beneath the bedsheets to try and hide my gronky bits. 

I’m delighted that the gents of Reddit are happy to love our bodies, and I’d love if we all could love our bodies a bit more. This tip is one worth taking on board, but with the caveat that it might take time. Give us a few more years to smash the patriarchy and we’ll be right with you. 

Neglecting the balls

Fair play on this one – I neglect the balls. But this is often because I don’t have the faintest idea what to do with them. Some guys love having their balls touched, but the ones who do will rarely be forthcoming about exactly how they like it. Just once I would like a guy to whisper sexily in my ear: ‘Squeeze me with a pressure of exactly .75 Pascals.’ 

In the past I have managed to elicit the following three reactions from exactly the same ball-manoeuvres: 

‘Oh God, yes.’

‘Not even close.’

‘Ow Jesus, get off me.’

So thanks for the tip, Reddit, I will take it on board. But I will also mess it up because I am human and fallible. 

Not initiating sex

Many of the gents of Reddit are sad that women don’t initiate sex more often. This is a shame, and I’m with them. I would like to live in a world where people who fancied sex could simply ask for it (via a gentle touch, a raised eyebrow, a complicated system of semaphore – whatever floats your boat) and our sex drives would all magically match with the people we fancied, and fun sex would be had by all. 

Sadly, there are a million and one things that might get in the way of this. The worry that you’ll appear too ‘forward’, the feeling that you might be up for it but you’re not sure and you don’t want to (as one guy put it to me once) ‘start the engines if you’ve nowhere to go.’

Perhaps you’re nervous because he’s previously told you that you act like a ‘dead fish’ or that you keep messing up his rhythm. Perhaps you’re a woman in a society that tells you you’re weird if you make the first move. 

Point is, this thread gave me an insight into some of the things I do in bed that may piss guys off, but more importantly it cemented in my mind that the best sex move is this one:

Communicate

I’m guessing this is the most upvoted ‘tip’ on the thread simply because it can solve all of the problems above. A simple ‘could you do it like this?’ will let your partner know what you’re after, and prevent you from having to test out all the different hand job techniques you’ve ever heard before you magically hit on the right one. 

Communication makes for better sex, but so does failure. As I said at the beginning, we’re all crap in bed sometimes, and that’s nothing to worry about: you can’t expect to cook a perfect lasagne for Peter and find out Paul has different preferences. He might like his sauce more tomatoey or his cheese crispier on top.

When it comes to sex, failure is good, because it gives you the chance to try again, and become an expert in the exact techniques that make both of you lick your lips. 

Like this? You may also be interested in:

How To Have A Romantic Weekend With Someone Who’s Already Dumped You

Why Foreskin Freaks Me Out

The Realities Of Having Sex When You Have IBS

Follow Girl On The Net on Twitter: @girlonthenet

Tags: Sex