Quiet Vibrators For When You're Visiting Your Parents At Christmas
The Debrief: Like Santa's filthiest elf, I've gone on the hunt for some toys that will do the job, even when there's just a paper-thin wall between you, and several members of your immediate and extended family
You're heading home for Christmas and naturally you want something with which to entertain yourself between mince pies. Problem: if you're sleeping in a room next to your parents or siblings, you may not be able to fire up whatever hefty sex toy you'd use in the comfort of your own home, with housemates who may be more understanding of your wanking habits. I feel you. Metaphorically, of course.
Solution? Like Santa's filthiest elf, I've gone on the hunt for some toys that will do the job, and come up with five awesome quiet vibrators that you can use without waking the 'rents. The rules I set myself in this particular challenge were that the toys had to be ones I either own and would use at my Mum's house, or which come recommended for 'quietness.' They must also cost less than £30. After all, if it's just for travel you don't want to splash out a fortune.
Rocks off bullet vibrator
There are quite a few bullets in the Rocks Off range, many of them sold as 'quiet' or 'super-quiet.' I'm going to level with you here: nothing that vibrates, in my opinion, can be called 'super-quiet' because vibrations make noise. However, I have a pretty awesome RO-160 which is quiet enough that you cannot hear it through an average wall. I know this because I got my other half to stand one side of a partition wall and shout to me if he heard the vibe turning on. As long as your family aren't bats, this should work wonders. If the RO-160 looks too pricey or too big, in the same range there are smaller ones (such as the RO-80) which are even dinkier.
Sh curved G-spot vibrator
Some of us just need that extra edge – clit stim is lovely but if you prefer a bit of G-spot stimulation then this will be right up your... no, I'm not going to go there. Anyway, this curved g-spot vibe from Sh is a total bargain. Not only is it whisper quiet, it also has 10 different settings so you can pick the pulse pattern you prefer (try saying that after three sherrys), or do what I do and set it to 'just get me there quickly so I can return to the festive fun.'
Lovehoney dream bullet
This is basically Lovehoney's version of the Rocks Off, and similar bullet-type vibes. It comes with the standard range of settings – pulses as well as different constant speeds – and it's easy to clean, battery-powered, and neatly travel-sized. What's more it's incredibly cheap, because I wanted to include one thing on this list that came in at least under a tenner – Christmas is expensive, after all, and there's only so much you can spend on yourself before you have to shell out on scented bath salts for Nan and a massive bottle of Baileys for your Mum to down when no one's watching.
Bondara Silicone rechargeable rabbit
This has been in my sex toy drawer for a pretty long time, and I think it hits all the key things I want in a travel vibrator. My staple toy (the Doxy massager, in case you're wondering) is both huge and fairly loud. There's a reason it's the staple though and that is because my clit loves it like my mother loves gin, and you'd have to pry it out of my cold, dead fingers if you want me to make a permanent switch to something else. However, when I need something a bit gentler, quieter, or more suitable for travel, then rabbit vibes are my jam. This Bondara silicone rabbit gives internal stimulation as well as clit-stim, a smooth silicone body that's easy to wipe clean, and a buzz quiet enough that if anyone overhears it they'll just think they've got tinnitus from turning the Queen's Speech up too loud.
Price: £27.99 Slightly more expensive than the others, but it's rechargeable so no battery costs.
Quiet wand toys
I've mentioned the Doxy, so what I'd love to do here is give a recommendation for a quiet wand toy that you can use at your parents' house over Christmas. Sadly I've yet to find any that could technically be classed as 'quiet', so if you want one you'll have to buy a powerful pair of speakers and download some obnoxious Christmas Wassail music to help drown out the noise. Doxy does have a new toy out – the Die Cast – which is significantly quieter than their original. It's still going to be obvious that you're cracking one off though, and at £149.99 it's one of those 'special treat' presents rather than a cheap and cheerful one.
However, I am not one to give up easily, and I may have found a solution – if it's the rumbly vibrations of a wand toy you're after, Lovehoney does a mini wand toy for just under thirty quid which should sort you out. It's rechargeable too, so again no batteries.
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