Practical Pervertables: Kink Up Your Sex Life With These Easy-To-Find Household Items
The Debrief: Featuring shoe horns, ribbons and erm... car booster seats
Photographed by Lauren Hillebrandt
I love sex shops. They’re not, as the old joke goes, shops where you can buy a bit of how’s your father (but I dare you to head to Harmony and demand ‘ONE SEX PLEASE!’ at the counter. Never not funny.) But they are full of exciting, life enhancing bits of kit that can open your eyes- and more. Sometimes you never know you want a bit of brightly coloured galvanised rubber up your anus until you see it on the shelf at £39.99.
Which brings me to my next point. Sex shopping gets expensive. It should be expensive. If something is going in or around your bae area, you want it to be safe, hygenic and well made. You pay for quality control. But at the same time, how can one justify spending tends or hundreds of pounds on sex toys when one has successfully evaded paying for socks since 2006 by stealing them from one’s ex boyfriends? (OK, me. One is me.) And you might see the vibrating studded harness of your dreams and think, ‘This could be a sexual game changer. But at £299.99, I’m not entirely sure that I can budget for a sexual game changed.’ (To be fair, it’s worth mentioning that lovehoney.co.uk and various other retailers have an excellent returns policy and will let you send something back if you tried it once and didn’t like it, no questions asked.)
If you’re interested in entry level kink and you’re getting paid an entry level salary, there is a way to work out what you like. Plenty of every day, household items can be converted – or perverted – for sexy purposes. Here’s how.
Buttons and bows
The wide satin ribbon that came off the posh Molton Brown bubble bath set you got given two Christmasses ago, and hung onto in case you fancied some non specific ‘crafting’? It’s a sex toy. The spare braiding that you’ve had for a decade after you finished your GCSE textiles cushion? Ditto. Once you’ve opened your mind to the possibilities of fabric, within seconds you’ll be Googling ‘local haberdasher’s’ with your hand down your pants. Hannah, who’s 26 and works in sales reveals, ‘Aesthetically I’m not into the stuff that’s sold specifically for kink, and felt a bit weird about bringing it into the bedroom, because I was scared my boyfriend would be overwhelmed by a leather eyemask or handcuffs. But my dressmaker friend said she’d just started seeing someone who tied her up with ribbon and it was really hot, so I left some tied to the bedpost and went from there! It looks great and non pervy when you leave it tied to your bedpost, too, and it never costs more than £1 per metre.’ Check out these beginner’s bondage tips, and make sure that no-one will have an accident and need to be freed by a housemate wielding nail scissors.
If it looks like a butt plug…
Remember how we met Caitlin Moran’s ingenious heroine Johanna Morrigan? If you need a refresher, she was masturbating silently and furiously with a shoplifted bottle of Mum deodorant. Closer to home, Helen in Year 9 was outed at a sleepover as masturbating with a recorder. (Treble, not descant! I know.) She was betrayed by Gina, who was especially mean about it, given it was widely known by Year 11 that she masturbated with her hamster.
Anyway, whenever you’ve seen an object and thought ‘HAR! That looks vaguely phallic!’ at least a hundred people within a 20-mile radius are probably wanking with it right now. Various internet message boards recommend slim candles as starter buttplugs/dildos. Vegetables are also very popular, as they are easy to store and then dispose of and they won’t clog up any landfills.
However, whenever you put anything inside yourself…
What goes up must come down…
You don’t need me to tell you this, but makeshift dildos are not created equal. Your fanny is not a promotional tote to be stuffed with everything you find in your desk drawers, until the seams bust. No sharp edges, watch out for weird textures, cover them with condoms and use lube liberally. And for legal reasons I must tell you to Google and check your allergies, check them again and keep the NHS Direct number handy at all times.
Brand spanking new uses
Admittedly if you’re into spanking, you and your partner are born with perfectly good accessories on the end of your arm – but you can experiment with length and texture by using stuff you find around the house. Basically, do paddle in the spank waters and see what you’re into before you buy an actual paddle.
A couple of years ago I got a posh wooden shoehorn in my Christmas stocking. ‘What the hell does Santa think I want with a shoe horn?’ I grumbled, before…well, there’s a joke here about being naughty or nice, but let’s not cheapen ourselves. Our old friend, the ribbon makes a lovely whip, and the belt is a kink classic. Stationery fiends may love an excuse to buy a load of new rulers from Paperchase, but remember that a long, narrow surface is going to hurt harder than a wider one. Spanking, like Barry White’s Springfield Square is safe and sexy as long as you listen to each other and focus on the fleshy bits. Read this before you get started.
I’m nervous about labelling this as ‘advanced’, when many people reading it might think, ‘Chuh, you amateur! I can’t even be bothered to take the 27 dildos out of my arse in order to come over and tell you how little you know.’ But for anyone who’s curious about kink, but is yet to explore anything raunchier than leaving their boots on, here we are. Why not use a car booster seat as a flip ramp for some serious G-spot stimulation? Basic washing pegs make great nipple clamps (the wooden ones are nice and gentle, the practical plastic ones are pretty intense). If you want a collar or a set of ankle cuffs, try the pet shop. The most important thing is to try what you’re curious about, keep doing it when it feels good and discuss everything with your partner before you get started. A car seat and a dog collar can make for a great night in, but they don’t really say ‘sexy surprise’.
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Photographed by Lauren Hillebrandt
At work? With your gran?
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