Gareth May | Contributing Writer | Friday, 24 April 2015

Up Periscope: Scoping Porn Tips

Periscope Porn Has Inevitably Arrived. But Is It Any Good?

The Debrief: It's even spawned a spoof app in Peniscope...

Last night I spent three hours on Periscope. Here’s what I saw: Some dude cooking pork chops; Joshua Malina banging on about Scandal (with spoilers); The Darkness playing live in London; someone tying a shoelace on the streets of Vancouver; a girl stroking a sleeping budgie; some chick showing off a bikini with nipples drawn on it; another bloke talking about getting his dick bit during a blowjob; former porn star Brett Rossi ordering pasta; a few chaps wanking in the dark…

Yes. That’s right. It was always on the cards. Periscope has become a playground for the pervs (and this despite the fact that ‘pornographic or overtly sexual content’ is against its Community Guidelines – you rule breakers you). It’s even spawned a spoof app in Peniscope

But how do you make good Periscope porn? Here's a beginner's guide... 

Turn on the lights!

One of the first users I came across last night was a gentleman called Deniz. I couldn’t make out what Deniz was doing, however, as he was completely shrouded in darkness. All that could be heard was the tell-tell fap, fap sound of a man eagerly knocking one out.

Now, I love an audiobook as much as the next thirtysomething (The Monogram Murders are a real treat – thanks for the tip Mum) and as much as I’m sure there are some people out there who get off to the squidgy, squashy sounds of porn, I am not one of them. If you’re going to get your dick out, at least let us see it. 

What's in a name?

She was clearly bored. Sat in her car, outside of a church, waiting to go in for choir practice. An innocuous scoping session if ever there was one. She could’ve cracked out Hark the Herald and it wouldn’t have been any more harmless – so why did the comments look like this?

User1: Show us your tits…

User2: tits plz

User3: are you evangelical?

User4: seriously, where are the tits?

If you’re going to talk about choir I’d suggest another name besides ‘Bacon Tits.’ Bacon. Tits. Exactly what cut of meat is that?

Give your users what they want (within reason)

They say a camel is a horse by committee. If that’s the case, then Periscope porn is in for a humpy ride (see what I did there?). Porn by committee however is nothing new. Pretty much all porn has some kind of planning process behind it – yes, even gonzo porn has some tricky decisions to make (Pop shot on the sofa? Pop shot on the bed?).

If you’ve ever watched a cam girl show or been on Chaturbate for that matter than you’ll know that cammers are pretty darn good at multitasking; wiggling and jiggling all their fruity bits and bobs whilst they read off their viewers comments. It’s a skill, there’s no doubting that and one which you’ll have to nail (pun intended) if you want to get the most out of your Periscope ‘shows.’

Interact with you audience. Tease them. Ask them what they want. Show them a little bit of it and then tease them some more. It’s fair to say that there’s always going to be some ninny baying for something a little off-colour. One stream I was watching with two women on their break in a hair salon in LA was repeatedly interrupted with one guy asking: ‘Does your buttholes smell?’ A fascinating cross-examination in that guy’s mind, I’m sure. For the rest of us, it was rather tedious and pretty creepy. Don’t be afraid to block.

Use the hearts to your advantage

As with any new app, gamefication plays a big part in Periscope’s appeal.  Sending ‘hearts’ to the broadcaster by tapping on the screen is perhaps one of the most thrilling things one can presently do with their index finger. Tap the screen a tonne of times and you literally show your love. It’s Periscope’s ‘Likes’ and ‘Favourites’.

Utilize the hearts! ‘Who wants to see my left buttock? I’ll show you when I hit 20 hearts…’ ‘Give me 200 hearts and I’ll make this aubergine disappear.’ ‘1000 hearts and I’ll do something weird with this camel…’ You get the idea. 

Be original

Let’s be honest, livestreaming porn is a bit passé. Cam sites have been about for years and as any one who visited Chatroulette more than twice can testify there are only so many pot-bellied men you can watch massaging their dongs before you’re put off cocktail sausages for life. Change it up.

The best piece of sex-themed broadcasting I’ve seen on Periscope was by Seattle-based pro-domme Mistress Matisse. She was scoping the contents of her dungeon’s cabinet of ‘instruments’ and the level of interaction was certainly something no other video app has offered thus far… 'Would you like this shoved down your penis?' she asked before explaining the merits of urethral sounding – the insertion of metal probes called ‘sounds’ down into the male urethra. 

In typical porn this might have been a tad too much – watching and listening (and probably wailing in unison) as some poor blokes peehole is stretched beyond all recognition – but through the prism of Periscope with no peehole in sight, it was rather educational and, with Mistress out of ‘character’, she gave a wonderful insight into the methods, the means and the relationship between man and mistress by simply staring down the camera and talking. 

Porn is ubiquitous. We all know that. It’s also pretty boring. Let’s do something different with our time. More of this, please.

Liked this? You might also be interested in: 

Why The Rise Of GIF Porn Actually Makes Perfect Sense 

Five Porn Star Memoirs You Need To Read 

I Was Porn Shamed 

Picture: Francesca Allen  

Tags: Sex, NSFW, Sex O\'Clock, Sex And Tech