Is Kegel Weight Training The New Spinning Class?
The Debrief: How to kill it with kegels and get the vagina that will impress your friends and intimidate your enemies
‘But I can barely manage to exercise the rest of my body! When the hell do you think I have time to do my foof?’ is what I used to mutter to myself any time anyone mentioned pelvic floors. Like having an ISA, getting my fillings sorted and understanding how the stock market worked, kegels were something I was vaguely planning on getting around to in the next 10 or 15 years. Something for mums, wise aunties and those brilliant, terrifying women that you see on trains in Hobbs skirts suits, reading the FT.
Then I started following Kim Anami on Instagram.
Kim is a super hot holistic sexual-health guru who regularly posts gorgeous pictures of herself that showcase her muscle tone – inside and outside. She’s a vaginal weight-lifting expert and even has her own explanatory hashtag – #thingsIliftwithmyvagina. My favourite picture of Kim features the practitioner standing by the Berlin wall, with a piece of wall dangling between her legs. (She suspends the weight from a jade egg, so her interior muscles can get a purchase on something.) Kim wants every woman in the world to get Kegel-ing, and eventually, weight lifting. She reckons it will make us all stronger, more powerful, more confident – and more orgasmic.
I suspect that a full fanny workout is the ultimate act of self love. I go to the gym for all sorts of reasons. It clears my head, helps me to sleep better and makes me strong - but I can’t deny that I’m delighted if anyone notices that I’ve been working out. Developing a muscle that no one else can see sounds empowering to me. Especially if it will make me into a strong, confident orgasm machine.
The kind people at Je Joue sent me their Ami beginners Kegel set to try. It includes three weights, and I started with the lightest, beginners one – a ball weighing 47g and measuring five inches in diameter. (To put this into perspective, champion weightlifter Tatyana Kozhevnikova set the vaginal weight record by lifting just over 14 kilos in 2009. I’m starting with something only slightly heavier than a bar of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk.) The ball shape is a bit daunting, but you use a little water based lube to ease it in and you’re off!
To me, it felt sort of sexy, and sort of Ripley-in-Alien - I had something new and non human inside me and I wasn’t entirely sure that it wasn’t going to rise up, burst from my chest and commandeer my space ship. But eventually the former feeling took over, and I couldn’t stop squeezing the ball. I met a friend for a drink, and instead of feeling grumpy about the crowds, the noise and the slow barman, I was distracted by my secret. Every interaction was underpinned with me smugly thinking ‘you’d never guess what’s in my knickers! I’m giving myself a full vulvic workout and you have no idea!’ (Obviously I told my mate immediately.)
I stuck with the smallest weight, using it every 3-4 days over a couple of weeks. I almost tried it at the gym so I could double down on my workout, but then I remembered that my gym is full of swaggering, grunting men and realised that the combination would make me feel very self conscious. But I felt more aware of my whole body from the inside out. I felt sexual, not just sexy. I asked my boyfriend whether he noticed the difference (‘Um, it was… very nice! I could feel you… squeezing?’) but I didn’t really care, because I was coming harder and faster than The Rock breaking the sound barrier on a diamond speedboat.
Kim says that if you take care of your vagina, it will take care of you. 'Because women aren’t exercising their vaginas, all these other really catastrophic events are taking place, such as uterine removal,' says Anami. 'Things that are life changing and dramatic, when all you need to do is exercise your vagina a little bit,' she told the Sunday Times. According to Kim, you’re stopping problems before they start – the muscled vagina is the one that stops people from becoming incontinent, or losing lubrication.
Her words and attitude forced me to reframe my thinking. Kegels aren’t another item on the ‘a woman’s work is never done’ list. Kim reckons just five minutes of squeezing a day (imagine you’re having a wee, and contract those muscles) will do the trick, and you can enhance the muscle tone by using a small weight whenever you fancy. Remember, you can’t ask what your vagina can do for you without also asking what you can do for your vagina. The dentist and the stock exchange can wait. Start squeezing today!
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Picture: Eylul Aslan
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