How To Win At Casual Sex
The Debrief: No cuddles, no sleepovers, no breakfast
Single ladies out there may well have come across my Italian rapscallion friend Angelo on Tinder. He’s one of those guys who doesn’t beat around the bush about the fact that he is only interested in getting into yours. Immediately. His standard first message is, ‘I want to be honest: I’m only interested in casual sex right now, as I’ve just come out of a long term relationship [lies.... he’s been single for pretty much his entire adult career], if you are interested in the same, then I think we should meet up. Because you are beautiful.’ Punchy.
And it works. Last week that line won him two ‘meet-ups’: one girl who he felt could be on board for an ongoing no-strings agreement and one girl who ‘offered to cook me breakfast, which made my penis wilt like an old lettuce and my balls shrink to the size of peanuts’. One girl was clearly winning at casual sex and the other had clearly lost before she had begun.
Full disclosure: casual sex is not for everyone and it’s important to be honest with yourself whether or not it’s for you. If you are using it to make that chiselled Adonis at the office fall in love with you, even though he's made plain he’s not interested in a relationship here’s a heads up: this will not work. Move on and find someone else as interested in your mind as your nipple ring. However, if it’s a straight up exchange of bodily fluids you’re after, then there might just be a right way, and a – how should I put it – more precarious way to go about it.
The modern woman, carrying her flag of sexual liberation, is certainly becoming a better game player in the world of sex-without-emotions. We've all read those articles about how we release the ‘cuddle hormone’ (oxytocin) after sex whilst men produce the ‘WAAHEEY! AGAIN AGAIN!’ hormone (dopamine). In fact we’re so aware of this evolutionary disadvantage that many of us have learnt to treat it as an irritating disability that we've learnt to live with. But the art of winning the game of casual sex comes down to appearing to be the more casual half of the sexual partnership. The more relaxed and easy-going, the jeans to his dicky bow, the flip-flop to his brogue.
And if when he leaves then you find yourself feeling genuinely empowered, rid of sexual frustration and a-glow with post-coital flush? Then you’re a CASUAL SEX WINNER, my friend.
Playful chit-chat before the bedroom is totally allowed. This counts as foreplay. On entering the bedroom, however, all language should be of a purely sexual nature and never move towards a ‘getting to know you’ convo. For example, If he has an interesting tattoo, it’s OK to lick it and tell him he’s your big bad prison inmate who needs his conjugal visit but it's NOT ok to ask how his mother actually felt about him choosing to tattoo her own face on his chest.
Beat him to the punch
This is imperative: you MUST be the first to suggest parting ways. If you are at his, this means sliding off his panting body directly into your skinny jeans immediately post-orgasm. Accidentally falling asleep is your biggest danger here. Or as my fabulous friend Michael once put it, ‘Be careful not to black out with your rack out, babez!’ (Good rule to remember for general life, really). No cuddles, no sleepovers, no breakfasts. Remember, this is a ‘wham, bam, thank-you-kindly-sir but-must-dash’ situation.
If he offers it, do not accept it. Especially if he knows you live on his street and he’s giving you £100 for a taxi. If this occurs, you have accidentally been mistaken for a prostitute. Which is awkward.
At no point during the encounter should you suggest exchanging numbers. There is nothing more tragic than shouting, ‘So are you going to take my number?’ when he’s already at the end of your street. Or just ever. If you fancy seeing him again, casually drop in an anecdote which involves your surname so he can find you on facebook. If your surname is Rejkavifgnoomollfad, or anything equally difficult to spell, accept you won't see him again and move on.
The beauty of casual sex done right is that there doesn't need to be an excuse but it is seen as etiquette even when entirely transparent. Provided both contenders are playing the same ball game, the old faithful ‘I’ve got a really early meeting’ universally understood as ‘I’ve got a 2am appointment with a McChicken Sandwich’ should be delivered and received with a knowing smile. The bed-visitor is then expected to get gone within five minutes.
My favourite exit line has always been, ‘Thank you for having me, Madeleine Darling,’ delivered by an overconfident 21-year-old DJ (I was also 21 at the time, I hasten to add... I’m not preying on uni kids.......YET.) I liked the idea of being thanked. It was old school, polite and sufficiently removed. If you find thanks too formal, follow it with a coquettish wink but whatever happens do NOT go in for the kiss... you’re moments from victory and this will ruin everything. When all is done, congratulate yourself for winning and successfully getting your end away. You run the risk of your partner questioning whether or not he has been used but that’s likely to massively turn them on, anyway....
So actually it might always be a draw.....
Shit. Oh well.
Read more: How To Have Sex
Follow Madeleine on Twitter @MissMadeleineK
Picture: Eylul Aslan
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