Girl On The Net | Contributing Writer | Wednesday, 7 January 2015

How To Turn The Random Exercise Gear You Bought In The Sales Into Sexy Sex Equipment

The Debrief: Wondering what the devil to do with that exercise ball you bought on boxing day in a post-turkey panic? Wonder no more...

Are you one of those people who manages to make new year's resolutions and stick to them? Someone who pops out of the office at lunchtime to jog for half an hour before settling down to a lunch of carrot sticks, a routine you'll continue well into February? Look away now.

Or are you someone who buys a bunch of exercise equipment in the January sales then Freecycles it a week later? This one's for you. In case you haven't guessed, I'm one of the latter people. I tend to make healthy resolutions in January – not really for weight loss purposes, because when I lose weight it goes from my boobs first and I cannot deal with the sadness. I do it mainly because there's an image in my head of a version of me that is slightly more muscular, and able to run for a bus without dying. Sadly these resolutions last about as long as the Christmas decorations: on the 5th of January I look in the mirror, go 'meh, it'll do', and pack away the dumbbells until next year. So if you just spent a hundred quid on fancy home exercise stuff, and you've got a creeping sense of dread that the cash may have been wasted, this list might give you a few ideas to help you get your money's worth.

Doorway pull-up bars

These hold a fair bit of weight - they’re designed to not come crashing to the ground when you perform a set of pull-ups or chin-ups, so you can trust that they’ll hold when you cuff your partner to them in the standing position and perform whatever depravities the pair of you enjoy most. I’d go with flogging followed by excessive erotic teasing with a sex toy of your choice. Then leave them standing, aroused and whimpering, while you pop off to have a post-workout cup of coffee. You have to let them down eventually, but when you do they'll be more than ready to help you burn off your Christmas calories.

Balance balls

These things are spectacular, because they’re bouncy, and any fool knows that bouncy things are essentially synonymous with sex. So if your gran bought you one for Christmas, she's not calling you fat, she's giving you a sex tip. I like to think it's her way of telling you that you don't stop being a dirty fucker just because you’re drawing a pension. If you’re with a dude (or a lady equipped with her own excellent strap-on), get your partner to lie on the ball on their back - balance for this will be tricky, so they’ll need strong thighs and upper arms. You’re basically sharing the workout. Then you can sit astride them and use the motion of the ball to bounce enthusiastically on top. Hey presto - a joint workout that’ll get you exactly as sweaty as you’d get in the gym, but with accompanying orgasms that’d probably be illegal if you had them in Fitness First.

Yoga belts

You think I’m going to recommend bondage, don’t you? Well, these belts - which are designed to help you hold certain yoga poses by giving you a measure of resistance - are certainly good for that. But beyond that, they’re also the perfect material for a good beating. If you’re into spanking, or anything that involves hitting or getting hit while moaning ecstatically and being called a 'good pony’, then these canvas belts have the perfect texture. I’m not saying I’m a wuss, but leather and PVC are both a bit… well… painful. If you’re like me, and any sexy beating has you wishing you had the skin of a rhinocerous, then canvas is the way to go. It’s softer and it thuds rather than stings, so whoever’s delivering the beating can really put their back into it - make those sexy spanking noises and give a determined whack without causing disproportionate pain. Of course if you’re the opposite, and you think the pain is the whole point, simply switch out the belts for a gym slipper. Ouch.

Yoga belts (take two)

OK, I know I’ve been a bit spanking-focused here, so I’ll let you in on a little secret for using belts in doggy-style sex too. Lots of sex toy websites sell ‘doggy style harnesses’ which essentially consist of a thick length of padded canvas with loops at the end for holding on to. The aim is that you put this harness in front of your hips, the person behind you holds onto the loops, and you get much more purchase (and hence a more powerful shag) when you go at it doggy style. I won’t lie: it’s brilliant. I was as sceptical as you probably are when I first heard of it - what’s wrong with my dude just holding my hips in his hands? But trust me: you get more purchase with a harness, and he could yank me back onto him harder, and all in all it was £20 well spent. But if you’ve got a yoga belt lying around your house, then it’ll cost you nothing to use that for the same purpose. If the belt’s a bit thin or the fabric grazes your skin, pad it out by wrapping your gym towel around it. After all, it's not like you're actually going to go to the gym any time soon: it's so cold outside and there are good films on, and besides – you're not quite fit enough to run for the bus yet.

That amazing horse-saddle thing

I can’t write this kind of roundup without mentioning the Daddy of all sexercise equipment: what I'm going to call the 'sex pony'. I don’t think that’s its technical name, but it looks like a saddle, and your job is simply to sit on it and balance as it moves underneath you like a robotic Red Rum. Everyone knows these things are shit for exercise - you’re basically sitting down, and although they claim to ‘tone your muscles’ the smiles on the faces of people who use them belies the fact that they’re actually just gently wanking you off. If anyone actually loses weight on one of these, my guess is that it’s because they build you to such a peak of sexual frustration that you have to grab the nearest willing volunteer and shag 1000 calories out of them five minutes after you’ve used it. How do you kinkify something that is already so sexual? Easy. Make like a friend of mine did, and strap a dildo to it. Seriously - she had it sitting proudly in her hallway, and I was so jealous I nearly cried. The same can be done with rowing machines, exercise bikes, and pretty much any equipment that you sit on. There you have it: a happy, and sexy New Year, in which you can make the most of your toys without having to watch a boring workout video on YouTube. Of course with all the tricks mentioned above, traditional gym rules apply: make sure you wipe the equipment down afterwards.

You're welcome. 

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Tags: Sex, Sex O\'Clock, Sex And Tech